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Last night was the Modern Family 63rd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards, which is basically an orgy of television shows from Glee to Deadliest Catch to The Daily Show.

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If you miss Turntable Tuesdays at Clifton's Golden Lions Lounge, dust off your disco balls, because John O'Bryant and Hilly Kenkel are back! The duo who presented the weeknight dance party on Ludlow Avenue have relocated downtown. Now Mainstay Rock Bar will be the place to for weeknight partiers, 10 p.m.-1 a.m. on Thursdays.

Important People is a diverse collective of area writers that strives to bring together others through creative expression at organized events. Tonight's Important People Forget Their Lines is a night of staged works of poetry, theater and other performances. Forget Their Lines is an investigation of the stage as an environment for exposing human impulses like anxiety, absurdity, self-deprecation and vulnerability. Come to Museum Gallery-Gallery Museum in the Brighton Arts District from 7-9 p.m. tonight to check it out. Read more about Important People and tonight's performers here.

Martinis and manicures might sound a bit messy (I can't go without smudging wet polish while I'm sober), but not when professionals are involved! Oriental Wok in Hyde Park hosts a pampering session tonight: mini-manicure appointments, two cocktails and mani-friendly appetizers for $35. All proceeds go to the Red Cross to benefit local victims of recent tornadoes. Order some tasty dinner to go when you're done. Go here to RSVP.

Find more arts, theater and comedy events on our To Do page, and follow our music blog for nightly shows.

Occupy Cincinnati is hosting a primary watch party at C & D Northside from 8-11 p.m. Check out the night's results while enjoying a stiff drink — the group's Facebook invite suggests ordering a "Santorum" (though something tells me I might have to pass). Occupy has some tips for voting against corporate parties; check those out here.

And speaking of the man who turned "Santorum" into a dirty word, a bit further south down I-75 Dan Savage is speaking at the University of Kentucky. Savage is touring as a part of the It Gets Better lecture series, the movement created by Savage to give hope to LGBTQ kids who face bullying, and fight hatred and intolerance against them. Savage will give a presentation and sign books beginning at 7 p.m. in Memorial Hall on the UK campus. If you can make the trip, it's a great opportunity to meet Savage and become involved in It Gets Better — tickets are free to all attendees (just have a local direct you to the Student Center Ticket Office to pick up passes).

Investigative reporter, film producer and Cleveland-native James Renner debuts his first novel tonight at Joseph-Beth Booksellers in Rookwood Commons. The Man From Primrose Lane is a "mind-bending and genre-twisting" story about the murder of an elderly man in Akron. Renner will read from and sign the novel at 7 p.m. The event is free (the book is $26).

Go here to find other arts and theater events happening tonight. Find tonight's live music schedule here.

Kanzi the bonobo knows how to say around 500 words via a keyboard, start a fire with matches and make his own food. He has a leg up on the modern 12-year-old.

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In celebration of City Council’s repeal of the breed-specific language in Cincinnati’s vicious dog ordinance, Cincinnati Pit Crew invites pups of all sorts to strut the streets tonight. Pitties on Parade is a chance for pit bulls and other breeds to show off their sweet side and display why the May 16 repeal was a good decision. The group walk begins on the West Grove of Fountain Square (pets are not allowed on the actual square) at 5:30 p.m. and will continue on various routes, where participants will break into groups to saunter across the city. Everyone will re-group at Smale Riverfront Park at 7 p.m. Make sure your dog is healthy, at least 6 months old, up-to-date on vaccinations and good-natured (the same should probably go for owners). Meet up at Neon’s Unplugged, the pooch-friendly bar in OTR, for an after-party 'til 9 p.m.

Cincinnati E.A.T.S. (Epicureans About Town Society) hosts a Subterranean Picnic Party at Jimmy G’s tonight. Cincinnati E.A.T.S. aims to bring locals to the best independent area restaurants by presenting themed evenings of fixed-price meals. Tonight, Chef Jimmy Gibson has created a three-course menu with shareable sides. Pre-dinner drinks and wine pairings will be available (not included in $44.50 ticket price). There is also a benefit aspect to each event — tonight guests are encouraged to bring several non-perishable food items to be donated to the Freestore Foodbank. Cocktail hour begins at 7 p.m. and dinner will be served at 8 p.m. Grab a last-minute ticket here.

