WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING INSTEAD OF THIS?
 
 
by Jac Kern 04.16.2014 138 days ago
at 12:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
 
 
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I Just Can't Get Enough

Jac's roundup of pop culture news and Internet findings

Senior prom is a special milestone for many American teens, but even traditions as old as school dances change over time. Intimate one-on-one dates have given way to group dates and attending as friends. Flip-flops and cutout cocktail dresses replaced the overdone evening look for many girls. And now a southern-fried specialty is getting in the prom game. Kentucky Fried Chicken — What? Yes. — partnered with Louisville florists to create the chicken corsage. For $20, Louisville residents can purchase a corsage from Nanz and Kraft Florists that includes a $5 gift card to KFC, where folks can then go buy the perfect piece of chicken. It can only be assumed that after prom, girls will press the greasy chicken bone between their yearbook pages, just like their moms did with their corsages when they were young. It’s confirmed: Stephen Colbert will take over the Late Show desk once David Letterman retires sometime in 2015. That’ll mean no more Colbert Report and, likely, the end of the host’s faux-servative character. Start the countdown to the announcement of a new reality show following Letterman, Leno (and, let’s just be honest — Craig Ferguson and Conan O’Brien) around Ex-Host Island. Move over, old people! Slightly younger people are takin' yer jerbs!In the contemporary classic Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan’s Cady describes Halloween as, “the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” Well, Coachella must be kind of like Halloween for celebrities, except instead of wearing lingerie and some form of animal ears, they throw on the most jumbled assortment of terrible fashion fads. Not sure about the new cream-colored designer jumpsuit you purchased? Try it out in the middle of the desert! Want to channel Woodstock without ever having been to, read about or seen a photo of Woodstock? Grab a Native American headdress and wear that shit to Coachella. The fest is HQ for floral head wreaths, jorts and combat boots (often all worn at once), and for some reason I cannot pull myself away from the celeb photos of this mess. It’s like someone made a slot machine with various teenagers’ style blogs on Tumblr and everyone going to Coachella must take a spin to determine their outfit. “Ooh, I got a bindi, a latex bra, a crocheted duster and gladiator sandals!” Just look at these famous attendees, capped off with Koachella Kweenz Kylie and Kendall Jenner.  But seriously, you need to see this video that’s (probably) of Leonardo DiCaprio Coachin’ it up (people say that, right?) at an MGMT performance, which makes me feel weird and old. And since I brought up Lindsay, the supposedly sober starlet was supposedly washing down all that Coachella dust and glitter with vodka this weekend. The reports come days after the latest episode of her Oprah docu-series, in which she admits to drinking alcohol after her latest stint in rehab. Also, there were a lot of emo scenes of Lindsay filming herself crying. Get it together, girl. OPRAH WILL CUSS AT YOU AGAIN. And everyone knows if Oprah has to cuss at you twice, you will spontaneously burst into flames. Celebrispawn in the media is quite the hot topic as of late, particularly thanks to Dax Sheppard and Kristen Bell vs. Papz (this will definitely be a court case our children will study in history class). But what about fake famous babies — fair game? OK! Leslie Knope is pregnant! Pawnee's upcoming addition will be the Prince George of fictional TV comedy births. Which is to say, a very big deal. Parks and Rec's Leslie and Ben will be the best parents ever. I think I speak for fans everywhere by saying we can't wait for his or her first playdate with the world’s most attractive child, Ann and Chris’ little Oliver. Sunday was an epic night for television with the final Mad Men premiere (sort of) and a crazy-ass episode of Game of Thrones. These two are great popular, critically-acclaimed dramas, but they’re on complete opposite ends of the style spectrum. Mad Men’s seventh season debut was gradual and calculated (as always), giving viewers a chance to fill in the blanks between Season Six and now, speculate on what’s to come and read into every little detail. And by detail, I mean Pete’s California Ken Doll look, which was #flawless. Ratings were way down Sunday — the lowest-rated premiere since the second season's in 2008. Some attribute the drop to a lackluster episode, but the truth is probably that everyone was too busy losing their shit over this week’s Game of Thrones to get into the cool Mad Men mood. Without giving too much away (and because I spoiled “the incident” for myself since I can’t stay off the damn Internet — so I know it sucks), Thrones fans who hadn’t already read the books were treated to a truly righteous, bubbly, bloody scene this week that totally flips the script for many of our favorite characters. Can’t these people get through one wedding without having to immediately plan a funeral? New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: bestseller-turned-likely blockbuster Gone Girl; two red band previews for 22 Jump Street (The College Years); Sex Tape, starring Cameron Diaz and a manorexic Jason Segel, a comedy that’s exactly what you think it’s about; and Jon Favreau’s take on the foodie world, Chef. Aaand it looks like Jay-Z and Beyoncé may tour together for a string of shows this summer, so I need to go quit my job and fulfill my dreams of being a roadie. Byé!
 
