Hamilton County commissioners are still
trying to figure out how to most tactfully inform people that the
property tax breaks they were promised when construction of two sports
stadiums aren’t gonna happen. Monzel and Portune were said to be
intrigued by interweaving Walmart sales terms like “rollback” into the
political discourse because people like Walmart so it’s probably a good
way to break bad news to people.
reporter asked a few parents in line if they thought something was wrong
with an educational system in which some schools are so much better
than others that they warrant camping out to get into, he was informed
that if his “drug addict parents did things like this” he “wouldn’t be
making $20,000 a year, living in an apartment and standing out in the
cold like a dumbass” with them.
Some of Mason’s brightest residents
panicked today, believing that a small plane landed on the side of
Interstate 71. What was thought to
be a plane turned out to be a prop built on The Beach Waterpark’s
property. Hours later, things got even more confusing when some of the
first responders passed Kings Island and became certain they were in
France because they saw the Eiffel Tower.
The Lexington Herald Leader today reported that the state of Kentucky will give a 75-percent property tax break to a sweet biblical theme park that will have a full-sized replica of Noah's Ark. The state has already given $43 million in incentives to the Answers in Genesis folks who brought you The Creation Museum, which you and your friends always planned on getting stoned and visiting but never did.
Two Romanian men were arrested today on charges of reprogramming Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards to dispense cash at ATMs. Both suspects were in the country on journalism visas and used the hacked cards to swipe $17,703 from a Chase Bank in Queens, N.Y. The suspects’ haul from the job earned them a slew of charges and two spots on the “100 Top Paid Journalists in America 2011” list.
Angry Vancouver residents took to the streets today after their beloved Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, doing their best to re-create scenes from the last stages of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Coverage of the riot began once the American media’s disbelief of the normally docile Canadians’ ability to riot subsided, and was followed by the filing of video that surprisingly showed that those participating were not wearing flannel shirts.
Cincinnati sports fans are justifiably skeptical of their teams’ yearly promises of greatness. Our recent sports history has left many with a “believe it when we see it” philosophy when it comes to local teams’ on-field success. But when Jay Bruce’s rocket-laser walk-off home run against the Astros on Sept. 28, 2010, caromed off the batter’s-eye pavilion in center field, Great American Ball Park exploded into the greatest celebration in its short history.
A newspaper article today described Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine’s support for a proposal to regulate Internet cafes (is this 1995?) and game parlors (is this 1955?) that offer games with cash prizes. DeWine says regulating "mom and pop" wagering institutions is of far greater importance than giving any attention to how the Buckeye State’s plethora of casinos set to open in the next few years will primarily function as conduits for recipients of government aid to piss their welfare and social security checks away one pull of the one-armed bandit at a time.
Police Chief Tom Streicher has notified his officers in a good old-fashioned memo that they should be on the lookout for distracted drivers who might be texting. A ban on texting while driving has been passed, and now, after being briefed on what exactly text messaging is, Streicher wants it to be enforced.
The foldy paper full of graphics that even the wake-n-bake crowd can’t figure out (more popularly known as USA Today) today came out with some totally gnarly and colorful graphs depicting how the bajillion gallons of oil pumping out of BP Interesting Oil executives’ pockets and into the Gulf of Mexico will flow.