What should I be doing instead of this?
by Jac Kern 05.29.2013
Posted In: TV/Celebrity, Humor at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I Just Can't Get Enough

Jac's roundup of pop culture news and Internet findings

The new season of Arrested Development has been bestowed upon us, premiering seven years after the last episode has aired, on a platform that hadn’t even been invented when the series first debuted. For those (commies) who haven’t watched yet or somehow were able to resist the urge to watch all 15 episodes during the holiday weekend, I’ll keep details to a minimum. They’re far funnier when played out onscreen, anyway. I will say that at least one scene was filmed recently enough to include a reference to that crazy sorority girl email. That was like last month! All in all, I was really happy with the new season. There were some low points, for sure, but the format of each episode focusing on one character, to create a series of overlapping and intertwining story lines, was hilarious and perfect for both Netflix and the show. It’s so hard for a project like this to live up to everyone’s expectations and I think AD deftly avoided taking itself too seriously or trying to make this fourth season something greater than it really is. Best of all, it’s at least as re-watchable as the other seasons, and I look forward to catching more Easter eggs and puns with repeated plays. But we do have something serious to discuss. We need to talk about Portia de Rossi’s face. BuzzFeed agrees. In Arrested Development, Portia plays a self-centered, materialistic wasp, but in real life (because I totally know PDR IRL), I imagine her to be a much more down-to-earth, naturally elegant beauty. In fact, in a recent interview with Los Angeles Confidential, Portia talks about being 40, how she’s proud of her age and being uninterested in clinging to her 20s. She’s also on the cover of Out Magazine’s May issue, sporting a short, Twiggy-inspired look (hopefully Ellen and Portia will continue to just fuse into identical pixie-haired, blonde lesbian goddesses and take over the world). Here, she certainly looks different from her early Lindsay Bluth days, but between adding a few years, an edgy haircut, makeup and Photoshop photography magic, I didn’t think she’d done anything to her pretty little face. I didn’t think Ellen would allow it! And then came the Lindsay episode of Arrested Development.                            WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?! The feminist in me is hesitant to go on about whether someone has had plastic surgery. I mean, who cares? It’s her right to do whatever she wants to her (already flawless angel) visage. But it’s so confusing why she’d discuss embracing age in interviews when she so clearly has done something to her mug. Her facial expressions, something so essential to her drama queen character, have seriously diminished in this new season. What’s so ironic is that Lindsay very infamously had a nose job in her youth, and any real-life plastic surgery could have easily been written into the script! Also, I can't even pinpoint any specific plastic surgery that could have happened (total face transplant?), so I'm really worried that someone made a Portia robot and the real PDR is being held hostage somewhere. Anyone? Anyway, if you haven’t yet hunkered down for an AD watch-a-thon, I definitely suggest it (some of the humor would be lost if you spaced the episodes out too much). Just prepare yourself for a few things: cameos galore, an inexplicable number of bird references (particularly ostriches, WTF?) and a surprising new face on Nellie, I mean Lindsay, Bluth. In other FACE news, HBO premiered the anticipated Steven Soderbergh Liberace movie, Behind the Candelabra, Sunday. If you were planning on tuning in for a camptastic voyage of gold lamé, diamonds and gays (well, there was plenty of that), you might be surprised to discover an emotional, heartfelt film. Based on the memoirs of Scott Thorson, Liberace’s companion in the late '70s-mid-'80s, the movie starred Matt Damon as Thorson and a flawless Michael Douglas as Mr. Showmanship himself. (All Behind the Candelabra photos courtesy HBO.) In the film, Thorson meets Liberace through a mutual friend, conveniently just as “Lee’s” handsome protégé is beginning to lose his shine (though not literally — I swear, these guys were covered in so much pixie dust throughout this movie, they’re probably still pooping glitter to this day). It’s not long before Liberace hires Scott as a companion of many sorts — a secretary, a bodyguard, an onstage chauffeur, a lover. They even make plans for Liberace to adopt Thorson (though age was not explicitly discussed in the film, Scott was actually 16 when he met Liberace — there was around 50 years between the two.) It's a very complicated relationship, made even more so when Liberace suggests they get plastic surgery after they’d both let themselves go a bit. An aging “Lee” opts for a major facelift while Scott mainly wants to lose some weight. Their plastic surgeon is played with the perfect amount of tight-faced humor by Rob Lowe:                                                                       This is his "natural look."Doc puts Scott on “The California Diet” of pills, while Lee suggests something more — full facial reconstruction surgery to make Scott look more like him. Viewers see Matt Damon transform from a strapping young stud, to Matt Damon with a fake belly, to a crazy Liberace-Adonis spawn in a sparkly thong.                                                                       Fresh-faced at 15                                                                            Haggard at 22                                                                             Just kidding, look at dat bodyMichael Douglas’ physical transformation takes a much darker turn. Thorson and Liberace’s split becomes inevitable as we see Lee turn his attention to a younger, more innocent new specimen. Scott will soon be replaced much like he took the spot of Liberace's last boy toy, despite the fact that he changed his entire life — and face! — to be with Lee. Scott loses most of his riches in the split between lawyer fees, settlement agreements and his drug addiction. A year later, he’s healthy and back to a more normal life when he gets a call from Lee, who’s dying from AIDS. We get a shocking look at a gaunt, grey Michael Douglas, the most jarring physical transformation of the film. In the end, not all the diamonds in the world could save him. Now, wipe those glittery tears with your mink-lined hankies, because Cincinnati’s in the news, y’all! Esquire named the best bars in America and Arnold’s Bar & Grill made the list. The chosen watering holes can be found on this interactive map, complete with a drink to order at each spot. (Esquire suggests Arnold's 1861 Porter at Cincy’s designated bar.) Celeb hunters, be on the lookout for Emilio Estevez (it’s like he’ll never leave!) and Tyler Shields, both of whom are in town this week. Estevez is in the pr-production phase for his film Johnny Longshot, which begins filming at Lebanon Raceway and across Cincinnati in August. Shields opens an exhibit at Miller Gallery Friday, and should be around the city taking photographs throughout the week. Keep your eyes peeled, star-lovers!                                                                   Just one more for good measure.

Netflix Saved Our Bluths

0 Comments · Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The Arrested Development story is a TV nerd’s dream come true. A smart, quirky, new kind of comedy struggles to attract an audience. Despite being critically acclaimed, the series fails to draw in enough viewers (and playfully mocks its own demise) and gets canned after the third season. Enter the Netflix era.