 

R.I.P. Reading Comprehension

Plus, the Oscars get musicial and Bill O'Reilly blames rap for everything again

0 Comments · Tuesday, March 4, 2014
A map showing listening trends around the country inadvertently also shows that people don't read anymore; U2, Karen O, Pharell and "Adele Dazeem" rock the Oscars; and Bill O'Reilly decides that if the president really wants to help young black men, he needs to get "gangsta rappers" Kanye West and Jay-Z to "knock it off."  

Shawn Carter, Holy Fail

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 30, 2013
What I saw in Carter’s ascendancy was lemmings swimming toward someone else’s manifestation of their own wet dreams of gaudy consumerism. If hypertension, diabetes and heart disease won’t kill black folks, then grabbing for luxury items someone else convinces us we need will.  

The Jay-Z Law, Streaming Pains and Chambers Attacked

0 Comments · Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Jay-Z and Beyonce's visit to Cuba prompts U.S. law-change effort (seriously), Thom Yorke says Spotify is bad for new artists (simples) and some nut-job attacked 73-year-old Lester Chambers over a song dedication.  

Dylan's Stratocaster and Samsung's Jay-Z Scheme

0 Comments · Wednesday, July 3, 2013
The Fender Stratocaster Bob Dylan used when he notoriously “went electric” for the first time on stage at 1965’s Newport Folk Festival is headed for auction.   

Jumblin’ Osbornes, Thrifty Thievery and Hova's Phone Fail

0 Comments · Wednesday, June 26, 2013
The President confuses British chancellor with his favorite R&B singer, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis unaware of Goodwill's latest "Thrift Shop"-jacking marketing campaign and Jay-Z will have to wait until real people buy his new album before it can become a million-seller.  

Droning Your Sorrows

Drones to deliver beer at music fest, Jay-Z gets a presidential diss and Ghost B.C. release cheeky box-set

0 Comments · Wednesday, May 1, 2013
A South African music festival announced new "beer drone technology," whereby fans order by phone and have their order dropped from a drone above, will debut at August event. Plus, Jay-Z gets a mini-roast from the President at the White House Correspondents' Dinner and Swedish Doom Metal band Ghost B.C. treats fans to a sacrilicious new box set, complete with band-branded sex toys.  

Dre Beats All, Metallica's Coup and 'Time' Hearts Psy

0 Comments · Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Dr. Dre tops Forbes list of highest-earning musicians, all thanks to his work in the field of headphones; Metallica officially owns its master recordings thanks to a clause in its 1994 record contract with Warner Music Group; and Jay-Z, Pussy Riot and … Psy (?!) are among Time magazine's "Persons of the Year" for 2012.   

Lips' New Record, Adele's New Project and Metal Scapegoats

0 Comments · Tuesday, July 3, 2012
The Flaming Lips have broken the world record for most concerts performed in multiple cities within the span of 24 hours  

Kanye/Jay-Z, Gaga, Danzig

0 Comments · Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Kanye West and Jay-Z will reportedly be making a sequel to their collaborative Watch the Throne album, according to producer Mike Dean. But that’s just a small part of the twosome’s plans to expand their kingdoms.  

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