MONDAY SEPT. 24: That loud sound you heard late Monday night was a gigantic moan from fans of the Green Bay Packers,  whose team (literally — they own it) was robbed on a last-second, desperation heave from the Seattle Seahawks which resulted in the game-winning touchdown.   

THURSDAY SEPT. 13: Amanda Bynes, once named one of Teen People’s “25 Hottest Stars Under 25” got herself into hot water today after paparazzi filmed her driving around for hours while hitting a marijuana pipe that looks like a car lighter.  

MONDAY SEPT. 10: Because of the lack of effectiveness of those commercials in which a car full of Stony Maloneys runs over a kid on a bike whilst ordering at the drive-thru as if their car was Grave Digger and the little kid was a rusty car positioned in front of it, other avenues are being explored to make people not like smoking pot.   

SUNDAY SEPT. 2: Carolyn Washburn, editor and vice president of The Enquirer, wrote a piece in today’s edition explaining the new look of the paper’s print edition. Washburn said the new look of the paper will be like the Weekly Reader newspapers you used to get in grade school, but with fewer pictures of animals.  

THURSDAY AUG. 23: The University of Toledo Medical Center today announced that its kidney transplant program has been suspended following a botched transplant earlier this month resulted in a kidney being ruined by “human error.”  

SATURDAY AUG. 18: According to ABC News, librarians at Guantanamo Bay’s prison detention center have had to order more copies of the 1990s TV show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air starring Will Smith because a lot of prisoners like watching it.  

WEDNESDAY AUG. 1: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has long been a publicity hound, enacting stupid and ineffective procedures like making inmates wear pink and broil in the Arizona heat while doing their time. Today, in a bit of role reversal, Arpaio was in court.  

WEDNESDAY JULY 25: Delta Air Lines today found out that it sucks to not be good at gambling, after reporting a second-quarter loss of $168 million, or 20 cents per share.
  

WEDNESDAY JULY 11: Alanis Morissette didn’t know what “ironic” meant and we probably don’t either … but it sure sucks for all the people who took a hair-loss medication called Propecia, which people in lab coats now believe harms males’ sex drives and somehow even shrinks the organs found where the bathing suit covers.  

A text message from Bengals coach Marvin Lewis reportedly evoked an emotional response from his former player, Chad Ochocinco, on Ocho’s wedding day. Ochocinco wrote on Twitter that he was “going through text messages, Marvin Lewis message is making me tear up a lil bit and I didn’t even see the bride yet…” This comes as a surprise to many Cincinnatians, who recall the dysfunction and lack of success which typified the coach and player’s relationship during his time with the Bengals.