Future Republican Presidential Nominee Watches Sci Fi Film, Says Plot Could Totally Happen: While the liberals here at CityBeat
prefer the nutty “everything is a conspiracy” brand of Republican
politician over the “selectively interpret passages from the Bible to
exert social control over a nation founded on the principle of
separating state and church” kind, they both suck.
Walmart Finds New Way to Look Like Assholes, Surprises America: Halloween is coming up soon, and that
means you’ll probably get roped into attending a party and binge
drinking to avoid thinking about if it’s dumb or not to be in costume at
FRIDAY SEPT. 13: Ohio is a great state with a lot of smart
people in it, but somehow it seems like the dumbest people in it end up
in really important positions. Take Debe Tehrar, the president of the
Ohio School Board.
MONDAY AUG. 12: Add cursive writing to the list of things
from your precious moments of youth that were wasted on learning things
which were totally irrelevant and not worth knowing how to do now that
you are old and stationary.
TUESDAY JUNE 25: An Ohio man’s recent trip to Michigan took a turn for the worse
after he took some mushrooms and was found trespassing inside Ypsilanti
Middle School. Responding officers noted that the man had ripped part of
his penis off.
SUNDAY JUNE 16: The Muppets from Sesame Street
today introduced a new character named Alex whose father is
incarcerated. Since we live in the nation that imprisons a higher
percentage of its populace than any other in the goddamned world, it
makes sense to reduce the stigma attached to this aspect of our society.
MONDAY JUNE 10: When people get freaked out that everything
they do online and via telephone is being recorded by an
unconstitutional and invasive governmental presence, the first thing
they do is get on amazon.com and order George Orwell’s novel 1984.
SATURDAY JUNE 1: A fight during a kindergarten graduation
ceremony in Cleveland today made national news. The brawl broke out
after refreshments were spilled, which is exactly what the little kids
had spent the past year learning you aren’t supposed to do.