CityBeat Blogs - Charlie's Corner http://www.citybeat.com/cincinnati/blogs-1-1-1-33-51.html <![CDATA[Charlie's Corner]]>

Collectively we are getting dumber as a nation. We are relying too heavily on computers to do all the work for us. We don’t have to remember anything because we can use our space phones to look up any information about anything in a matter of seconds. Since there is literally an app for everything, we no longer have to use our short-term memory to, well, remember anything.

I just recently upgraded my Microsoft Word from the 2002 edition to 2008. One of the major changes that occurred was the positioning of “spell check.” It went from being about of the way down on the "Tools" drop down menu to the #1 spot. I’m not one to hate on the spell check cause I am one of the worst spellers in the world, you should see all the red lines. I love spell check, but much like the calculators on our phones, it is taking away from simple knowledge that our brains should use everyday.

When I fill out applications for jobs, on-site, I have to use smaller words like, “fast” because I just don’t know how to spell “efficiently” correctly. I am literally embarrassed to use my tip calculator when I go out to dinner because I can’t really figure out 20 percent, 9 percent if I’m at Tuckers. I can ballpark it, but what if I’m not spot on? Then I look like a dick.

In this day and age, we should rise above the computers and use our real brains to outsmart their fake, emotionless harddrives. If we don’t start now, how do you think the perceived computer takeover is going to go? The robots will slowly out-tip us, out-spell us, out-Jeopardy us, and soon out-think us.

]]>
<![CDATA[DJ AM vs. THE FINAL DESTINATION (mash up)]]>

This weekend was the release of the newest installment in the Final Destination series, THE Final Destination and, much like THE Ohio State, it's nothing special.---

The fourth version of this soon-to-be high grossing horror flick is in 3D, which makes us hope for 3D boobs, which will finally trump Total Recall. The plot lines are basically the same in all four of the movies. A group of hip, young, attractive, no-name, young kids do something extreme and cheat death moments before it would have taken their lives. Then throughout the movie the characters are killed off one by one in a ridiculously unimaginable ways.

I had always written this movie off as a crazy action flick made to bring in tons of cash by giving Americans what they want most: huge explosions, bouncing boobs, cool drugs and, of course, gory death scenes. It wasn’t until I heard about the recent death of DJ AM, that coincidentally happened on the opening night of The Final Destination, that I knew something wasn’t right. It never occurred to me that the writers of TFD3D were actually doing everything in their power to warn us of the consequence of dodging death.

About a year ago, DJ AM and Punk/Hop drummer Travis Barker emerged from a plane crash on fire, leaving behind four dead friends. DJ AM and Travis Barker would blog about how guilty they felt and how they wished death would of taken them, or something, I didn’t do much research really. Cut to about one year later and DJ AM got his wish and was found dead in his apartment. But what killed him? Was it his crack addition that he was trying to kick? That is what the police will probably determine. But, according to every Final Destination movie, death makes every murder look like an accident, a really, really unbelievably ridiculous accident.

I have a theory of how death probably killed DJ AM. In the autopsy it might read, "Overdose: Crack," but I know that when DJ AM arrived home that fateful night he was expecting a quiet night in and was unprepared for what awaited him. As he opened the door he was miraculously tripped up upon entering his home by a hair drying cord. Trying to regain his balance, he stumbled into his TV where he was then electrocuted by a shorted wire which sent him flying into the bathroom where his hit his face on the toilet. In pure panic he flung his head up and smashed the mirrored cabinet that hangs over the sink, filled with his emergency crack stash that MTV producers hid there. The crack then flew into the air in slow motion with Matrix-style camera angles catching every single possible spin the bottle could of taken. DJ AM then fell backward and hit his head on the bathtub damaging his brain forcing his mouth to fall open. As life was leaving him, the crack arched like a Michael Jordan game-winning shot and fell directly into his face covering his nose and mouth. As his struggled to breath his last breath, he inhaled the crack which sealed the deal on the “overdose” autopsy. So as we start to morn the death of DJ AM, who brought such hits as…probably something with beats, I really hope everyone starts to be a little more careful in life. And to Travis Barker, you might be next so please stay away from rollercoasters, race tracks, weight rooms, escalators, bathrooms, hospitals, airplanes, probably everywhere. Death is very “creative.” Hopefully when death finally comes for you, he will mistake you for Asher Roth and take his life, while he is banging out sorority girls. Which would actually be a good plot for Final Destination 5.

]]>
<![CDATA[Charlie's Corner: There's a New Cream in Town]]>

This weekend was a good weekend for walking around the city. The summer weather was finally gracing us with its presence and the rain was holding off for the day. Following a long night of taking in the arts at Final Friday, I awoke with a slight headache that could only be cured with greasy food and a tall glass of lemonade. --- I wasn’t in the mood for the average diner breakfast like pancakes or an omelet. I wanted a smorgasbord board of grease and fat. Landlord, girlfriend and I decided to stroll down to Findlay Market and fulfill our desire to get fat and be American.

After sampling the waffles from A Taste from Belgium, and getting a fresh squeezed Arnold Palmer from Bean Haus, I stopped off at Ms. Helen’s Grill for their famous Mac and Cheese that was swimming in grease and fat, just what Dr. Stomach ordered. I was fulfilled for the moment but something sweet was on the agenda. As I was checking out the menu at Bouchard's Pastas and Baked Goods, Landlord said he was going down to the new gelato spot for something sweet. As my brain processed the thought of yummy creamy milky goodness in my stomach, I was drawn to the gelato stand like a frat dude to Cadillac Ranch Dressing. Dojo Gelato

I approached the glass container at Dojo Gelato that held about eight different flavors, with a new found sense of adventure. As my eyes read left to right, I made mental notes about the selection of flavors. Banana, “OK, makes sense.” Mango, “Tropical!” La Café “Oh I’m French!” Kentucky Bourbon Vanilla “Booze!” Ginger, “Legendary Roots Crew.” And more funny ones, but you wouldn't understand.