Tonight is the first official evening of Fringe Festival performances. Offerings include Breaking Rank, The Sweet, Burning Yonder, METHTACULAR!, Grim and Fischer, Rodney Rumple’s Random Realty, Blown Up, You Will Have 25 Minutes to Complete This Essay, Female Desires and Quake: A Closet Love Story. Whew! Check out the official Fringe guide, with performance descriptions, ticket information and full schedule here.

Party in the Park continues tonight at Yeatman’s Cove with Stays in Vegas. Happy hour runs 5-6:30 p.m., offering $2 off beer, wine and cocktails. The free concert runs until 10 p.m.

Did you know today is Water a Flower Day? Make sure you're watering your thirsty plants during what's looking like a very hot summer!

Local Authors Dann Woellert and Don Heinrich Tolzmann will discuss and sign their respective Cincy-centric books tonight at Joseph-Beth Booksellers in Rookwood Pavilion. Woellert's Cincinnati Turner Societies details the locally-founded American Turners organization, created by area German-Americans to influence a growing nation in education, progressive thought, politics, human rights, health, literature and the arts. Tolzman's Over-the-Rhine Tour Guide is an interesting companion to the German Heritage Tours he leads. The book gives a history lesson on the geographical and architectural importance of the area over the years. The event runs from 7-8:30 p.m.

The Playhouse's Tigers Be Still and Ensemble Theatre's Time Stands Still both have productions tonight. Check out our To Do page for more daily recommendations, and our music blog for nightly shows.

Raise money for the United Cerebral Palsy of Greater Cincinnati while chasing a pack of stone-cold foxes? You can be a part of the fun at tonight’s Fox and Hound 5K at Sawyer Point. The race combines fundraising, running, walking and flirting for participants of all athletic abilities. Here’s the deal: The "hounds" (fellas) will chase the "foxes" (ladies), who get a five-minute head start for the race. Pairs of men and women can also compete to become top foxes and hounds. For those who haven’t yet registered, it’s $45 for the race, after-party admission, a T-shirt and chip timing (if available). Registration opens at 6 p.m.; the race starts at 7. Stick around post-race for an after-party at the park's Cincinnatus Sculpture.

The Cincinnati USA Music Heritage Foundation (CUMHF) presents a celebration for the limited-edition digital EP/art package of Come Play The Lost Notebooks of Hank Williams tonight at the CUMHF's (as well as CityBeat's) HQ, 811 Race St. The EP is $20; admission is a $5 donation to the foundation for non-members (or free to those who buy the EP). Guests will also get to see a video of the "Guitar Army" that performed at the 60th anniversary of the "Train Kept A-Rollin'" recording, last summer on Fountain Square. Doors open at 7 p.m.

Over at Washington Park, The Chris Comer Trio performs as part of the weekly Jazz in the Park series. Music runs 7-9 p.m. While you’re there, peep the sand volleyball court being set up for tomorrow's AVP Cincinnati Open kick-off. Volleyball players fresh off the boat from London’s Summer Olympics will play 8 a.m.-8 p.m. Friday-Saturday and 9 a.m.-5 p.m. Sunday. Find tickets here.

As September approaches and summer winds down, two additional free, weekly events come to an end tonight.

It’s Commonly Jazz welcomes the Mike Wade Septet featuring Steve Wilson to Eden Park Seasongood Pavilion. The free concert runs 6-8 p.m.

Salsa on the Square goes out with a bang tonight with music from Tropicoso (the group behind Latin Monday Nights at The Mad Frog). Learn to dance from Salsa pros or watch the fun while enjoying a cold beer. If you haven’t shown off your dance skills yet, strut your stuff on Fountain Square from 7-10 p.m.

Looking for a spot to grab dinner or drinks? We suggest Lavomatic, the recently made-over café in The Gateway Quarter. Check out this week’s review here.

Dayton's Ruckus Roboticus is currently featured on MTVu.com as one of this week's "Best Freshman Videos." The funky Hip Hop bot's "Take Me To The Disco" Video, featuring local actors, is vying for a spot in MTVu's permanent rotation. To celebrate the vid's lead in votes, the crew invites everyone to happy hour at the Moerlein Lager House. Enjoy cheap drinks and a vote-a-thon — bring your smartphones and other space devices beginning at 5:30 p.m. Voting for the video continues through Friday.

