WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING INSTEAD OF THIS?
 
 
by Jac Kern 12.11.2013
Posted In: TV/Celebrity, Movies, Humor at 11:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
 
 
web-blog-ijustcantgetenough-3

I Just Can't Get Enough

Jac's roundup of pop culture news and Internet findings

A new channel has found a coveted spot on my television’s favorites list. The Esquire Network replaced Style in late September, but it took me a few months to discover the new channel’s diverse entertaining offerings. The network’s original series feature everything from cooking to travel to style — lots of culture-y (pop and otherwise) bits. Esquire also airs reruns of popular shows like Party Down,Top Chef and Parks and Recreation. Find the channel here. Searching for a new computer game without Facebook notifications, digital farming or “Crush” in the title? Look no further than Kanye Zone. The object of the game? Like the song says, don’t let him into his zone. Speaking of Kanye’s zone, you know it’s officially the holiday season when the Kadrashians emerge their krypts to kreate their annual Kristmas kard. Not really sure why they’d spring for a photographer like David LaChapelle, because every square inch of this piece is so heavily ‘shopped. I bet they even inserted Kourt’s baby into her empty arms in post-production. And it goes without saying that this image of Bruce (sealed in glass on the far right) will haunt all of our nightmares until the end of time. Move over, Macaulay — "Pug Puppy Home Alone" is even better than the original. The entertainment gods blessed us with not one but two Major Television Events recently: The Sound of Music Live! And the Bonnie & Clyde miniseries presented by A&E, History and Lifetime. People everywhere have been crying, “Blasphemy!” over these two reboots of classic stories but, because we’re a masochistic society, everyone and their mama tuned into both. B&C was deemed historically inaccurate (Gasp! A Lifetime movie?! Surely not.), and SoM was decidedly awkward as hell, but damn if they didn’t both attract huge audiences. NBC’s live production of The Sound of Music was a hot ass mess. I’m no musical theater connoisseur, so I totally forgot all the Nazi shit in there, along with the fact that Vampire Bill was starring in this show alongside Carrie Underwood. I mean, Carrie can sing for sure, but the 21.3 million viewers were pretty much all tuning in the same way they’d watch a train wreck, which is why Carrie says she's praying for all of us haterz. Keep the prayers comin’, Carrie, because apparently we’re in for another live musical here soon. Here’s probably every movie you meant to see this year but didn’t: “I Love It” and “Ho Hey” were noticeably absent, despite being in EVERY PREVIEW EVER this year. Thankfully (said no one), they didn’t skimp on the dub-step. In other end-of-the-year news, it’s time again for Pantone to announce the official color of 2014. Get your eyeballs ready for lots of “Radiant Orchid” next year, whatever the hell that means. If you’ll recall (as if this important selection hasn’t been ingrained in your brain), 2013’s color was emerald. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, the book series of spooky tales and illustrations every ‘80s and ‘90s kid shared around campfires, on the bus and at sleepovers, is becoming a movie. CBS Films is working with two Saw writers on the adaptation. For those in the dark (muahahaha), the Scary Stories themselves weren’t all that terrifying — it was all about the eerie, detailed, seriously dark images that accompanied the tales. There’s no word yet on how or if these illustrations (by Stephen Gammell, who I can only assume is Satan’s nephew) will be incorporated in the film, and that will truly be a make-or-break decision. If Hollywood decides to ruin SSTTITD like everything else and go with a live-action take, I guess they could just call up Bruce Jenner. There’s no other way to say it: Bitches lose their shit over Benedict Cumberbatch. The star of Sherlock, who portrayed Kahn in Star Trek: Into Darkness and is voicing the titular dragon in the upcoming Hobbit film, has a loyal legion of fans — ahem, “Cumberbitches.” Here’s what happened when we read some lyrics off R. Kelly’s new album (which is freaking titled Black Panties, btw). As captivating and alienesque as Benny may be, like a male Tilda Swinton, the ladies truly give him the One Direction treatment. And I love me some Cumberbatch, but can we throw some love/panties Martin Freeman’s way, too? Jurassic WORLD is happening. Colin Trevorrow, director of the fantastic time-travel dramedy Safety Not Guaranteed, is taking on this fourth installment of the Jurassic Park franchise. Rumored to star are Chris Pratt (clearly Trevorrow likes working with Parks and Rec stars), Bryce Dallas Howard (The Help), Jake Johnson (who also starred in Safety) and Nick Robinson, who stole my heart in The Kings of Summer. This might actually be a great film, and not just some greedy, lazy sequel.
 
 

A Visit from St. Netflixolas

0 Comments · Wednesday, December 19, 2012
'Twas the week before Christmas, and on the small screen, TV options appeared few and far between; The DVR’s ready to record some new shows, And provide a distraction from winter woes.  

Family Tree

0 Comments · Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I remember riding to Corsi Tree Farm way out in Hamersville, Ohio, in those seats and stretching my short, stubby legs. Today, the ride to Corsi makes me claustrophobic. I can barely move; Dylan’s bony knees clank with mine. Damn Dad’s long-legged McCartney gene. Toys have been swapped out for smartphones, which keep us preoccupied on the long, coiling drive there.    

Holiday Issue 2012

0 Comments · Tuesday, November 20, 2012
When we enter the grown-up world, there are quite a few aspects of life that lose a great bit of childlike mystique: visits to the dentist, overalls, Hostess products and, perhaps most glaringly, the holiday season.   

The Ghosts of Movies Past

An all-start list of seasonal films

0 Comments · Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Bourbon-laced eggnog is optional but highly recommended when viewing the following list, which features a healthy dose of dark comedy and familial messiness.  

Six Ways to Fight the Fiscal Cliff with Holiday Spirit

0 Comments · Tuesday, November 20, 2012
With tax hikes and spending cuts known as the “fiscal cliff” on the horizon and a Congress that has been unwilling to meet under the mistletoe to decide how they will rear the 2013 New Year’s Budget-Baby, it seems that we as citizens need to provide our elected officials an example of how to kiss and make up this holiday season.  

Taking Back Christmas

The season's real history is even crazier than the made-up one

3 Comments · Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Be forewarned, all ye who dare to enter: It's time for me to play the role of that crotchety old bastard, Scrooge, in service of finding the truth and reclaiming a good time. For instance, available evidence indicates early Christians didn't celebrate Jesus' birth and Christmas itself was an attempt by the Roman Empire to pacify and convert the pagan nations they had conquered, which were brimming with populations that enjoyed holding raucous parties during the long, dark and depressing nights of winter.  

The Truth About the Truth About Christmas

0 Comments · Wednesday, November 25, 2009
We hope you enjoy our holiday-themed section "The Truth About Christmas" and enjoy the season in whatever way or for whatever reasons you and yours do. It's going to look really nice out there if it snows and, really, the long winter ahead is going to suck a lot worse than a couple dinners with the relatives. That's the truth.  

Farm Report, Cobain and A Very Bondage Christmas

0 Comments · Wednesday, September 16, 2009
We here at Mini Gauge love a good prank. We’re seriously bummed about the proliferation of caller ID because we can no longer telephone our editor at 4 a.m. and tell him we’re a leader of a right-wing conservative group planning a “Tea Party” in his backyard.   

Lyrical Assassins, Poletricks, Sleigh Lady

0 Comments · Wednesday, August 12, 2009
For anyone who has ever listened to a Hip Hop song and wondered “What the fuck does that mean?” there is now a Web site just for you. “Snacks and Shit” at snacksandshit.com points out some of the most ridunkulous lyrics to ever leave an MC’s mouth  

0|2
 
Close
Close
Close