Satanists everywhere rejoiced today as the New England Patriots thrashed the Denver Broncos 45-10 in AFC Playoff action. A spokesperson for the Church of Satan noted that Denver quarterback Tim Tebow’s total passing yards this week was so low “you’d probably find something about it in the book of Genesis.”  

Cincinnati native Barry Larkin was elected to baseball’s Hall of Fame today. After playing for the Reds from 1986-2004, Larkin’s acceptance into the Hall of Fame cements his legacy as one of the best to ever play the game.  

Rev. Pat Robertson’s think tank was working overtime early this morning, trying to substantiate links between the power outages which delayed last night’s Pittsburgh Steelers game in Candlestick Park against the San Francisco 49ers and God’s angry hand.  

In the Clifton redevelopment stategy, National retailers Great Clips, Firehouse Subs and Dibella’s Old Fashioned Submarines will lease some of the 80,000 feet of retail space. Opening two more places to get subs within a quarter mile of Quizno’s, Jimmy John’s and Potbelly doesn’t seem like the wisest thing to do.  

Hamilton County commissioners are still trying to figure out how to most tactfully inform people that the property tax breaks they were promised when construction of two sports stadiums aren’t gonna happen. Monzel and Portune  were said to be intrigued by interweaving Walmart sales terms like “rollback” into the political discourse because people like Walmart so it’s probably a good way to break bad news to people.  

When a reporter asked a few parents in line if they thought something was wrong with an educational system in which some schools are so much better than others that they warrant camping out to get into, he was informed that if his “drug addict parents did things like this” he “wouldn’t be making $20,000 a year, living in an apartment and standing out in the cold like a dumbass” with them.  

Some of Mason’s brightest residents panicked today, believing that a small plane landed on the side of Interstate 71. What was thought to be a plane turned out to be a prop built on The Beach Waterpark’s property. Hours later, things got even more confusing when some of the first responders passed Kings Island and became certain they were in France because they saw the Eiffel Tower.  

The Lexington Herald Leader today reported that the state of Kentucky will give a 75-percent property tax break to a sweet biblical theme park that will have a full-sized replica of Noah's Ark. The state has already given $43 million in incentives to the Answers in Genesis folks who brought you The Creation Museum, which you and your friends always planned on getting stoned and visiting but never did.  

Two Romanian men were arrested today on charges of reprogramming Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards to dispense cash at ATMs. Both suspects were in the country on journalism visas and used the hacked cards to swipe $17,703 from a Chase Bank in Queens, N.Y. The suspects’ haul from the job earned them a slew of charges and two spots on the “100 Top Paid Journalists in America 2011” list.  

Angry Vancouver residents took to the streets today after their beloved Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, doing their best to re-create scenes from the last stages of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Coverage of the riot began once the American media’s disbelief of the normally docile Canadians’ ability to riot subsided, and was followed by the filing of video that surprisingly showed that those participating were not wearing flannel shirts.