America is the type of place where people don’t read. It’s also where few people question the logic behind
heeding the stone-calendar-based prophetic warnings of an ancient people
whose neighbors thought the Spanish invaders on horseback were gods and
not human beings.
THURSDAY DEC. 6: Cincinnatians often offend local
sensibilities when they travel to coastal states by calling soda “pop”
and refusing to let anyone off the hook if they profess to not thinking
chili spaghetti is better than cold-water lobster tail.
SATURDAY NOV. 24: The best way to increase public safety is
to get things that imperil it off the street … and then auction them
off to the public so they’ll be back on the streets. That’s the
bulletproof rationale the Kentucky State Police are employing by selling
confiscated firearms to gun dealers.
MONDAY NOV. 19: Justin Bieber won artist of the year at the AMA awards last night,
leading readers of things everywhere to become less jaded by all the
publications that run “Signs of the Apocalypse” blurbs within them.
WEDNESDAY OCT. 31: Space jumper Felix Baumgartner discouraged American leaders from funding exploration to Mars during a recent interview.
According to Baumgartner, the red planet probably sucks and the money
that would be used on such trips in the future would be better invested
on the planet we presently live on.
THURSDAY OCT. 11: The Reds today became the first team in National League history to blow a
2-0 lead in a five-game Division Series. This latest painful postseason
exit for a Cincinnati sports team caused more chafing than others
because of how well the Reds played during the regular season, and for
the first time in like 20 years local sports fans thought their team had
a legitimate shot at winning a title.
MONDAY OCT. 8: Pizza Hut will give an audience member at next week’s presidential
debate at Hofstra University free pizza for life if they exploit the
town hall format of it and ask one of the candidates if they prefer
sausage or pepperoni as a topping during the debate.