The next one on the list blew my mind like a MacGyver opening gambit. The Lavender Honey had an amazing taste that filled my mouth with the feeling of summer and made me forget about colony collapse disorder. With a handfull of neon sample spoons, I really didn’t think things could get any better. Like a small child with a mouth full of cavities, my wide eyes were set on the last gelato which had a unique ingredient that is usually foreign to ice creameries. On top of the white creamy glacier was two slices of fresh bacon. Going by the tag "Porkopolis," this gelato was something to be reckoned with. I went against my vegetarian ways and decided this was something I need to experience in my life. As the creamy gelato invaded my mouth I was puzzled by the lack of bacon until I hit a small crisp piece of pork that overcame the sweetness with saltiness to form a wonderful combination that exploded on my tongue. Even though the "Porkopolis" was an excellent idea, I don’t think I could down a whole cup of it and went with the Lavender Honey and was not disappointed.

On Sunday morning after a wonderful brunch at Tucker’s, me and four other friends headed back to Findlay Market to get more of the gelato. This time I went with the Kentucky Bourbon Vanilla topped with cherries. This combination fused together to create the best sensation since Lavender Honey.

Dojo Gelato just opened in the historic Findlay Market on Saturday. Ran by a very friendly husband and wife, they make the gelato at home from all organic and local ingredients. Their menu consists of everything from milkshakes to sorbet to anything you can request, with at least three days notice. Every week these two foodies are going to have different flavors to keep it fresh and keep me going back. With a solid design scheme and two friendly owners this small business is sure to stay in Findlay for a while. So while you are out strolling around picking up tomatoes and carrots from the local farmer’s market, be sure to check out Dojo Gelato located inside the west side of the market.

]]>
<![CDATA[Charlie's Corner: Is Cincinnati Getting Hotter?]]>

Every time I visit other cities or countries I tend to notice how attractive people are compared to my hometown. If you go to New York City, yeah you are going to see movie stars and models, but the population in general always seems to be more attractive than any of the major cities in the Midwest. ---

Ever since I returned home from South Korea, I've started to notice the increase of babes around the Tri-State area. When I meet up with friends at local drinking establishments, I find myself distracted from the conversation due to the smooth skin honeys that cross into my view. One theory I have is that it’s not just how people look, but it’s how they are starting to present themselves nowadays. Perhaps DAAP has finally made its mark in the community and people are actually starting to care a little more about how they look when they roll out of bed and open that door to the big wide world. It could be that MAC is giving away tons of makeup and actually teaching girls how to apply lipstick and foundation instead of just slapping it on like a Jackson Pollock painting.

One of my many other jobs requires me to ask one simple question to 30,000 fans at the Cincinnati Reds baseball games, "Would you like a free picture for Reds.com?" Since I work on commission and quotas I literally have to ask every single person that I encounter at the game if they want a picture. To avoid making eye contact with weirdoes I wear sunglasses and let my eyes wander while the robot in my brain takes over the conversation. While I explain what the Internet is to grandma, my eyes start to scan the background looking for unique characters to judge and mock inside my head. Instead of finding overweight dads with a mouth full of hot dogs, I just seem to be running across babes in shorty shorts. I started doing the numbers in my brain from the last time I worked at the Reds games about four years ago and I came across some interesting findings. There are more babes per capita in this city than there was in 2005. Using this information I came up with the theory of "Cincinnati Babe Climate Change.”

The cities babe-o-graph has sky rocketed in the past couple years making Cincinnati “Hotter.” Now I'm not just staring at boobs all day, I also notice the attractive males around the area as well. Men are starting to care about their physical features just as much as the girls (chest grooming is now a standard at the barbershop). The men of Cincinnati are slimming down and finally getting rid of all that gel in their hair. Sure there are still tons of class-ring-wearing dudes that are sporting cargo shorts, two or three flipped collars and Oakley sunglasses that make your eyes look fast. But the majority are spotted wearing snugger-fitting jeans and keeping it simple with a plain V-neck, to show off that recently groom chest hair.

The hotness seems to have staying power as well in this community we call the 'Nati. The babies and the wee ones are certainly cute kids and hopefully with the new fangled idea of eating non-processed food and Dr. Phil calling the kettle black by yelling at fat people, they will keep their good looking faces and not end up like their fatso parents (the baby boomers are a lost cause). I have seen more homemade snacks and empty water bottles littering the stadium after the games, which means not as many cubbies chowing down on foot longs and packed nachos like the ones Danny Cross loves so much.

I’m not sure what triggered this increase in hotness in Cincinnati, but I am surely enjoying my job a little more. Flirting with babes all day is a lot better than talking about how sweaty and fat people will look in their pictures, and they will. Plus I’ll probably sell more pictures of attractive people than of fat people, so this "Heat Wave" is not only helping my eyes but getting me a little more cash for my summer fun.

]]>
<![CDATA[There Goes the Neighborhood...Library]]>

There goes the neighborhood…library. So Governor Ted “Bear” Strickland wants to cut 50 percent of the funds for the Cincinnati and Hamilton Public Libraries so he doesn’t have to be a meanie and raise taxes.---

As newly unemployed people have been finding out, the library is pretty sweet. It allows people to upload all the CDs they want onto their $2,000 MacBook Pros for free. No longer will anyone waste their money buying stupid shit like Lady Gaga from the iTunes store. The library also has at least a million DVDs to check out and if you scratch them its not a big deal cause they're not yours. But by far, the best thing about the Library is the free Internet. Many people don’t have iPhones so they can’t get their Internet on while standing in line at Starbucks or surf the Web while out to dinner, ignoring real life and playing Second Life.

