I like to think of myself as a pretty normal person, perfectly capable of interacting with a variety of other humans. I watch bad television and sometimes shop at Wal-Mart, yet I enjoy ethnic food and DIY projects. MFin' renaissance woman. But sometimes, despite a breadth of interests and activities, I cannot deal with people. Enter the Cincinnati Zoo.
This Sunday, instead of burying my head under a pillow until 1 p.m., the boyfriend and I decided to pay a visit to the yearly Zoo Babies attraction. The weather was sunny and warm, and neither of us were hungover - a perfect and rare opportunity to look at little animals.
Nearly anyone can enjoy a trip to the zoo, but I know very well that this type of attraction is particularly appealing to little humans - children. And sometimes children don't know how to walk yet or their biological walking timers shut off and they need assistance, i.e. strollers. I know they're necessary, but some of these devices are more comparable to a slightly smaller Prius. Of course, you have to let kids cut in front of your or you're a total bitch. But, god damnit, I paid $14 to be here and I want to see the manatees, too.
So what are you supposed to do? Wait patiently for the throng of toddlers to peep new baby giraffe, Zuri and then try your damnedest to see past their gooey fingerprints smudging the glass window once it's your turn.
Strollers suck (though they're much more obtrusive at packed festivals - watch out for those bad boys this weekend at The Taste!), but Sunday I found a worse alternative that I thought only existed as a joke in the '90s - baby leashes. I witnessed countless seemingly behaved youngsters strapped in a fuzzy, cuddly, stuffed-animal themed LEASH. How lazy of a parent do you have to be to think the best way to prevent your kid from jumping into the polar bear cave is to attach them to a harness?
However, it's another issue if you're hypoglycemic and hyperactive. A hyper-hypo.
You better believe I gave a big old side-eye to each of these parents. For the love of god, go back to the tricked out, view-obstructing, toe-crushing stroller! Anything is better than a child leash.
Thankfully, dedicated individuals have devoted their time to stop this injustice.
Of course, there's another group of humans that left me mimicking the gorillas:
The I-don't-give-a-fuck crew.
So we're in the Jungle Trails, a peaceful, shaded area with plenty of space and lots of cool creatures. I'm just trying to get a good view of a zebra when I hear a stern, "Excuse me. There is no smoking anywhere in the zoo." Now, this dude was kind of dickish, gettin' up in somebody's bidness while wiping his kid from head to toe with sanitizer. But, holy shit, some bitch was actually smoking a cig by the animals! She quickly extinguished her smoke (possibly into the animal sanctuary - I was trying not to stare) with a raspy "Sah-ree." With that, it was time to escape to the air-conditioned nocturnal animal space.
It was pretty dark and kind of hard to see these critters (hello, nocturnal!) and one particularly grimy child next to me began smacking the window next to me.
"Wake up! Where is it?" he shouted, as a little partner in crime joined him in glass-banging. Half-concerned for the adorable lemur on the other side, half-worried someone might mistake these shit heads as my own offspring, I used my best waitress voice and said, "Hey guys, we shouldn't tap on the glass, OK?" and pointed to the dozens of signs suggesting the same. They continued.
We made our way back outside, to see my most anticipated animals, the bonobos. These apes share 98.7% of DNA with humans and are completely capable of learning many people things, like understanding English and using American Sign Language. (Side note: I'm half-way through Water for Elephants author's latest novel Ape House, in which bonobos play a huge role. It's a great read.) They're sweet.
Once again, I found myself behind a bunch of kids who probably can't pronounce bonobo and probably won't remember seeing them, but I kept my patient pants on. Until grimy kid #1 resurfaced…on the other side of a rope barrier, pounding on the gate. Sure enough, the brat belonged to cig lady who, at this point was enjoying (her fifth?) draft beer.
"C'mon, stop it. You're not supposed to be there," she yawned.
"I wanna see if he'll attack me! I wanna see if he'll attack me!"
This continued for a few minutes. I felt my mouth drop and I turned around to see I wasn't the only one in awe. Anyone who makes me feel like I'd be a competent mother has some serious issues. Maybe child leashes are appropriate in certain situations.
I guess I didn't really learn how to better cope with people, but I did discover this: animals are way cooler than humans, and their babies are cuter.
The Walmart security team (read: elderly men who think they’re still in Korea) had it pretty easy when Timothy Randall Clark decided to try and steal $500 in video game products (read: a copy of the new Call of Duty for each one of his cousins) during the “Shop With a Cop” community program. Apparently it’s incredibly difficult to steal from a Walmart when there are 50 police officers hanging out in the home and garden section. Go figure.
There is a trailer up for Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest film, The Dictator. While the director has given up on trying to fool unsuspecting people to be in his movie, he has hired A-listers Ben Kingsley, John C. Reilly and Megan Fox to be in the film.
Patton Oswalt was booted from the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema for texting. There is a (maybe fake) video here.
