18 Cincinnati Things That Should be Olympic Sports
Every four years, the best athletes from all over the world take to the arena for the Summer Olympics. Competitors who have trained for years and sacrificed blood, sweat and tears for their chosen sport face off in the Games to take home the gold and bring glory to their countries.
While most of us will never have the skill and discipline these Olympic athletes do, there are still a lot of things we as Cincinnatians are good at, things we've been unconsciously training at our whole lives. So, CityBeat thought, if there were to be a Cincinnati Olympics — athleticism not required — what games and events would we excel at?
From chili eating and cornhole to spelling and cooking, here is CityBeat's official proposal to the International Olympic Committee on Cincinnati things we think should be Olympic sports.
Photo: goettafest.com
Dodging Hot Oats While Cooking Goetta
Stovetop heat will be turned up to the max. Whoever emerges with the crispiest goetta and fewest burns gets a gold medal. Silver and bronze get Neosporin.1 of 18
Photo: Hailey Bollinger
Cincinnati Chili Eating Contest
It should just be Cincinnati’s official sport at this point. Points are added for adding cheese, beans and/or onions, but they’ll be deducted if you spill any on your shirt. The gold medalist gets free coneys and ways from the chili parlor of their choosing for life.2 of 18
Photo: @bgrflckr
A spelling bee, but the only word is “Cincinnati” and the competitors are recent transplants
There’s only one “T,” people. And it’s “Cincy,” not “Cinci,” no matter what anyone else says. "Cinti" will get you disqualified from all Olympic events.3 of 18
Photo: facebook.com/Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden
Hippo Selfie-Taking
If Fiona or Fritz photobomb another proposal, automatic gold medal. Everyone else: Disqualified. Pack it up. Go home. You lose.4 of 18
Photo: Google Maps
Asking People Where They Went to High School
Style points will be added if the question leads to you to finding out you have a mutual connection. Points will be deducted for non-Cincinnati high school answers, so choose who you ask wisely.5 of 18
Photo: Provided by Oktoberfest
Drunken Chicken Dance
C’mon Team Cincinnati: Oktoberfest has been training you for this. Don your lederhosen, hoist your beer stein and get funky with the Chicken Dance. Nail the “kiss my butt” move without falling over and you got this medal in the bag.6 of 18
Photo: Provided by Adventure Crew
The (~1609m) Ohio River Swim
Who needs an aquatics center when you have the Ohio River, a.k.a. Mother Nature’s Olympic pool? The debris floating in it make great lane markers as well.7 of 18
Photo: Nick Swartsell
Relay Through Cincinnati’s Abandoned Subway Tunnels
You will have to jump over obstacles, including fiber optic cables, urban explorers trying to go viral on TikTok and the ghosts of what Cincinnati transportation could have been.8 of 18
Photo: Hailey Bollinger
100-Second Dash Through Jungle Jim’s
Grab a grocery cart and start piling in those hot sauce bottles, fancy cheeses and Japanese candies. Whoever collects snacks from the most countries in 100 seconds wins.9 of 18
Photo: Provided by Gold Star
Who Dey Chanting
Who dey, who dey, who dey think gonna win this medal? EVERYBODY.10 of 18
Photo: Hailey Bollinger
Driving Up the Seven Hills of Cincinnati in the Snow
Break out the snow plows, because, honestly, we’re all gonna lose this one.11 of 18
Photo: Paige Deglow
Opening Day Parades
Look, if the Reds aren’t going to win a World Series anytime soon, we should at least win at something baseball-adjacent. After all, no one does Opening Day like Cincinnati.12 of 18
Photo: DDohler, Flickr Creative Commons
Pothole Dodging
Motor sports have been featured in past Olympics, but never as a full medal event. We think upping the ante by bringing some pothole dodging into the mix might be the stakes that’ll seal the deal for the International Olympic Committee. If that happens, watch out, other countries: Cincinnati drivers have been practicing on our Swiss cheese roads for years for this moment.13 of 18
Photo: Hailey Bollinger
Cornhole
The American Cornhole League is pushing to get this to be an Olympic event. If that happens, Team USA will need some qualified Cincinnati athletes to bring home the gold.14 of 18
Photo: Jesse Fox
Graeter’s Ice Cream Chocolate Chip Hunting
Gold medal goes to the biggest chocolate chunk found. Bonus points if it’s in a scoop of Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip.15 of 18
Photo: Emily Palm
Beer Brewing
It’s a nod to our city’s brewing heritage and we get to drink beer. Win-win.16 of 18
Pallet Stacking
Securing heavy pallets to a compact car going 80 mph on I-75 is both a sport AND an artform perfected by Cincinnatians over the years. We’ll even build the winners’ podium out of pallets.17 of 18
Photo: FormulaOne, Wikimedia Commons
Driving Over the Brent Spence Bridge
There’s no competition; just make it over in one piece and we’ll give you a medal.18 of 18
