Peter Pan Live! took over TVs last week and it wasn’t nearly as messy as last year’s live spectacle, The Sound of Music, but I’m still confused about a very feminine woman (Allison Williams) playing a boyish man — and so are the folks at SNL. More on that later.
Marnie did a fine job and Christopher Walken was, well, Christopher Walken, but Jane Krakowski’s interpretation of Peter Pan would have been truly outstanding.
Last week I wrote about the other big TV spectacular du jour, Eaten Alive on Discovery Channel. Basically, for weeks the network teased us with the promise that nature-type Paul Rosolie baited a giant anaconda into eating him alive (while wearing a special safety suit, oxygen and a camera), all for us viewers at home to watch — only he didn’t. After an hour and 45 minutes of build-up, dude tapped out after only a portion of his head inside the snake for, like three seconds. Understandable outrage spilled onto Twitter. I mean, how long until I can turn on basic cable and watch a man get killed on live television?
In Case You Missed It: Charlie Hustle is hawking Sketchers now. In this commercial (which apparently debuted a couple months ago but I just recently saw), Pete “The Relaxer” Rose touts the brand’s new comfy shoe line and pokes fun of the whole Hall of Fame ban.
Also, great cameo from his glamorous wife Kiana. I
miss seeing her on TV.
Queen Bey and King Hov hung out with their British equivalents at a Nets game this week. Prince William and Duchess Kate took a royal tour of NYC, complete with a visit to the Empire State building, some chill time with LeBron James (they even got a tiny Cavs jersey for baby George) and a quick Illuminati meet-up with the Carter Dynasty. Kate, give the people what they want, already. No, not a prime baby bump pic — a “7/11” video reenactment in Buckingham Palace!
James Franco and Nicki Minaj performed on Saturday Night Live last week. In addition to poking fun at Peter Pan Live!, highlights included a Hip Hop nativity, Nicki as Kim Kardashian and Beyoncé, a realistic Star Wars trailer and a hilariously weird skit with Mike O’Brien, "Grow-A-Guy."
And in a skit that was cut for time, hosts of a St. Louis morning show feel incredibly awkward going live after the events in Ferguson.
Sons of Anarchy is officially over and, DAYUM, the last few episodes/season/basically all of it was brutal. No spoilers, but I will definitely miss seeing Charlie Hunnam’s chiseled butt cheeks on the reg and sweet Nero, with his delicate V-neck cardigans. (Jimmy Smitts was seriously amazing in this role). If you, too, need your Hunnam fix, check out his early days on Queer as Folk or in Judd Apatow’s Freaks and Geeks follow-up, Undeclared. Baby British Jax! And congrats to Vanderpump Rules’ Jax Taylor for basically stealing the name being the new reigning Jax of television.
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: the latest film version of the beloved French short story The Little Prince; Anna Kendrick and Jeremy Jordan star in romantic musical The Last Five Years; Dwyane "Still The Rock" Johnson's natural disaster flick San Andreas.
Afternoon readers! Now that Thanksgiving is over, it's back to the normal grind, at least until Christmas. I hope everyone was able to stuff themselves with turkey and spend time with loved ones.
Let's get to Words Nobody Uses or Knows in this week's issue, which, by the way, includes a lovely piece on Ohio's historical markers.
Best word of the issue: cineastes, which appears in TT Stern-Enzi's art piece about MUBI, an innovative new film-streaming service for the "cinematic-minded."
cineastes: plural of cineaste; a film or movie enthusiast, a person involved in filmmaking (n.)
It's an obvious definition, but one I had never heard before.
In this issue: "Since signing up, I have embarked on an old-school word of mouth campaign in support of MUBI, whispering in the ears of cineastes in my inner circle, teasing them with hints about its possibilities."
Next best word is Gramaphone, capital G, found in Stacy Sim's review of Failure: A Love Story. Ancestor to the megaphone? A phone your grandma owns?
Neither. According to Wikipedia, the Gramaphone is a phonograph, the first device for recording and replaying sound (n.)