The library allows the poor people to check e-mail and update Twitter with boring observations, “I’m at the library, who knew they had books!? WTF?!” With the proposed cut backs the library won’t be able to obtain new books, music, movies and, worst of the all, the Internet time will be cut. So what should we do to avoid this devastation? Probably the thing to do is have everyone actually pay up on their library fines and surely the budget will balance itself. But, what clout does the library have? Those fast-talking, big-word-using nerds don’t scare me, not even the security guards are that intimidating. They only thing that scares me is going to the bathroom on the first floor. Last time I was in there some dude was yelling at the state of Florida in the stall while another man did pushups under the urinal.

I really don’t think cutting the funds of the library is such a good idea. Many people depend on those free resources for job searching, education and free entertainment in tough times. Would it be such a good idea to take away all these advantages from people that are suffering disadvantages? Maybe Gov. Strickland should get himself a library card and check out the book, Governing A Successful State: For Dummies.

]]>
<![CDATA['The Hangover' Movie Review by Charlie]]>

I rarely go to the movies anymore. I’m just too poor to spend $10 to see something I can download for free shortly after the release date. ---

Well last night my landlord asked me to go see The Hangover with him for his birthday celebration. I decided it was a worthwhile investment because we had some pot to enhance our viewing pleasure and I really like big TVs. So we strolled into the theater along with all the cargo-pants-wearing D-bags and their bleach blonde girlfriends with pushed up boobies. I really hate people, so I was already starting to feel annoyed by the whole viewing experience at this point. To top off my annoyance, loads of dicks starting texting/tweeting/updating their fucking blogs “I’m @ The Hangover LOL” during the previews.

As the previews rolled on, nothing really excited me expect for the new awesome addition to the Final Destination movie series. The Final Destination is pulling out all the stops with new fresh-faced actors (they couldn’t get Zac Efron) that almost get killed by a redneck NASCAR driver at what I'm assuming is the Kentucky Speedway. Not only do people still die in super retarded ways, it’s also in 3-MOTHERFUCKING-D! Now the blood and super fast CGI tires will fly at your dome while you freak out in stadium style seating, just like at the racetrack! My favorite part was how intense the trailer was, but when it faded to black at the end the majority of the theater was laughing.

The main feature, The Hangover, is a bro comedy set in Las Vegas that finds four bff bro buddies gearing up for Doug’s bachelor party. They start off the evening with a couple of shots of Jagermeister and a finely worded toast on the roof, in which the best man says something clever like “to a night we’ll never forget.” As the camera pans out to the skyline of Las Vegas the time lapse kicks in and the sun starts to rise. As they awake from their slumber, confused and beaten, they try to piece together their evening and end up finding a baby, a tiger, a tooth and the groom missing. They set out on a hilarious adventure to find their beloved bro groom that combines car chases, naked dudes and Heather Graham’s boob. Too bad they're too HUNGOVER to remember anything that happened that night.

I really wasn’t into the opening musical selection. I was ready for a raging binge drinking super party but got the feeling of a slow picnic on Sunday. After the opening, most of the movie turned into a musical montage, but those are always awesome so I was into it. Most of the comedic highlights are from the trailer, but overall I think Ed Helms and Zach Galifinakis stole the stage from the sexy Bradley Cooper, even though his character was a total dick. The only thing that really bummed me out during the movie was the fact that they stole an entire scene from Tommy Boy. In Tommy Boy Chris Farley and David Spade are in the car with what they assume is a dead deer and it comes alive in the back seat and tears up the car. Just imagine the same scene but with a tiger and with a different fat guy.

Overall it was a good summer comedy, but some parts were rather predictable. The majority of the laughs came during the credits, where they showed actual pictures of the night they couldn’t remember. The third to last one is the best, so stick around. It definitely gives you that “I’m going to Vegas now and getting fucked up so I can’t remember anything” mentality, but really when we all try to do that, we just pass out with our dicks in our hands.

]]>
<![CDATA[Greenest Man Alive]]>

I really want everyone to know that I’m going green, but it’s hard to do! I don’t really invite people over to my house so they can’t see my garden, compost flies or my gray water system. I don’t have a Toyota Prius. I don’t even have a car. So no one sees that I don’t have a car, and if they do see me out walking, they probably think the car is at my house. With the addition of our solar panels and gutter water wheels we are now completely off the grid, so no one can look up how little I’m spending on electric. I ride my bikes around the city but since I switch from my 10-speed to my single speed to my fixie all the time, no one realizes it’s the same guy riding all those bikes. I’m doing all these green things but no one knows how green I am. I thought all my efforts were going to waste, but I found a way to let people know that I’m the greenest dude in town!---

I started by cutting down my showers from once a week to only walking in the rain. Despite not showering or wearing my Tom’s deodorant anymore, I still couldn’t make my stench strong enough to create an impact. So I decided to start wiping garlic and onion peels under my armpits to enhance the rank coming from my body. After a good night's sleep with six cloves and a sweet onion taped to my underarms, topped of with two comforters covering my body, my pits were ripe with flavor. Now when I walk into an enclosed place, people’s heads turn, and I can see them whisper to their friends, “Wow, that guy smells so green!”

People flock to my side wondering how and why I became so green. I then go on a rant of why I went green, and explain to them that the man is harvesting the planet’s blood and expects us to pay for it. I tell them how we are part of the earth and if the man wants to charge us for water now, what’s going to stop him from charging us for oxygen in the future…man. As their faces light up in excitement they say, “How do we stop this man?!” I push the hair out of my face and say, “If you wannabe green, you gotta not clean!”

