'Twas the week before Christmas, and on the small screen, TV options appeared few and far between; The DVR’s ready to record some new shows, And provide a distraction from winter woes.  

I remember riding to Corsi Tree Farm way out in Hamersville, Ohio, in those seats and stretching my short, stubby legs. Today, the ride to Corsi makes me claustrophobic. I can barely move; Dylan’s bony knees clank with mine. Damn Dad’s long-legged McCartney gene. Toys have been swapped out for smartphones, which keep us preoccupied on the long, coiling drive there.    

When we enter the grown-up world, there are quite a few aspects of life that lose a great bit of childlike mystique: visits to the dentist, overalls, Hostess products and, perhaps most glaringly, the holiday season.   

Bourbon-laced eggnog is optional but highly recommended when viewing the following list, which features a healthy dose of dark comedy and familial messiness.  

With tax hikes and spending cuts known as the “fiscal cliff” on the horizon and a Congress that has been unwilling to meet under the mistletoe to decide how they will rear the 2013 New Year’s Budget-Baby, it seems that we as citizens need to provide our elected officials an example of how to kiss and make up this holiday season.  

Be forewarned, all ye who dare to enter: It's time for me to play the role of that crotchety old bastard, Scrooge, in service of finding the truth and reclaiming a good time. For instance, available evidence indicates early Christians didn't celebrate Jesus' birth and Christmas itself was an attempt by the Roman Empire to pacify and convert the pagan nations they had conquered, which were brimming with populations that enjoyed holding raucous parties during the long, dark and depressing nights of winter.  

We hope you enjoy our holiday-themed section "The Truth About Christmas" and enjoy the season in whatever way or for whatever reasons you and yours do. It's going to look really nice out there if it snows and, really, the long winter ahead is going to suck a lot worse than a couple dinners with the relatives. That's the truth.  

We here at Mini Gauge love a good prank. We’re seriously bummed about the proliferation of caller ID because we can no longer telephone our editor at 4 a.m. and tell him we’re a leader of a right-wing conservative group planning a “Tea Party” in his backyard.   

For anyone who has ever listened to a Hip Hop song and wondered “What the fuck does that mean?” there is now a Web site just for you. “Snacks and Shit” at snacksandshit.com points out some of the most ridunkulous lyrics to ever leave an MC’s mouth  

I'm a sucker for good holiday music. And by "good" I mean "weird." The thing is, the closer the holidays get the smaller my bank account seems to be — especially given the economic crisis.