In this issue: "There are three lovely Graces (Sophia Dewald, Megan Urz, Molly Watson) who narrate rapid-fire the events of the play, a strong Ensemble (Gabby Francis, Colin Kissel, Sarah Allen Shull and Andrew Wiemann) of clocks, birds, a dog, snake and various others, plus a smooth jazz onstage band with vocals to contribute the Gramophone soundtrack."
Mathcore was the next word that caught my eye. Sounds like a really, really unpleasant type of math course. (But I find all types of math unpleasant.) It's in Sound Advice.
Mathcore: a rhythmically complex and dissonant style of metalcore. It has its roots in bands such as Converge, Coalesce, Botch and The Dillinger Escape Plan. The term mathcore is suggested by analogy with math rock. (n.)
Looking up the definition of a music genre is a bit like jumping into a rabbit hole. Each one one is derived from or related to another genre of music that I've never heard of. (If I'm being honest, most of the music genres I've learned feel like a joke.) What is math rock? What is metalcore?
It's obvious that I'm no music expert (hell, when I started to work here I thought there was, like, 10 genres tops) but I can't be the only one who has never heard of mathcore.
In this issue: "Beyond their Spinal Tappish propensity to blow up bassists, Every Time I Die has earned a solid reputation as a scorching live outfit and a stylistically diverse band that has attracted Metal fans of every conceivable sub-stripe, as well as Mathcore and Punk aficionados."
Moving on. Next on the list is commensurate, in Kathy Y. Wilson's thought-provoking piece "On Being White."
commensurate: equal in measure of size; coextensive. corresponding in extent or degree; proportionate. (adj.)
In this issue: "Four: It doesn’t take a sociologist or
statistician to know that white officers just do not shoot and kill
white kids at commensurate rates that they shoot black kids."
Not exactly an uplifting note to end our vocab lesson on, but if you want something to chew on for awhile, read Kathy's piece.
Have a good weekend, readers.
If you’ve ever been driving around the interlocking streets of the city and seen a group of hysterical people slowly pedaling a giant wagon, then you’ve been exposed to the wonderful world of the Pedal Wagon. This 15-person rolling party — powered by the pedals beneath each rider’s seat — takes groups on historic tours, pub crawls and more while also offering specials on drinks at participating bars. Here are some special tours Pedal Wagon is offering during the winter season:
Polar Bear Express
Pedal Wagon presents a wonder that would have the likes of Clark Griswold lighting up in uncontainable excitement. This seasonally decorated Wagon takes riders — who are encouraged to don their favorite holiday costumes like Santa, the Grinch or the Abominable Snowman — on a two-hour pub crawl to four of Cincinnati’s most eclectic bars, where they will enjoy seasonal drink specials.
With all the incredible culinary treasures of old and new sprinkled throughout the Queen City, who wouldn’t want to have fun balancing the calories between meals with a Pedal Wagon adventure? This three-hour tour takes riders to Kaze for an appetizer and drink, then Arnold’s for an entree and drink, and Taste of Belgium for dessert and a final drink.
Pedal to the Jungle
With football season upon us yet again and the cold creeping down from the north, standing around a parking lot with a beer sounds just plain chilly. For a more interactive adventure that might also keep you warm, Pedal Wagon offers a two-hour pub crawl that takes fans to some of the city’s best sports bars — Rhinehaus, O’Malley’s in the Alley and Jefferson Social — and drops them off just a half hour before kickoff.
Hair of the Dog
the fact that it is indeed 5 o’clock somewhere with a barhopping pedal tour.
This two-hour crawl takes riders to four great spots to grab a beer and warm
their ears, stopping at HalfCut, Knockback Nat's, Lackman and Rhinehaus.
Go here for more info and to book your ride.
Everyone’s favorite naughty bedtime story, Go the Fuck to Sleep, is getting a follow-up! You Have to Fucking Eat by Adam Mansbach is available now. And, like Samuel L. Jackson did for Sleep, Bryan Cranston narrates this new hilariously explicit offering.
Can’t you just hear Walter White reading this to baby Holly?