I have officially raised noses, and awareness for my greenness. Soon Oprah will have me on her show asking me to tape onions to her armpits. Perhaps Cameron Diaz will Skype in explaining how she uses old tampons for towels in order to be green like me. It will be a viral hit, and all the top morning shows will have me on to explain and demonstrate how to go green. I will reach my goal of worldwide green recognition soon enough! Cincinnati will be on the map for the most progressive and stinky city in the US!

]]>
<![CDATA[Bike City!]]>

One of my favorite things to do is ride my bike around the city. Whether it’s for exercise, transportation or recreation, I always feel great getting on the big black bull and flying around the city. I was riding today after work, heading down Spring Grove and was wondering to myself, “When is the city going to repave this street?” --- It's full of potholes and unevenly repaved, but it’s the best place to get a nice flat ride without much traffic. Then I thought to myself, “Ohhhhh, I bet even if they did repave this road they wouldn’t put any bike lanes in, even though it’s totally wide enough.”

I get angry when I realize Cincinnati will probably never accept bikes and install (spray paint) bike lanes down popular streets like Central Parkway. Not only would it make our city more progressive and appealing to the young professional this city so desperately wants, it would also make for a much lovelier ride during rush hours. Most people driving their cars into the city for work from West Chester and Beechmont think bikes should be ridden on the sidewalk. I guess they don’t really understand the word “sidewalk." Even though there are tiny signs perched 40 feet up on telephone polls that say, “Share the Road,” I just don’t think people see them.

My anger aside, it is bike month. If you stop by Park Vine on two wheels you will get 10 percent off your purchase or 20 percent off delicious food. On top of that you will feel extra cool riding a bike around the city.

If you are a newbie to city riding I would suggest starting off on a weekend day during sunlight hours. Sadly, the city is usually pretty dead on the weekend but it certainly makes for a good bike ride. You can ride slow around OTR and check out all the historic buildings. Perhaps stop by Findlay Market, Arnold's or Grammer's for some drinks or a quick snack.

Biking is one of my favorite things in the world. It's so relaxing and freeing from the car life we live here in Cincinnati. I just wish getting around in Cincinnati was more accepted by motorists and the city itself. I’m all about bike awareness and riding to my second job, but sometimes I don’t feel safe. I just don’t trust other drivers in the city (one time I got yelled at by an approaching car for crossing the street at a cross walk). They need to be reminded more that they are not the only people on the road. We need more signs and bike lanes, but unless we have a commercial during American Idol, I'm sure most motorists will just keep yelling at me to "Get on the sidewalk." I love biking and I love Cincinnati, I just wish I could love them together.

]]>
<![CDATA[Party In The Park]]>

Wednesday I decided to go down to Sawyer Point for the Party in the Park. All my friends are starting to be douchebags, so I thought to myself, "Charlie, why not go network and make friends, like Facebook, irl (in real life)?" Since it was a nice night, I thought I would take the new hybrid buses downtown. I also brought along my guitar to practice my scales and just play look cool. My first attempt at making friends included me playing some John Mayer songs on my guitar.---

As these ladies were listening to me play "Your Body Is a Wonderland," I started to finger bang the strings so hard they broke. I tossed the guitar in the trash and headed over to the bar for some sweet $2 happy hour drinks to calm my nerves and quench my thirst. Once the taste of Bud Light hit my tongue I got all excited and sat down next to some other babes and started to tell them about Cincinnati's abandoned subway system that has a water tube in it.

After explaining what kegel exercises were, I remembered that Party in the Park's happy hour lasted from 5-7 p.m.! So I went from single- to double-fisting for a while and just chilled out listening to the local band 5 O'clock Shadow that covered Stained and Tom Petty. I was rocking pretty hard to the tunes when Jimmy and Alica asked me to be in a picture with them for CiN Weekly.

I was pretty much the third wheel for their date. I also think those Bud Lights were putting my mind in a headlock. During the break in the Bands, Kiss 107 was rocking the house taking requests. I think I requested Asher Roth "I Love College" like 15 times, and the awesome thing was that they played it every time. After hearing that song repeatedly I was so drunk I blacked out...

In the morning I was kicked back to life by some workers from P&G who were doing some kind of conference meeting on a bike. They gave me a ride all the way back to the bus stop, where I waited for the No. 14 to pick me up and take me home.

Party in the Park is a good place to meet some good people! I hope you go!

]]>
<![CDATA[Tex the Vortex]]>
Attn: The Vortex Kings Island
6300 Kings Island Drive
P.O. Box 901
Kings Island, OH
45034-0901

Dear Vortex,

I really want you to know that you have my support. I know things are getting tough now a days with the new additions to the park. Two fancy ass rollercoasters have been intruding on your fame and stealing your thrill warriors. What does the Cedar Fair Entertainment Company think they are doing? ---The economy is in a recession/depression, how can they afford to bring in these fancy pants, animal-themed rollercoasters? Were they designed by a twelve-year-old on rollercoaster tycoon? Were they built by out-of-work Americans competing for minimum wage, while the Mexicans resort to killing people and decorating the bodies. These rollercoasters cannot compete with you, good ol' "Tex".

When you were born in 1987, you were a record breaking “Mega Looper” with a total of six inversions, waiting to blow our minds and steal our glasses. Twenty eight lucky riders were separated into your three carts and pulled up 148 feet and then dropped 130 feet at an angle of 48 degrees, reaching a speed of 55 miles per hour- a feat only Sammy Hagar can hang with. Coming into the last loop we always make sure to smile cause our precious faces, or a middle finger, will get it’s picture taken. Now our fun-filled face is frozen in time for the low price of $20. Thanks, Vortex!

