WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING INSTEAD OF THIS?
 
 
by Jac Kern 12.20.2013
Posted In: Events at 01:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
 
 
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Your Weekend To Do List: 12/20-12/22

Beelistic Tattoo on Short Vine presents its second annual Holiday Art Show Friday. The exhibit features works by local and national tattoo artists on sale for $25 or less. In addition to browsing artwork, guests can enjoy free craft cocktails and book future tattoo appointments. Bring a donation of toys, clothing, books or $5 to benefit the Children’s Home of Cincinnati. The festive fun continues along Short Vine with more art on display at Gallery 77, Popp=d Art and Bogart’s, drink specials at Dive Bar, shopping at Vursa Limited, music at Mio’s Pizzeria and more. Beelistic’s party kicks off at 5 p.m. and continues until midnight (or until the art sells out). Rabbit Hash’s annual Christmas Parade takes place Saturday at 4 p.m. Cajun Jazz group Lagniappe will inject a little Southern flair at the holiday party that follows. Swing by the General Store, drink a little something to warm you up and frolic with the famous Rabbit Hash dogs! Former Cincinnati Ballet members Joseph Gatti and Adiarys Almeida return to the city and company for holiday classic The Nutcracker. This family-friendly production opens Friday, runs all weekend and continues through Dec. 29. Read our interview with the couple here. Nothing says happy holidays like a booze cruise! Enjoy some of Greater Cincinnati’s finest — from beer to views — on the Christian Moerlein Brew Ho Ho Ho Dinner Cruise Saturday. Attendees will board the boat at 6 p.m. and set sail from BB Riverboats 7-9:30 p.m. The night includes a four-beer tasting, buffet, music from a live DJ and a souvenir Moerlein pint glass. Adult tickets are $55, $26 for sightseeing only. Book the cruise here. Enjoy a Christmas Carol-inspired brunch this Sunday at Orchids at Palm Court’s Dickens Brunch. English favorites like roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, mince meat pie and figgy pudding accompany brunch classics, including an omelet and waffle bar. Sunday is the last chance to try the Dickens Brunch, which runs 10:30 a.m.-2 p.m. Find more information here. For more art openings, parties and other stuff to do this weekend, check out our To Do picks, full calendar and Rick Pender’s Stage Door for weekend theater offerings.
 
 
by Jac Kern 12.18.2013
Posted In: TV/Celebrity, technology, Movies, Music, Humor at 12:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
 