I’m a sucker for topical parodies of popular songs,
and Adrian Anchondo is behind a few of my favorites. He’s turned Bey's “Partition”
and “Drunk in Love” into fast food anthems and teamed up with Mean Girls’ Daniel Franzese for a twist
on Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me.” Now they’re back with a Thanksgiving remix of
T-Shfit’s “Shake It Off” — “Shake and Bake”!
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful Damien is still in the game and still too gay to function. And speaking of the boys of Mean Girls…
In Case You Missed It: Someone Photoshopped Guy
Fieri to look less like a deep-fried fire demon and more like a regular dad.
Planning on binging on food and TV this week? I gotchu.
Something else to be thankful for: a music video that’s being touted as
“the new ‘Gangnam Style’.” Because foreign Pop song + weird dance + animals =
viral sensation, here’s Chinese performer Wang Rong’s “Chick Chick.”
A film adaptation of creepy childhood favorite Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark has been in the works for a while. Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan from the Saw franchise were once attached to the project, but now they’re out and John August is taking over the screenplay, keeping the source material so many people love/fear very close. August has written several Tim Burton movies, including Big Fish, Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Frankenweenie, so he may just be perfectly suited to take on Scary Stories.
Beyoncé released a DIY video for “7/11” — one of the new tracks on her Beyoncé platinum edition release (listen to the entire album on Spotify) — and, obviously, it excites me. This will definitely be source material for countless upcoming holiday cards.
Thankfully, BuzzFeed has a guide to throwing your
own Beyoncé 7/11 underwear party.
HBO announced some more casting info for True Detective Season Two. Rachel
McAdams, Taylor Kitsch and Kelly Reilly will officially join previously
announced actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn in the highly anticipated drama.
Rachel McAdams as Ani Bezzerides, a Ventura County Sheriff’s detective whose uncompromising ethics put her at odds with others and the system she serves.
Taylor Kitsch as Paul Woodrugh, a war veteran and motorcycle officer for the California Highway Patrol, running from a difficult past and the sudden glare of a scandal that never happened.
Kelly Reilly as Jordan, Frank Semyon’s wife, a former D-list actress who is a full partner in his enterprises and ambitions.
Thanksgiving is just days away, and if you’re traveling back home to crash at your folks’ for the weekend, congratulations: You’re a Back Home Baller.
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: Richard "forever Robb Stark" Madden is Prince Charming, Helena Bonham Carter is the Fairy Godmother and Cate Blanchett is the wicked stepmother in Cinderella; Jurassic World looks as grand as it's been hyped up to be; the Bellas return for Pitch Perfect 2; and Paul Feig's Peanuts movie is coming in 2015.
Things to leave the house for all weekend. Shopping. Holiday stuff. Music. Plays. Food.
Afternoon, readers! Thanksgiving is almost here, which means an absurd amount of delicious, fattening food and stampedes of greedy consumerists who will overtake the Walmarts and Macys and the Best Buys in the days and weeks following the holiday where you're supposed to be thankful for everything you've already got.
It also means three days of work next week and an early issue. Look for it on stands Tuesday!
(As a side note, if you're like me and will do anything to avoid the hollowed-eyed throngs of shoppers in the days before and after Thanksgiving but still need to get a head start on holiday shopping, check out our gift guide. You're welcome.)
Let's get to the Words Nobody Uses or Knows in this weeks issue. Best word of the issue is loquacious, which I think sounds like salacious? Not sure. It's in Kathy Y. Wilson's editorial on Bill Cosby and his recent string of no good very bad sexual assault accusations by various women.
loquacious: very talkative; fond of talking (adj.)
In this issue: "NPR is the nexus of Cosby’s identity in America as the loquacious raconteur (reality) and the benign All-American Dad (television)."
Loquacious raconteur. I have no idea what a raconteur is either; but it sounds French, so I keep thinking loquacious raconteur with a French accent in my head.
raconteur: a person who tells stories or anecdotes in an amusing and clever way (n.)
Next word is vagaries in this week's Sound Advice.
vagaries: odd or unexpected changes in behavior or actions (n.)
In this issue: "Written and recorded in the winter months after solidifying Spencer and Pressley’s partnership (which came to include the vital input of percussionist/philosopher Ryan Clancy), Wormfood was a song cycle on the vagaries of love and the songs that detail those particular woes."