Don’t worry about the loopy loop that was introduced last that goes by the name Firehawk (btw that was also the name of my 5th grade soccer team). Vortex you were designed so much better. It’s like the rollercoaster designers of the Firehawk decided it would be fun to put the riders into a recliner position and then drag them up a hill as the sun beats them in the face. Then after they get to the top, flip them around and fling them on their stomachs like Superman on kryptonite. Being a human, and not a sandbag, it actually hurts sometimes to be flipped upside down for two seconds. So why did they think it would be a good idea to have all our weight on our shoulders for the whole ride? After getting off the ride my shoulders hurt like Fabio's face.

As you may know, Vortex, this year KI released the oh-so-anticipated, but also disappointing due to the lack of loops, Diamondback, which cost $22 million dollars, nbd. Located in the lake across from the LaRosa’s that sells $30 pizzas, this Diamondback is hungry for our lives, according to my girlfriend. Her friend that works at KI had a dream that people would die on it. If we have learned anything from Final Destination 3, we all know that if you don’t die from the bite of the Diamondback, you will certainly get it from the Criag's List Killer that is coming to pick up your old desk.

So don’t worry Vortex, this summer we are going to play it safe, and stick with the New Wave hit, you, The Vortex! Your lines will probably be shorter but your quality is classic. I will ride you in every seat from front to back giving you nothing but smiles as my body descends on the final loop.

Sincerely,

Charles Gibson

]]>
<![CDATA[Charlie's Corner: Internet LSD]]>

Today I was zooming around the Internet trying to figure out what to write my blog about. I decided to visit the CityBeat Staff Blogs, which you are reading now, to try and vote again for my own blog. I really needed to bring my stars back up to five after seeing a dismal 2.5 standing for the ER Finale (MAYBE IF SOMEONE WOULD HAVE POSTED IT ON TIME, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN RELEVANT). When I went to click the button for five more big stars I noticed that I couldn’t rate the blogs for a second time. After clicking the stars a little message pops up that says, “You already vote.” ---

I know CityBeat is suffering from the bad economy just like the rest of us, but having a grammatical error on the Web site of a newspaper is like having a dentist with no front teeth. Anyway… on to my blog that I don’t get paid to write, so grammatical errors are welcome! Instead of writing I continued to get side tracked with YouTube videos and listening to Lily Allen talk about how cool Twitter is when you're rich and punching the paparazzi. I came across this “LSD Trip” on YouTube that supposedly simulates — you guessed it — LSD trips. I followed the directions and stared into the screen as the EuroTrash music thumped into my brain and my eyes dried out.

After about a minute or so text popped up telling me to look around the room. When I glanced over at the TV Jimmy Kimmel was bubbling out of the screen. The Samsung 42” flat screen appeared to be rippling water in a vacant swimming pool. I guess LSD loves the summer. Then I clicked on the related video “Trippy Shroom Trip,” which was like falling through the intestines of the BeetleJuice Sand Snake. When I looked up from my Trippy Trip the room seemed to do a little hula dance around my head. I decided that I would start to look at all the weirdo eye videos on the Web that made the room wave at me. They reminded me of newer scary movies, which mostly consist of fast cuts, extreme close ups, weirdo blur blobs and of course wavy faces! They also reminded me of Magic Eye Puzzles. I moved on to the “Hallucinate Without Drugs” video which came with more instructions that were in graffiti type font, which totally means it's going to be awesome! This was probably the coolest one, my mind was blown and it actually made my heart race.

I decided that I should give up booze and drugs and just always have a computer with me so I can “trip” all the time. No need for expensive drugs that will eat away my brain and help fund terrorists to kill babies and white people. This is a cheap way to feel weird, I just only wish it lasted all day. I guess that is why people pay for real drugs instead of internet drugs. Didn't the pengiun from Batman used to have an umbrella that messed with your brain? Yeah he did.

]]>
<![CDATA[ER Finale]]>

It’s over, well as I’m writing this its not, but by the time you read this it will be over. The final episode of ER is airing tonight … perhaps I'll write this as if it’s Friday. --- Wow what an episode! (I hope it lives up to my expectations.) I can’t believe what George Clooney did! That was amazing.

I remember sitting in my mom’s basement when I was about 14 years old, biting my nails, watching ER, probably not really understanding the plot of the episode, but was completely enthralled by the feel of the whole show. The fast-paced music and non-stop sirens just scooped me up for the whole hour. I would religiously watch the show every night at 10 p.m. sharp on Thursday nights 'til I graduated high school.

Thursday night’s hour re-cap of the 15 seasons of ER brought some of the best moments like when Eriq LaSalle did the punch to bended knee “Booya!” after getting acceptance from the senior surgical doctor. As they recapped all the memorable episodes I was filled with nostalgic feelings. I remembered being a kid, sitting on my mom’s dark blue, flower-printed sofa not caring about money, girls or what was going to become of myself in the future. The only thing I cared about was making sure Dr. Ross got that kid out of the sewer drain and kept him alive with a ballpoint pen and a video camera battery in a helicopter, bad ass.

I remember watching the episode where Dr. Greene said “shit” during prime time, thrilled that such a dirty word was on regular TV. As my sister and I watched this unforgettable episode, I remember fighting back the tears during Dr. Greene’s funeral as his daughter released a balloon showing how she was letting go of her father. As I tried to be a tough guy and not cry, I glanced over at my sister and saw the tears running down her face as she said, “Why am I crying over a TV show?” Then during tonight’s episode my heart started to flitter as Dr. Greene’s daughter made a return to the ER to follow in her father’s footsteps.

The episode as a whole was decent; I’m usually a sucker for the action-packed, ridiculous medical emergency episodes. I was kind of hoping for the L-Train to jump the tracks and land in the hospital where chaos would ensue, perhaps Sam would die and then be cast as my girlfriend in real life (I fell in love with her during Freaks and Geeks). I did not get the crazy episode I had hoped for until the end, which I think was a good ending beside the whole, “Dr. Greene (Carter referring to Dr. Greene’s daughter) you working?” or something cheesy like that.

