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Isaac Thorn
 

August 10-16: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Lexington Herald Leader today reported that the state of Kentucky will give a 75-percent property tax break to a sweet biblical theme park that will have a full-sized replica of Noah's Ark. The state has already given $43 million in incentives to the Answers in Genesis folks who brought you The Creation Museum, which you and your friends always planned on getting stoned and visiting but never did.  

July 27-Aug. 2: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Two Romanian men were arrested today on charges of reprogramming Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards to dispense cash at ATMs. Both suspects were in the country on journalism visas and used the hacked cards to swipe $17,703 from a Chase Bank in Queens, N.Y. The suspects’ haul from the job earned them a slew of charges and two spots on the “100 Top Paid Journalists in America 2011” list.  

June 15-21: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Angry Vancouver residents took to the streets today after their beloved Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, doing their best to re-create scenes from the last stages of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Coverage of the riot began once the American media’s disbelief of the normally docile Canadians’ ability to riot subsided, and was followed by the filing of video that surprisingly showed that those participating were not wearing flannel shirts.  

Riverfront Redux?

The Cincinnati Reds look to repeat as Central Division champs

0 Comments · Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Cincinnati sports fans are justifiably skeptical of their teams’ yearly promises of greatness. Our recent sports history has left many with a “believe it when we see it” philosophy when it comes to local teams’ on-field success. But when Jay Bruce’s rocket-laser walk-off home run against the Astros on Sept. 28, 2010, caromed off the batter’s-eye pavilion in center field, Great American Ball Park exploded into the greatest celebration in its short history.  

March 23-29: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, March 30, 2011
A newspaper article today described Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine’s support for a proposal to regulate Internet cafes (is this 1995?) and game parlors (is this 1955?) that offer games with cash prizes. DeWine says regulating "mom and pop" wagering institutions is of far greater importance than giving any attention to how the Buckeye State’s plethora of casinos set to open in the next few years will primarily function as conduits for recipients of government aid to piss their welfare and social security checks away one pull of the one-armed bandit at a time.  

Oct. 6-12: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Police Chief Tom Streicher has notified his officers in a good old-fashioned memo that they should be on the lookout for distracted drivers who might be texting. A ban on texting while driving has been passed, and now, after being briefed on what exactly text messaging is, Streicher wants it to be enforced.  

May 5-11: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The foldy paper full of graphics that even the wake-n-bake crowd can’t figure out (more popularly known as USA Today) today came out with some totally gnarly and colorful graphs depicting how the bajillion gallons of oil pumping out of BP Interesting Oil executives’ pockets and into the Gulf of Mexico will flow.   

April 14-20: Worst Week Ever!

1 Comments · Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Thanks to the Cincinnati Police Department, nearly 150 residents of three Section 8 buildings in Avondale had their utilities turned back on. Landlord Joseph Lentine III blamed the disruption in service first on Duke Energy. When the power was restored, it's quite likely he had to resist throwing in a Shaq-in-his-prime zinger like "at least something in those buildings is working now."  

Back to the Future

Youthful 2010 roster showcases the Reds' exciting upside

0 Comments · Monday, April 5, 2010
While attending a game at Great American Ballpark has always been a good time, it's likely to be more enjoyable this summer since the team's rebuilding plan has started to show signs of fruition. The Reds' future, which has seemed bright for years, actually appears to be now.  

March 10-16: Worst Week Ever!

0 Comments · Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Ty Pennington’s chubbier, less attractive doppelganger Guy Fieri today brought his traveling show to town, spotlighting regal local eateries like Terry’s Turf Club in Linwood. While Fieri yelled about how “wild” the Turf Club is, his staff scrambled to find other local eateries to spotlight on the upcoming episode all about The Cincinnati.