The Screen Actors Guild Award nominees have been announced, and The Help is leading with four nominations. Also of note, Hugo and Harry Potter received no recognition.
The large signs started showing up right outside of Ellis Park as we drove to the USA vs. Slovenia soccer match: "Johannesburg is ready." Sure, these signs were meant to tell foreigners that South Africa had everything in order for the 2010 World Cup. But they also seemed to be a pep-me-up for South Africans, as if the signs were saying, "Johannesburg is ready. Right, guys? Right?"
Before I left on my trip to South Africa to enjoy the World Cup, plenty of people tried to discourage me. My mom said it was too dangerous, and my friends wondered why I'd want to fly that far just for a soccer game.
I hate wearing pants.
For every ten pairs of pants I try on, I might look slightly normal in one. They’re usually too short and I always have a hand-full of extra fabric in the crotch region (Do pant designers assume everyone has a foopa? ). I wish a dress or skirt was appropriate for every single situation, but that’s simply not the case.Thankfully, indiDenim has heard my pant-hating cries.
Man, I just recently started watching Deadwood with the boyfriend. (I just IM’d him to confirm that he’s offish my boyfriend, because I’d never typed out the word before — in regards to him — and it looked funny, so I had to double check.)
Christian Moerlein now boasts a variety of beers and lagers including Moerlein OTR Ale, Moerlein Lager House, Moerlein Barbarossa Double Dark, Moerlein Northern Liberties IPA, Moerlein Seven Hefeweizen, and Moerlein Seasonal Selections. Moerlein beers and lagers are available on tap at a number of local pubs and restaurants and in bottles at retail stores.
The brewery will be open every Friday through Sunday for tours. Tours will begin at the following times: Fridays at 5 and 7 p.m.; Saturdays at 1, 3, 5 and 7 p.m.; Sundays at 1, 3 and 5 p.m. The Christian Moerlein Craft Brewery, Tap Room and Tour Center is located in the Kaufman Pre-Prohibition Brewery Complex, 1621 Moore Street. Ample parking is available in adjacent lots. For more information, visit christianmoerlein.com.
Voice of the common man, conscience of the American people, shepherd of men and 700WLW staple Bill Cunningham made an impassioned plea to his radio audience Nov. 2, saying if Mitt Romney lost the election, he would end his 30-plus year career in radio.
“For nearly 30 years I’ve been the voice of the common man and conscience of the American people. I have led you and you’ve allowed me to lead you through thick and thin, through good times and bad, through recessions, depressions, wars, feasts and famines, through hurricanes, tornadoes and more,” Cunningham said.
“If Mitt Romney does not win the election, I, Bill Cunningham, your shepherd, will quit radio on Wednesday Nov. 7. I’ll give it up. Continue my great television career and practicing law, but if my credibility means anything between you and me it means that you will listen to what I have to say.”
Now, in the morning after, a time when we ourselves have often felt that “oh God, what have I done” feeling, we at CityBeat want to make our own impassioned plea: Don’t quit, Willie. Cincinnati needs you.
You’ve always been a source of inspiration and wisdom to budding journalists and truth-seekers at CityBeat. Were it not for your Aug. 28, 2009 interview with Cincinnati Profile, we would never have known what “my baby daddy” was. We might forget what Barack Hussein Obama’s full name is were it not for your show.
Without your faithful shepherding we’d go on believing the lie that things like assistance to the disabled and payments to workers who are injured on the job were good things!
We’re glad to hear that you are backtracking on your Nov. 2 pledge planning to go on an intervention with Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Gov. John Kasich and Sen. Rob Portman to determine your future in radio.
As you said on your show today, “every herd of sheep needs a shepherd,” and you’ve been our shepherd for more than 30 years. Please don’t “take [your] staff, crash in [your] skull and kill [yourself].” We, the bleating masses of Cincinnati, still need you.
David Fincher’s protégé Noble Jones is working on a low-budget remake of American Psycho. Originally a novel by Bret Easton Ellis (Rules of Attraction), American Psycho tells the tale of a yuppie serial killer by the name of Patrick Bateman running amok in the streets of New York City. The 2000 release, directed by Mary Harron, starred an excellent Christian Bale. Jones hopes to strip down the original to a more raw film, updating the scenery so to see how Bateman would fare in a modernized New York.
Christian Bale was attacked by Chinese police while trying to visit blind lawyer and activist Chen Guangcheng, who has been living under house arrest since his release from prison last year. Footage shot by CNN, which was invited on the journey by Bale, shows police telling Bale to leave and trying to grab the video camera he was carrying. When Bale said, “But I’m the goddamn Batman,” he was roughed up a bit.
Bale was in Beijing to promote his new partially state-funded movie, The Flowers of War. Oops. "What I really wanted to do was to meet the man, shake his hand and say what an inspiration he is," Bale said.