All and all I was satisfied with the final episode, even though I haven’t been true to ER since the 12th grade, it still struck a chord with me. I will miss you ER. I’m sure Southland/OC won’t hold a candle to your 15-year run.

]]>
<![CDATA[Can’t Afford a Kid? Well, Do We Have a Deal for You!]]>

Now that you’re getting older and have given up on your own life goals, it is time to produce an offspring to live vicariously through. Teach them all the things you wanted to learn when you were a child that your parents never taught you. Instill values in them so when they do grow up they will not give up on their dreams like you have. ---

But wait, the economy is in the dumps and you can’t afford to have a baby. Babies cost millions of dollars and poop an average of twelve times a day. There is no way you can afford all those diapers and cute baby clothes on a Starbucks wage. But you can’t deny the urging inside that pumps you full of all these emotions to have a young creature to hold and care for. Finally, artist Wendy Dickison has delivered a “truly real" substitute for the baby-wanting moms out there. Let me introduce Little Umi, a baby orangutan doll that is sure to steal your heart and all your fruit.

For the one time only price of $139.99, plus $15.99 shipping and handling, this little wiper snapper can be your practice baby til you can afford a real one. With arms and legs made with “collector-quality” silicone, Little Umi will be able to handle as many hugs as you can dish out. You will fall in love with this “sweetheart” the moment you look into her ginormous monkey eyes. If your future child has Werewolf Syndrome or mangled hands and feet due to your vast consumption of drugs and alcohol during pregnancy, you will be experienced with the caretaking of such ordeals. Unlike a real baby that needs attention, Umi will not feel neglected when you are out riding the bull without panties at the Cadillac Ranch, because she comes with a “free” pacifier to make her feel safe and secure. When photos of you and Umi together aren’t enough for friends to believe that you own an orangutan baby, be sure to bust out the Certificate of Authenticity and shove it in the face of all the naysayers.

Is Little Umi not big enough to fill that huge hole in you heart? Then adopt Little Risa, the next installment in the series of cuteness. Don’t let Umi grow up an only child and become a spoiled bitch; make her earn that attention. For a little over $300 you can be the proud parent of two orangutan doll babies that will never grow up and never start sexting. You can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are dolls and you can’t possibly kill them or ruin their lives.

Don’t waste any more time. Order both sets now!

]]>
<![CDATA[It’s Spring Break, Do You Know Where Your Daughter Is?]]>

Ah, the spring has sprung and days are growing longer. No more depressing winter cold invading our souls and sucking our lives away as we nap into the afternoon. The imprint in my bed will soon start to rise and my silhouette will disappear. Winter fades into the past and mid-terms or finals come to an end, meaning only one thing: It is finally Spring Break! The ultimate unsupervised vacation for minors and the equally immature freshman in college. ---

Those abs you’ve been working on since your New Years resolution will finally pay off. The time has come to get your back and bikini line waxed and increase your dose of spray-on tan — don’t want to be Casper the friendly hoe, now do we? It’s Spring Break 2009, and no one is going to party harder than your daughter. The most popular destination seems to be the one and only Panama City where anything goes and the STDs flow. Mainly an attraction for jocks, sorority girls or high schoolers that blossomed too early, this cesspool of sex and sin usually ends up with either a rape case, mace face, hidden abortion place or a drug-laced incident. Spring break in Panama City is like a yearly meeting of the douchebags.

“I call this meeting into session, first order of business, TITTIES!!!” This annual asshole assembly will bring in such popular pop culture figures like dudes with white hats and roofies, girls with low self-esteem the creepy guy that wants to relive the old days of Panama in 1983, cougars with daughters and teenagers that will get the IRL experience on sexting. Add in a disposable income from parents' bank accounts and you are in store for a molestation of a good time.

Remember that body grooming is a very important statement that says, “The smoother we are the faster it goes in!” Girls, don’t forget to wax that happy trail cause you know the belly button is a bound to be filled with tequila and then slurped up by a backwards hat-wearing dude with a crustache. Guys, no girl likes below the head body hair. We all know girls enjoy that rash they get after riding your 5 o’clock groan shadow. For both sexes, don’t forget — you will be wearing flip-flops all the time, so shave that toe hair, ew!

After all the black outs and debauchery that goes down, the young will return back to their Midwest McMansions to reminisce about their week of “paradise.” As they are confronted with the charges on the credit card by their parents, the youngsters explain that the "Blow Job" is a type of shot and nothing more. While resting up for class the next day they are haunted by the sores on their privates and the pain in their anus, from what was explained to them by their one nightstand as the “scuba diving sickness.” Even though none of them went scuba diving.

It is not until they finally log onto Facebook to confirm all 300 of their new “friends” that some pictures will start to surface from those fuzzy nights and the rash, sore anus and the lumps on the genitals will all start to make sense. Just like any embarrassing picture on the Internet, the events that happened on spring break will live with you forever.

]]>
<![CDATA[Charlie's Corner: Wine Tasting (at Findlay Market)]]>

This weekend the Cincinnati International Wine Festival is taking place at the Plum Street divider known as the Cincinnati Convention Center. Tickets range from about $55 to like a million dollars. I know some of the proceeds go to charity while the rest goes to cleaning up the puke from the old woman that didn’t know she was supposed to spit out the wine after tasting it (I’ve seen Sideways once), and I’m totally down with giving to charities and doing things to make myself feel better about my privileged life. ---

Take, for instance, the other day I gave Danny Cross a rusted-out trombone that I was going to sell to Buddy Rogers. I wasn’t really into playing it anymore and I knew how into Ska he was. I’m all about giving. I’ll give my time, my energy, even my old clothes, but I’m not really into giving away my money right now.

