Taking Back Christmas

The season's real history is even crazier than the made-up one

3 Comments · Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Be forewarned, all ye who dare to enter: It's time for me to play the role of that crotchety old bastard, Scrooge, in service of finding the truth and reclaiming a good time. For instance, available evidence indicates early Christians didn't celebrate Jesus' birth and Christmas itself was an attempt by the Roman Empire to pacify and convert the pagan nations they had conquered, which were brimming with populations that enjoyed holding raucous parties during the long, dark and depressing nights of winter.  

The Truth About the Truth About Christmas

0 Comments · Wednesday, November 25, 2009
We hope you enjoy our holiday-themed section "The Truth About Christmas" and enjoy the season in whatever way or for whatever reasons you and yours do. It's going to look really nice out there if it snows and, really, the long winter ahead is going to suck a lot worse than a couple dinners with the relatives. That's the truth.  

Farm Report, Cobain and A Very Bondage Christmas

0 Comments · Wednesday, September 16, 2009
We here at Mini Gauge love a good prank. We’re seriously bummed about the proliferation of caller ID because we can no longer telephone our editor at 4 a.m. and tell him we’re a leader of a right-wing conservative group planning a “Tea Party” in his backyard.   

Lyrical Assassins, Poletricks, Sleigh Lady

0 Comments · Wednesday, August 12, 2009
For anyone who has ever listened to a Hip Hop song and wondered “What the fuck does that mean?” there is now a Web site just for you. “Snacks and Shit” at snacksandshit.com points out some of the most ridunkulous lyrics to ever leave an MC’s mouth  

A Very Cut-Out Christmas

Holiday music ain't cheap, but 'clearance' music can be your savior

0 Comments · Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I'm a sucker for good holiday music. And by "good" I mean "weird." The thing is, the closer the holidays get the smaller my bank account seems to be — especially given the economic crisis.   

Looking for the Joy

1 Comment · Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Back in 1993 Jered told me to look for the joy in life every day. He said life is too short, so try and make each day count. He said if changes in my life weren't working out, then find other ones that would. He said he'd be there to help me find the joy. Years later, I sometimes wonder if he knew this encouragement, especially on that Christmas at the airport, would get me through.   

Santa Is Magic

Reviewing the mall Santas for authenticity, decor and charm

0 Comments · Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I don't know what they do during the rest of the year, but every November hordes of old men descend on American malls dressed like Santa Claus. I don't know if they're retired or bored (maybe there's a lot of money wrapped up in this whole Saint Nick racket) but something drives these people to sit in costume by food courts and wait for the long lines of children to form.  

Uncle Danny Cancels Christmas

You're an adult and you're broke; act like it this holiday season

2 Comments · Wednesday, November 26, 2008
We adults need to grow up, take a look at our credit card statements and relax the spending. We're all on our own now. Times are tough, and socially obligated gifting won't get any of us out of our financial difficulties. Anyone who buys presents or sings carols this year is a total jerk. Christmas is canceled.  

Holiday Nourishment

Eating a (reasonably priced) Christmas dinner out this year

4 Comments · Wednesday, November 26, 2008
You know the scene: A jangled Parker family makes their way to a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day, still mourning their turkey's fate as a plaything for 785 "Notafinga!" bloodhounds. Create your own Christmas story with one of these seven recommendations for dinner out on Dec. 25.