It’s October 3rd. Let’s observe a moment of silence for 2005-era Lindsay Lohan.
Tina Fey (who wrote Mean Girls) will soon end another hilarious quotable
venture as 30 Rock which kicks off
its final season Thursday on NBC. We’ll see Liz and Criss on their quest to make
plant baby, Jenna prepare for her wedding and countless more priceless
moments from Kenneth, Jack, Tracy and the others. Go brush up on your Lemonology
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, another returning fall comedy, is always willing to shake things up to keep the show spontaneously funny (cut to “fat Mac”). This season the show features an all new cast!
If you want to
lose your last hope for humanity, peep the comments on Facebook. One fan
know what networks should do ... ASK the people when they are thinking of new
cast members ! people watch the show for the cast not the content for the most
“You're joking? Why is Stephanie Tanner from Full House on it?!?” complained another, clearly confusing DJ with the middle Tanner sister (amateur).
And FX better watch their numbers because some people will no longer be tuning in: “not good!!!!! writers will deeply regret new cast because there is no way on earth the original can be outdone a nd guess what? COUNT ME OUT AS VIEWER!”
In other fake television news, the Twitter du jour has to be Fake Louie Episodes (@FakeLouieEps). Highlighting the simple yet absurd storylines featured on Louis C.K.’s FX hit, Louie, the tweets feature three-sentence descriptions of episodes that could totally exist — they just haven't been written yet.
Hey, should you really be wearing that fedora? Click here to find out.
In fact, if you find yourself on the above Tumblr or notice even your closest friends hiding your incessant Facebook statuses, peep this handy flowchart to decided what to share and what to keep to yourself
culture isn’t always nipple slips and baby bumps, we lost two TV stars this
past week. Sahara Davenport (also known as Antoine Ashley) of RuPaul’s
Drag Race and Sons of Anarchy’s
Johnny Lewis, both in their twenties, flew up to the big boob tube in the sky.
It has not been reported how Davenport passed; Lewis, who played the lovable
“Half Sack” on Sons, allegedly
murdered his elderly landlord before falling to his death from his roof. Find
if you want to spend the rest of your day crouched in the fetal position in a
dark room, quietly sobbing.
Comedy Central’s nightly “news” lineup is amidst a total overhaul with the recent end of The Colbert Report and the addition of The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore. Stephen Colbert stepped down in December, and now The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart is following suit. The comedian shocked audiences at a Daily Show taping this week with the announcement that he’d be retiring from the show sometime later this year. While Colbert left to replace David Letterman as Late Show host (Letterman will step down in May; Colbert will take over in September), it’s unclear whether Stewart has another gig lined up, but it does sound like the show will continue with a new host. (The show originally featured Craig Kilborn before Stewart took over in 1996.)
Amy Schumer stars in a new Judd Apatow movie and, predictably, it looks hilarious.
Some previously unreleased Spice Girls songs hit the webz Wednesday, only to disappear from SoundCloud soon after. Could this be assign of another girl powa’ reunion?!
Speaking of leaks, House of Cards’ third season — which does not premiere until Feb. 27 — was available on Netflix for about 30 minutes yesterday. No, Frank Underwood was not pulling a Beyoncé by releasing a full season unannounced. It was a “mistake.”
A leak? More like the best House of Cards ad ever. Anyone who had momentarily forgotten about the upcoming season is now ready to binge the moment it premieres.
It’s been a great week in fashion for models who don’t look like hungry baby aliens, which is rare. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue featured two plus-size models; “World’s Oldest Supermodel,” 83-year-old Carmen Dell’Orefice appeared on the cover of New You magazine; and Jamie Brewer, who many of us know from American Horror Story, walked in a New York Fashion Week show today, becoming the first person with Down syndrome to do so. Yay beauty diversity!
And then there was The Grammys.