So, I say, why not just take some old crap to the Free Store and go to the wine tasting at Findley Market? I get the sense of A Christmas Miracle on the inside while, after consuming wine, I get the sense that all the ideas that come into my head are pure genius.

At Market Wines you get to taste four different wines for only $3, and when I say taste it's more along the lines of half a glass. So let's say you're a little lady like my cake-faced girlfriend — you'll totally be tanked within the hour. If you're more of a manly hair machine like myself, you can go double decker and for $6 be grape-faced on antioxidants and then shop for fresh fruit or an Obama T-shirt.

Spring has sprung, and there's nothing hipper than drinking wine at 11 a.m. while shopping for locally grown tomatoes. Finish off the morning with a drunken bike ride through Over-the-Rhine to the Convention Center, where you can sit outside and watch all the old people pile out of a charter bus and get funneled into the International Wine Festival.

Perhaps get another bottle of Crane Lake for the road and slip it into the invisibility cloak of drinking: the paper bag. Pass the bag back and forth taking sips until the baby boomers return into the sunlight wide-eyed and wasted talking about how McCain would have solved the economy by now using Maverick tactics, like card tricks. As they wander onto the bus to be shipped back to Mason, take notice of their newly purchased “Cincinnati International Wine Festival” sweatshirts and ball caps.

]]>
<![CDATA[The B@%*$ Project]]>

The Cincinnati Banks Project is getting a new name! Since 1996 the plot of dirt between the two stadiums has been scheduled for a major facelift. Like most ideas that will bring Cincinnati into the future where a community is based around the city center instead of a Walmart, this one will probably fail. --- Take for example the Cincinnati Subway that was never completed. Something like that would have revolutionized the city and made Cincinnati one of the biggest cities in the United States, but it never neared completion.

Cincinnati is cursed with poor management and just plain bad luck. As we start again trying to bring the city into the 1920s by introducing streetcars (again) and renovating downtown living, we are faced with another great depression. One perhaps even worse than the first that helped stop the progress of the now largest abandoned subway system in the United States. Since we don’t have the luck of the buck on our side, the city is relying on a simple name change in order to lift spirits and get the job done. Due to the dwindling economy, Cincinnati officials did not want the famous riverfront project to be associated with the current state of Wall Street.

Since September 2008 the word “bank” carries as much heat as “fuck,” so why keep the name “Banks Project?” Not only is it uncreative, now it sounds like a porn title. The city has posted a link on the Web site where we can vote on the new name of the B@!$s Project. Unfortunately the names are already chosen and are as generic as Dr. Pop. The choices are Riverfront District, Park District, Parkside and The Banks. Seriously, they want to change the name of the project, but are still keeping the original name on the ballot, come on! At least they didn’t “come up” with the obvious city center names like Greenwich, SOHO, Big Ben, Chelsea or any other stolen name from the British.

According to Channel 9’s Web site, Trent Germano, vice chairman at Carter, said, “This development belongs to the people of Cincinnati and Hamilton County. We want their input and support to help us create a final product that everyone in the region can be proud of.” Really? Where was the suggestion box for this? If this were true, there would be bike lanes, casinos, roller coasters and zip lines to get from UC to Great American Ball Park. As for renaming the project, they should just have a random lottery where everyone enters a suggestion and they are drawn out of a bingo drum. Then announce the winner during the first Reds home game on the jumbotron after the Kiss Cam. It will not only show the liberal side of the city, but also be a truth slam to all the D-bags that will pay a million dollars for a condo and will have to deal with living in the “Penis District.”

]]>
<![CDATA[The Poor Man’s Guide to Partying Hard]]>

Since the job market is still decreasing like my chances of getting paid to write this blog and my funds are depleting faster than anticipated, I am forced to find a way to party without paying. ---

The average cost of a night of drinking usually runs anywhere from $10-$50, unless you are an alcoholic or a walrus. I could go to Kroger and get a 12-pack of PBR for around $5 and get loaded while I sit at home by myself, but I, like many other people, like to socialize. Networking is key to establishing friendships and perhaps evening finding work. It is almost a requirement for me to go out and talk with people over drinks in my time of need. It’s basically like looking for a job and a couple of drinks down the hatch will only increase my confidence. I’ll speak of my skills, work experience and finally top it all off by my ability to speak Spanish while intoxicated.

No matter how poor I am, I still need to go out and be among the normies to throw down some knowledge and beers. With that being said, I have put together some ideas in order to get cheap/free drinks while you are out on the town. The first lesson is to get a bag. Messenger bags are really hip nowadays, and everyone will think you rode your bike to the bar- extra hip points. Along with the never-out-of-style purse, these two holding devices will be like little waiters stuck to your back. Know ahead of time what kind of beer the bar serves; don’t want to show up drinking a Wiedemann when they only serve Schlitz. Also, beware of cans; due to the trashiness of the can they are sometimes not a popular bar item.

The next lesson has to do with the drink that makes ya think, “I want to be wasted as fast as I can to forget that I have four kids and I’m only 23.” When dealing with liquor, a flask is always an important friend to have with you. They are made for the road and are usually engraved with encouraging drinking slogans. The flask is great for shooting or can also be used for mixing with a non-alcoholic drink from the bar.

Next, house parties! First things first, there is nothing better than a house party, especially if it’s not at your house. House parties are usually a good place to rustle up some free alcohol. Perhaps there are kegs complete with red cups and a college dudes that pump them for you. Always check the refrigerator cause it might be filled with 40s like in that Dr. Dre video. If it’s a themed party and you see some fruit floating in a tub full of red liquid, it’s probably the greatest drink ever: pirate punch. But don’t be discouraged if you have a horrible host and there is nothing to drink, more than likely you can find some dudes to bum some beers off of. If worse comes to worse, drink the mouthwash in the bathroom.