 
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I Just Can't Get Enough

Jac's roundup of pop culture news and Internet findings

The 2014 Golden Globes, hosted by the dream team of Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, take place Jan. 12 and nominations have been announced. Here we go! In the motion picture sector, 12 Years a Slave and American Hustle lead the pack with seven nominations each. The America’s Sweethearts Showdown will finally play out as Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle) is pitted against Julie Roberts (August: Osage County) for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture (along with Sally Hawkins – Blue Jasmine, Lupita Nyong'o – 12 Years a Slave and June Squibb ­– Nebraska). Yes, I'm really trying to make the J. Law/JuRo(?) rivalry happen. Jared Leto and Matthew McConaughey were rewarded for the physical deterioration they underwent to star in Dallas Buyers Club — they’re up for Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture and Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama, respectively. On to television selections, Netflix series House of Cards raked in four nominations, the most of any series. The HBO film Behind the Candelabra also garnered four nods, but in three categories — stars Matt Damon and Michael Douglas are up against one another for Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie. Rob Lowe’s amazing work as Liberace’s plastic surgeon/pill pusher in Candelabra gets lauded with a nomination for the broad Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie category, but that statue will likely go to Aaron Paul for his performance in the final season of Breaking Bad. New-to-2013 shows Masters of Sex, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Ray Donovan each received two nominations. I was totally in love with the inaugural season of Masters this year, so I’m happy to see it up against some solid series for Best TV Series, Drama, even if it probably won’t win. I can’t bring myself to watch Brooklyn (despite my love for Andy Samberg!) because it looks decidedly unfunny, but I keep hearing I need to check it out, so judgment reserved. Ray was a decent new drama. Jon Voight killed it as the fresh-out-of-prison father to the titular character, a Hollywood “fixer” played by Liev Schreiber (also nominated). Voight’s Mickey brought the laughs in an otherwise dark story, from his penchant for big-booty video girls to the advice he gives to his nauseated grandson: “Maybe you need to faht!” Noticeably absent are Homeland, Boardwalk Empire and Mad Men, and I am OUTRAGED! OK, I’m starting to sound like everyone who’s ever listened to a local band after the CEA nominations are announced. #sitthehelldown But seriously, Damien Lewis’ performance as Homeland’s Brody, while limited on screen this season, was incredible. He truly has played so many sides and shades of the character. That detox scene? Haunting. He nailed the deterioration of Brody completely. I also thought this was one of the best seasons of Boardwalk. Completely biased opinion: John Huston’s Richard Harrow has been my favorite character of the series (besides Lucy, played by the incomparable queen of mot messes Paz de la Huerta, OBVS). With so many other amazing characters, it’s totally understandable that he wouldn’t leave with an award, but…Richard! "Hold me." As for Mad Men, neither the show nor its actors have won a Globe since 2009, when it was awarded for Best TV Series, Drama. The show is not suffering — in fact, watching Don (Jon Hamm) finally crack and start to act like a real human was incredible this season. Oh, well. There’s always next year’s Emmys, I guess? Read all the nominations here.It’s almost Christmas, so what better time for another Apple ad to make you unexpectedly shrivel up and bawl? Beyoncé blew the top off the Internet late last week, surprise-releasing 14 new songs plus 17 music videos in a full, mega, meta “visual experience” of an album, leaving most of us with nothing left on our holiday wish lists. Titled simply Beyoncé, the package features collaborations with Jay Z, Frank Ocean, Drake and Blue MFing Ivy, sexy-ass songs with some straight up raunch, audio/video from Star Search and home movies and several shots of Bey’s thonged butt. It’s perfection. And because no one can ever get enough Yoncé (That’s right, it’s Yoncé, Mrs. Carter if you’re nasty), she’s also releasing a mini-documentary about the album in various parts, day by day. Buy the package, watch the videos and get swept up in the Carter life here. John Mayer and Katy Perry are totes an item and, in case you needed any reminders of what a supreme douche J. May is, well, here’s their first couples interview (gag) — skip to 2:50 for John’s really touching words about Katy’s craft/to hear him drop an F bomb (edited out, thanks ABC!) while doing so. Unfortunately your browser does not support IFrames. R. Kelly(’s PR) thought it would be a good idea to get #askrkelly trending, to spark a sort of AMA with Twitter fans, and it was a total marketing fail. In fact, the timing of the backfired publicity stunt led perfectly to this Village Voice interview with the Chicago Sun-Times music critic that broke the story detailing R. Kelly’s involvement with underage girls almost 15 years ago. This journalist, Jim DeRogatis, reminds us just how disgusting of a rap sheet R. has. I guess somewhere between Trapped in the Closet parts V and XXVI, we forgot the dude was a legit pedo. Buzzfeed dubbed Newport Aquarium’s Scuba Santa one of eight “Most Badass Santas in the World,” not to be confused with “One of Most Extreme Santas in World,” as reported by basically every other local media outlet (buncha babies). If there’s just one viral family Christmas video-card (ugh) making its rounds that particularly makes me want to gouge my eyes out, it’s the Holderness family’s. Set to the tune of the very current “Welcome to Miami,” this family of four teaches us what the holidays are truly about: bragging about the year’s accomplishments. Namely, running triathlons, appearing in blockbuster films and learning Chinese — in their "Christmas jammies." Fucking white people. Shia LaBeouf was a child actor, so I guess he never went to school to learn that copying off your neighbor's work is pretty much universally looked down upon. That's the only explanation I can come up with to justify his plagiarizing of Daniel Clowes' comic Justin M. Damiano for his new short film, HowardCantour.com. Read all about the fiasco here, and see the similarities for yourself. LaBeouf said sorry via Twitter, which should be enough, but he apparently lifted his apology off Yahoo Answers. So help us all.
 
 

Christmas Me Home

0 Comments · Wednesday, December 18, 2013
They’re here. They’re my human Christmas cards, joy in the flesh and unwrapped, laughing presents exploding with a year’s worth of stories, relationships, work and secrets about places women find joy.  
by Jac Kern 12.11.2013
Posted In: TV/Celebrity, Movies, Humor at 11:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
 
