Dayton becomes first Ohio city to take stance against other states that are dumb; spawn of Donald Trump avoid having to vote for evil father; celebration of new soccer team's first win includes theft of team's banner and more.
State department advises ugly Americans to stay home and watch TV on Spring Break; John Kasich reportedly willing to start talking about being 'on fleek' and swagger'; bored with fucking up the government, tea party legislators leave office and more.
Pollution of America's waterways temporarily produces artificial beauty; Cowboys owner/noted medical genius sees no link between NFL and brain disease; God isn't the only sky creature who has no love for most of the human race and more.
Republican group might need to hire one of them social media managers; Syrian refugees introduced to Western culture courtesy of furry convention; Trump revises Cincinnati trip fearing how tiny hands would look holding a coney and more.
FBI confused about iPhones, proposes trampling privacy rights to address issue; officer not charged in crash thanks to helpful coworkers; rad tech used to determine identity of artist who wished to remain anonymous and more.
Kase Dawg realizes he has zero shot of becoming prez; service animals can only be certain types of animals, because people ruin everything; supreme court justice performs job duties like stoned, shy high school student and more.