The night’s program kind of reminded me of the Super Bowl half-time shows of the early 2000s, where the desperate attempt to appeal to as many people as possible resulted in a mashup of lineups that simultaneously featured Nelly, Britney Spears and Aerosmith. Between Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett and Jessie J and Tom Jones, there were lots of slow songs sung by duos of old and young people, which made it very easy to watch the 603 other shows on Sunday nights (Hey, Better Call Saul!)
Sam Smith was the big winner of the night: Record of the Year, Song of the Year, Best New Artist and Best Pop Vocal Album all went to the magical songbird. Beck won Album of the Year and Best Rock Album (“Beck is still making music?” – everyone. Yes, he is. Morning Phase came out a full year ago). All those categories sound the damn same!
Of course, since Beyoncé was also nominated for Album of the Year — and a bunch of other categories she didn’t win #salty — Kanye just had to, well, Kanye Beck’s acceptance speech, and Bey and Jay Z were definitely surprised
I love Beyoncé’s subtle “No, Kanye, don’t...Someone stop him…” — which is basically the equivalent of “Somebody get a sponge!” — and Jay’s legit look of terror.
Also of course, if anyone thought Kanye was taking a jab at himself by recreating Taylorgate, he wanted to remind them of what a real asshole he is by running his mouth some more after the show. And then other people responded to Kanye’s response and now I’m writing about it. Circle of life, folks.
Sia’s “Chandelier” performance with Kristen Wiig and Maddie Ziegler totally takes the cake as my favorite performance (and you know this is a serious claim when Queen Bey is in the picture). Kristen Wiig gave a soulful choreographed performance with the Dance Moms star — who would have guessed?
Beyoncé recreated her sister’s recent wedding with her performance of “Take My Hand, Precious Lord” It was Sunday, after all. Amen!
Speaking of taking us to church, Hozier and Annie Lennox was my favorite collab of the night, performing the former’s breakout hit and “I Put a Spell on You.” Intoxicating!
Pharrell traded his Arby’s hat for an old-timey child bellhop uniform and presenting a heavy performance of “Happy”
And then it looks like Taylor Swift begged Jay Z to go to brunch with her. Awkward, especially when he finds out “brunch” is Taylor’s word for playing tea party with her cats while in pajamas. But judge for yourself.
"Brunch." "Brunch!" "BRUNCH."
See all the winners here.
Duchess Kate was hospitalized last week for Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which is pretty much a fancy way of saying “bad baby morning barfs.” My professional opinion is that her tiny 12-year-old boy body has gone into shock now that it requires more than its usual daily dose of three saltines and a grapefruit. Will and Kate’s baby is approximately the size of a pea at this point and people are already putting Kate’s nonexistent stomach under a microscope, asking absurd questions like "Could it be twins?" And, ever the bastion of journalism, US Weekly has a timeline of the duchess’ body changes over the past 10 years here. See Kate’s shape transform from fettuccine to spaghetti to spaghetti a la fetus before your eyes!
I’m rarely one to say “poor princess” and I love a good celebrity pregnancy as much as the next sad fool, but Kate's gone through more than a year of royal pressure to get knocked up, and now she is, but not even at the standard pregnancy announcement 3-month mark yet. Let up on her womb, yo!
If Kate was like us lowly commoners, she’d likely be Instagramming her tiny bump and tweeting from inside the hospital (Nuthin 2 worry bout, just tummy troubles #preggers). Call it over-sharing, but most people announce their monumental life moments on social media. So, thankfully, if you were trying to recall the major events you experienced this past year, Facebook has gone ahead and just done it for ya. Just go to your page, click See your 2012 Year in Review or go to facebook.com/yearinreview/[your Facebook url]. A slideshow of photos you’ve been tagged in rotates above a list of friends you’ve added and pages you’ve liked in the past 12 months. Scrolling further down, Facebook has generated what it believes to be the 20 “biggest moments” from your year, including status updates, photos and links. I’m assuming those who’ve posted about starting a new job, getting engaged/married, moving to a new city or having a baby — royal or otherwise — would see those types of announcements highlighted, but for losers like me that just incessantly post pointless crap, this feature is pretty damn funny.