CityBeat - Exiled From Main Street http://www.citybeat.com/cincinnati/articles.sec-229-1-exiled_from_main_street.html <![CDATA[To Whom It May Concern - ]]> I have a human being. This can be quite unnerving at times. The human being worries: thinks about its history, its government, its future. The human being even thinks about us. The human being cries. Its tears roll down my screen like rain off a window.

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<![CDATA[The Sobriety Diary - ]]> I once felt as if I had perfected the chemical alchemy needed for me to write with some success. I won’t disclose the exact contents of my proprietary blend, seeing as I may yet trademark it, but one might assume that my equivalent of liquid courage is not the healthiest of cocktails.

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<![CDATA[How To Make an Impression - ]]>

As soon as I was admitted into the emergency room, the first thing the doctor asked was, “What happened?” I answered: “I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who ever broke his ankle while playing golf.”

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<![CDATA[The Unknown and the Unknowable - ]]>

Because it is my lot in life as a writer — however anonymous — to speak of things that are entertaining and/or truthful, I find myself often torn. Especially now that I am post-40, going on 60. But I’m an open book, if nothing else. The only remaining question is whether said book’s ending is good or bad.

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<![CDATA[Glad I’m Not There - ]]>

The loneliest I’ve ever been was when I moved from Cincinnati to Los Angeles at age 20. My ultimate destination being San Francisco, I had stopped there to hang out with my best friend for a bit.

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<![CDATA[The St. Patrick’s Day Massacre - ]]>

I was celebrating the fruition of what I had recently recognized as my life-long dream of becoming an authentic life coach by printing my online diploma, when there was a knock at the door. “Come in,” I said. With his white shirt and well-coiffed speckled gray hair, how could I not recognize him? 

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<![CDATA[Graduation Day - ]]>

Once upon a time there was a bar on Second Street in Cincinnati called Flanagan’s Landing. There were 10 owners, none of whom were Irish, none of whom therefore were kin to me. But they longed to have an “Irish” bar because they were trying to compete with places like Caddy’s. Who could blame them? It made good business sense.

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<![CDATA[1% - ]]>

I had done it a thousand times. Jumped in their car, drove through the tunnel, turned right out of it and then right into the underground parking lot. I did it for those who arrived late, or those who didn’t want to deal with the fans.

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<![CDATA[How to Quit … Everything - ]]>

Now that it is mid-January and our New Year’s resolutions tilt perilously on a cliff, I offer the following wisdom and inspiration to bulwark the masses.

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<![CDATA[Character Actor - ]]>

You may not recognize my name, but you would my face. Look closely, you will see I am almost everywhere, somewhere in the background: chewing on the scenery, nailing my lines, a blank canvas with little or no context to draw upon — just a face in the crowd, an asterisk in the credits.

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<![CDATA[The Ballad Of Aralee Strange - ]]>

What is it about being human that causes us to toast only the dead? Let us instead now celebrate the living. Aralee Strange. The name is almost too perfect, as if a literary device. Yet she is, if nothing else, very real.

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<![CDATA[Exiled from Main Street - ]]>

When word broke one of my drinking buddies, Chris Glandorf, died unexpectedly some weeks back, I was beset by a deadline that I still have yet to meet. I sat in front of my computer, deflated, wondering how such a thing could be true, the long line of goodbyes delivered via Facebook testifying to its validity.

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<![CDATA[Talkin’ Turkey - ]]>

Ten years I’ve been writing a column and the only time I’ve ever mentioned eating, I wasn’t talking about food. I point this out not to congratulate my restraint so much as offer proof that I generally shy away from shoving my beliefs down another’s throat. Yet one I’ve held my entire adult life at least warrants mention in these pages.

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<![CDATA[A Call to Arms - ]]>

Still nary a mention of Tim, though. Until now. For the other day, I received a call from him; he was making his boxing debut on the undercard of ESPN’s Friday Night Fights. He was nervous because he was in tough against an undefeated fighter with a massive pedigree, while he had none. Worse, he confided that he had no trainer with him, as his had fallen ill.

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