Support the Junior League of Cincinnati while checking out a sweet showcase tonight at Scene Ultra Lounge. JLC's "I Want Candy" fashion show will feature items from Knickers XY and Fetish Boutique, hairstyles by High Five Salon and Bobbi Brown cosmetics from Saks Fifth Avenue. Ten bucks gets you in the door; the show begins at 9 p.m.

Check out our To Do page for art exhibits, theater shows and other events happening tonight and follow our music blog for nightly club shows and concerts.

In what can best be described as #whitepeopleproblems, Will Smith inadvertently caused a county-wide school lockdown last week in Ambridge, Pa. An area high school was organizing a Fresh Prince of Bel Air themed dance (whatever that means) so, naturally, some students were getting really into it — 19-year-old Travis Clawson even changed his voicemail recording to his own cover of the iconic theme song. Unfortunately, an local office receptionist was not in on the joke.

The woman did not understand the voicemail recording when she called Clawson to confirm an appointment (it has not been confirmed whether or not this woman was in a coma from 1990-1996, but that is really the only justifiable excuse for not knowing that tune). At some point during the recording, perhaps when she heard “shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school,” the woman was worried there had been a school shooting (“shootin’ some peo-ple outside of the school?”) and called the police, who issued a lockdown at that high school and all other schools in the county. Of course, it was soon discovered that their was no incident and everyone was cleared. But it just goes to show you...

                                                 Parents Receptionists Just Don't Understand

As Eminem so eloquently said, Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell his records, but what’s considered a cuss word these days? Ask Lil Poopy. This 9-year-old Boston native raps about lots of stuff kids like, such as money, fine foods and coke. Yeah, Lil Poopy calls himself a coke boy (he also calls himself Lil Poopy), but, according to the “Pop That Remix” lyrics, “Coke ain’t a bad word, Coca Cola/Coke ain’t a bad word, it’s only soda.”

Vice featured the tiny rapper in January, but Poopy’s making news again now as his father is being investigated by family services. (Thanks, Amberly!)

Did you know Chipotle has a secret menu? The next time you’re in the Mexican fast food mecca, try ordering a Quesarito. You know, if you could use a spare 1500 calories.

                                                    Bask in its cheesy, caloric glory!

Cruises can’t seem to catch a break these days, and I’m not talking about Tom’s quest for a new robot bride. Ever since that Carnival Cruise became a gigantic floating overflowing toilet last month, people are not really into vacationing by boat. Partly because of this, CityBeat now has to find a new annual team-building event because the Mark McGrath & Friends Cruise has been cancelled.

SPOILER ALERT, maybe: American Horror Story rumor time! Fans of the show have been theorizing the next season’s theme since co-creator Ryan Murphy announced there were clues about the next season throughout Asylum. Many of the actors from both previous seasons will be returning, including Jessica Lange, Evan Peters, Lily Rabe, Taissa Farmiga, Sarah Paulson and Frances Conroy. The third season’s theme, which changes with installment, still remains a mystery.

Here’s what we know: Set to premiere in October, this season will jump around time periods, but will primarily stay in the present. It will take place in a setting where “true horror has happened” (three locations, apparently). “Evil glamour” will be a theme and Murphy has said it will be a more humorous season and he hopes to include a Romeo and Juliet-like romance, similar to the relationship between Tate (Peters) and Violet (Farmiga) in Season One. After scrutinizing the last season for clues, hearing songs like “Love Potion No. 9” and “I Put a Spell on You,” my watch-group and I were hoping for a voodoo storyline taking place in the swampy south, like New Orleans. But the Internet by and large agreed the next season would be devoted to witches (not necessarily throwing out our wish — voodoo is practiced by witch doctors). And when it was announced that Kathy Bates would be joining the season (breathe, breathe, breathe), the witch theory seemed perfect. Can you imagine Bates and Lange as two badass mystic bitches?! AHS alum Dylan McDermott thinks so! According to the actor, who played Ben in the inaugural season and Johnny “Son of Bloody Face” in No. 2, the next chapter will follow the Salem Witch Trials. SQUEE!

Because everyone loves lists, Complex counts down the funniest comedies of all time, from The Three Stooges to 30 Rock.

Hey, ever wondered how many people were killed off in Quentin Tarantino movies, and how they bit the dust? Miramax got you.