Lastly, look for events going on around town. Classy places like art shows or restaurant openings will usually have free wine or dark, hoppy graduate student beers. Free booze and a sense of self-importance is always a good combination in a downtown environment. It might even get you a job when you talk all fancy about paintings that don’t make sense.

I hope you enjoyed some lessons I’ve learned over the years. When times are tough we have to get imaginative. Perhaps tell people it’s your birthday at bars, especially at douche bars. They will probably buy you free drinks if you’re hot and have big Bazooka Joes. Just remember, always be cautious, always be sneaky and don't get busted.

]]>
<![CDATA[Charlie's Corner: Best Job in the World]]>

As my employment search continues for any job I can get my hands on, I sometimes say to myself, "Why settle for those average everyday jobs of folding clothes, answering calls or giving hand jobs?" --- I want to do something adventurous and amazing that I can tell my friends to make them jealous of my awesome new job. So I made a video and applied for "The Best Job In The World" literally. I get paid to be on vacation.

Tourism Queensland has invented a position called an "Island Caretaker" aka "Island Supervisor" in which one very lucky person will live on an island near the Great Barrier Reef and update a weekly blog about their activities including pictures and videos. Sounds too ridiculous to be true right? Well the possibility of getting this job is about 1 in 20,000 right now, so I'm sure it will just come down to the hottest babe with the biggest bombs. I started to do my research for the Great Barrier Reef and watch other applicants whore themselves out with generic picture montages to the tune of Whitesnake's "Here We Go Again." Everything from cell phone quality to highly produced videos made their way into this application process. As I laughed at the desperation of these people, I gathered my film crew (Yusef and Kevin) and began to be hilarious. Click here for my application video! 5 stars would be nice!


]]>
<![CDATA[Charlie's Corner: Jessica Sandwich Simpson]]>

buzzworthy_jessicasimpson000x0400x4.jpg

Today I was scanning the pop culture information super highway to catch up on the latest fads. What's cool, what's hott, what's in, what's not. As I clicked around I came across some newly published pictures of Jessica Simpson. As I gazed at her face with my bedroom eyes, they slowly transformed into bulging ping-pong balls. My F-stop quickly went from an f/8 to an f/1.4 in 1/500 of a second. The sight of this fat woman that was almost finished devouring Jessica Simpson's body, feet first, was on the front page of People magazine. ---

I screamed in horror at the cannibalism that was being performed so publicly in today's media. I then stared for another moment only to realize that a fat woman wasn't eating Jessica, she was the fat woman! How could she even allow herself to be photographed? Maybe she is under the same contract as Shamu and gets delicious treats from Chicken of the Sea every photo op.

As I did my research on celebrity weight gain, it was apparent that this is a classic case of "The Wedding Weight." Much like the Freshman Fifteen, one gains massive amounts of weight while entering a new part of life. And much like those fatty freshman that are too busy "concentrating on their studies/parties," Jessica's "family life" kept her from having the time to workout constantly and eat nothing but carrots. If in today's society a celebrity can walk outside with fatty, high-waisted jeans on and bat wing arms and get away with it, I'm going to have to be forced to take action. Perhaps become my own celebrity where I will run a celebrity training camp on VH1 to keep all the fatties in line. Then I can force Jessica Simpson to work out, do silly challenges and eat carrots all at the same time. These celebrities are our entertainment and I will not have Fattie McGhee-Presley entertaining me, unless it's Biggest Loser because I know I'm better than them and they're not celebrities. So celebrities, learn your place in our lives.

Miss Celebrity you are not Joann from Marketing. You cannot let yourself go and eat Cheetos with cream cheese for lunch. You have to be the one in the bathing suit with a rocking bod that Joann pins to her fridge and strives to be like. Mr. and Miss Celebrity, you are not humans, so you will not be treated like one. You are the gods of beauty and talent and without you our simple 9-5 lives would be so empty. What will we chat about at the water cooler? Ted says, "Gee the harvest looks good this year, I really enjoy growing my own food." Then friendly Philip says, "I really wish the separation of church and state would be practice more in our government." Nobody wants to talk about that! So please, please lose the weight so we can go back to adoring you're quirky slip-ups and all around weirdness.

]]>
<![CDATA[Charlie's Corner: 100 Meter Bong Hit]]>

michaelphelpsweedties_1.jpg

On a cool November night, a glorious freedom-leading individual raised a bong to his lips at a USC party and proceeded to inhale the silly smoke into his dolphin like lungs. As he exhaled after listening to "Battery" by Metallica from start to finish, his eyes watered up and he wondered how weird it would be to actually race a shark on his turf, an Olympic sized swimming pool. Michael Phelps, our beloved Beijing hero and winner of Count Von Count's favorite number, eight gold medals, has admitted to taking some hits off "Cannon Bong Splashington" while getting wild at a college party.---

As the news was announced at least 35 bald eagles dropped dead of broken hearts. The America name that stood strong for 233 years has finally been tarnished. A professional athlete, international icon and rocking sexy body all-American has torn down our flag, laid it on the ground, filled it with marijuana, rolled it up and smoked it. The shame this man must fee for smashing the Americans image, must be horrible. As the guilt weighs on his shoulders he will certainly drown at the bottom of his gold plated pool.

Phelps has apologized about his childish decision-making, blaming it on a Chinese man that tricked him into breathing in the "egg, ham and cheese" smoke, which was supposed to be a meal substitute. He then cursed the Chinese and told of their Olympic 2012 plot to destroy him and win every single medal next time around. He swore the "inhalecident" would never happen again. I wonder if he reused the same apology statement from his DUI charge in 2004. We can only hope that in London he doesn't roll up in a smoking Winnebago with Amy Winehouse behind the wheel. Stepping out asking people if they would like to purchase some "golden medallions."

]]>