 
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I Just Can't Get Enough

Jac's roundup of pop culture news and Internet findings

A new channel has found a coveted spot on my television’s favorites list. The Esquire Network replaced Style in late September, but it took me a few months to discover the new channel’s diverse entertaining offerings. The network’s original series feature everything from cooking to travel to style — lots of culture-y (pop and otherwise) bits. Esquire also airs reruns of popular shows like Party Down,Top Chef and Parks and Recreation. Find the channel here. Searching for a new computer game without Facebook notifications, digital farming or “Crush” in the title? Look no further than Kanye Zone. The object of the game? Like the song says, don’t let him into his zone. Speaking of Kanye’s zone, you know it’s officially the holiday season when the Kadrashians emerge their krypts to kreate their annual Kristmas kard. Not really sure why they’d spring for a photographer like David LaChapelle, because every square inch of this piece is so heavily ‘shopped. I bet they even inserted Kourt’s baby into her empty arms in post-production. And it goes without saying that this image of Bruce (sealed in glass on the far right) will haunt all of our nightmares until the end of time. Move over, Macaulay — "Pug Puppy Home Alone" is even better than the original. The entertainment gods blessed us with not one but two Major Television Events recently: The Sound of Music Live! And the Bonnie & Clyde miniseries presented by A&E, History and Lifetime. People everywhere have been crying, “Blasphemy!” over these two reboots of classic stories but, because we’re a masochistic society, everyone and their mama tuned into both. B&C was deemed historically inaccurate (Gasp! A Lifetime movie?! Surely not.), and SoM was decidedly awkward as hell, but damn if they didn’t both attract huge audiences. NBC’s live production of The Sound of Music was a hot ass mess. I’m no musical theater connoisseur, so I totally forgot all the Nazi shit in there, along with the fact that Vampire Bill was starring in this show alongside Carrie Underwood. I mean, Carrie can sing for sure, but the 21.3 million viewers were pretty much all tuning in the same way they’d watch a train wreck, which is why Carrie says she's praying for all of us haterz. Keep the prayers comin’, Carrie, because apparently we’re in for another live musical here soon. Here’s probably every movie you meant to see this year but didn’t: “I Love It” and “Ho Hey” were noticeably absent, despite being in EVERY PREVIEW EVER this year. Thankfully (said no one), they didn’t skimp on the dub-step. In other end-of-the-year news, it’s time again for Pantone to announce the official color of 2014. Get your eyeballs ready for lots of “Radiant Orchid” next year, whatever the hell that means. If you’ll recall (as if this important selection hasn’t been ingrained in your brain), 2013’s color was emerald. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, the book series of spooky tales and illustrations every ‘80s and ‘90s kid shared around campfires, on the bus and at sleepovers, is becoming a movie. CBS Films is working with two Saw writers on the adaptation. For those in the dark (muahahaha), the Scary Stories themselves weren’t all that terrifying — it was all about the eerie, detailed, seriously dark images that accompanied the tales. There’s no word yet on how or if these illustrations (by Stephen Gammell, who I can only assume is Satan’s nephew) will be incorporated in the film, and that will truly be a make-or-break decision. If Hollywood decides to ruin SSTTITD like everything else and go with a live-action take, I guess they could just call up Bruce Jenner. There’s no other way to say it: Bitches lose their shit over Benedict Cumberbatch. The star of Sherlock, who portrayed Kahn in Star Trek: Into Darkness and is voicing the titular dragon in the upcoming Hobbit film, has a loyal legion of fans — ahem, “Cumberbitches.” Here’s what happened when we read some lyrics off R. Kelly’s new album (which is freaking titled Black Panties, btw). As captivating and alienesque as Benny may be, like a male Tilda Swinton, the ladies truly give him the One Direction treatment. And I love me some Cumberbatch, but can we throw some love/panties Martin Freeman’s way, too? Jurassic WORLD is happening. Colin Trevorrow, director of the fantastic time-travel dramedy Safety Not Guaranteed, is taking on this fourth installment of the Jurassic Park franchise. Rumored to star are Chris Pratt (clearly Trevorrow likes working with Parks and Rec stars), Bryce Dallas Howard (The Help), Jake Johnson (who also starred in Safety) and Nick Robinson, who stole my heart in The Kings of Summer. This might actually be a great film, and not just some greedy, lazy sequel.
 
 

A Visit from St. Netflixolas

0 Comments · Wednesday, December 19, 2012
'Twas the week before Christmas, and on the small screen, TV options appeared few and far between; The DVR’s ready to record some new shows, And provide a distraction from winter woes.  

Family Tree

0 Comments · Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I remember riding to Corsi Tree Farm way out in Hamersville, Ohio, in those seats and stretching my short, stubby legs. Today, the ride to Corsi makes me claustrophobic. I can barely move; Dylan’s bony knees clank with mine. Damn Dad’s long-legged McCartney gene. Toys have been swapped out for smartphones, which keep us preoccupied on the long, coiling drive there.    

Holiday Issue 2012

0 Comments · Tuesday, November 20, 2012
When we enter the grown-up world, there are quite a few aspects of life that lose a great bit of childlike mystique: visits to the dentist, overalls, Hostess products and, perhaps most glaringly, the holiday season.   

The Ghosts of Movies Past

An all-start list of seasonal films

0 Comments · Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Bourbon-laced eggnog is optional but highly recommended when viewing the following list, which features a healthy dose of dark comedy and familial messiness.  

Six Ways to Fight the Fiscal Cliff with Holiday Spirit

0 Comments · Tuesday, November 20, 2012
With tax hikes and spending cuts known as the “fiscal cliff” on the horizon and a Congress that has been unwilling to meet under the mistletoe to decide how they will rear the 2013 New Year’s Budget-Baby, it seems that we as citizens need to provide our elected officials an example of how to kiss and make up this holiday season.  

Taking Back Christmas

The season's real history is even crazier than the made-up one

3 Comments · Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Be forewarned, all ye who dare to enter: It's time for me to play the role of that crotchety old bastard, Scrooge, in service of finding the truth and reclaiming a good time. For instance, available evidence indicates early Christians didn't celebrate Jesus' birth and Christmas itself was an attempt by the Roman Empire to pacify and convert the pagan nations they had conquered, which were brimming with populations that enjoyed holding raucous parties during the long, dark and depressing nights of winter.  

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