Last is hamlet, also in Sound Advice.
hamlet: a small village, or a dramatic play written by Shakespeare in the 1600s (n.)
I had no idea hamlet ever meant anything other than Shakespeare's play. CityBeat's pretentious writers have been teaching me so much!
In this issue: "Delavan is a farm country hamlet of less than 2,000 people located about halfway between Chicago and St. Louis."
Enjoy the holidays, readers.
Good afternoon readers! I've spent my day wrestling with terribly out of date software and silently cursing in my sad, grey cube. How's your day been?
If you haven't already noticed, this week marks CityBeat's 20th anniversary. (Hooray!) Our enormous anniversary paper recaps coverage of the issues Cincinnati has grappled with over the last 20 years. Plus, it has a head shot of me from 1994 wearing a purple turtle neck. Pick it up! Or, at the very least, join the staff at the anniversary party tomorrow for delicious food, drinks, and CAKE.
Moving onto the subject at hand...vocab. It was slim pickins' in this week's issue for Words Nobody Uses or Knows. Either that or my knowledge of pretentious words is actually expanding. (Doubt it.)
Best word of the issue is vitriolic, found in our anniversary issue; in the hilarious bit about Mike Breen pissing off all of Cincinnati's Jimmy Buffet fans. (You can read the digital version of our anniversary issue here.)
vitriolic: extremely biting or caustic; sharp and bitter: vitriolic talk (adj.)
In this issue: "This resulted in hundreds of hate emails from Buffett fans from across the country, most of which were nastily vitriolic, some even violently so (one writer said he hoped Breen's children were raped by drug dealers in Over-the-Rhine and given AIDS), a far cry from those smooth tropical vibes Buffit emits from stage."
People are the worst, aren't they?
Next best word is ethnomusicologist, which sounds like the best made up job ever. It's in this weeks Sound Advice.
ethnomusicology: the study of folk or native music, esp. of non-Western cultures, and its relationship to the society to which it belongs (n.)
Imagine introducing yourself to people with that title, and the reactions you'd get. People would be simultaneously confused, amazed and envious.
In this issue: "Huun Huur Tu got the attention of the West when American ethnomusicologist Ted Levin made the trek to Central Asia in the 1980s and brought the group to the U.S"
Next word is missive, also found in our anniversary issue. I feel like most people probably already know this one. It's in the other hilarious bit about that time everybody thought CityBeat was full of sexual deviants for selling adult-themed ads.
missive: a letter or written message (n.)
In this issue: "The missive called on CityBeat to exercise 'integrity as a corporate citizen' and asked that we 'eliminate the adult services category, and refuse to accept ads elsewhere for sexual services, in both your print and online editions.'"
If there's anything I've learned about the altweekly business in the three months I've worked here, it's that if you're being sued, you're doing something right.
Survivor-type Bear Grylls may drink his own pee and propose to his wife with an ass diamond, but naturalist filmmaker Paul Rosolie is upping the ante in the weird wilderness game by allowing himself to be “eaten alive” — for real, apparently — by an anaconda on TV.
Judging by the trailer, viewers will witness Rosolie and his crew travel to the Amazon, hunt down an anaconda, suit up in a custom death-proof ensemble, douse himself with pig blood and wait for said anaconda to get hungry. The Eaten Alive special airs on Discovery on Sunday, Dec. 7 as part of something called “Mega Week.” Apparently both Rosolie and the anaconda survived the incident, which was filmed in advance. Cue the music!
In other “Oh my god, Becky” news, Kim Kardashian’s greasy butt on the cover of Paper magazine has everyone all in a tizzy. I think we should be offended by the headline/goal of the spread to “Break the Internet,” because haven’t we all seen Kim’s dump truck plenty of times before? More noteworthy is the fact that she’s popping out of a trash bag, which is actually quite fitting.
Look at these cute illustrations of movies with one letter removed from the title. And yes, I would totally see a Ron Swanson superhero movie called Ron Man.
Some of your favorite lady-shows are coming back in January!
Girls returns Jan. 11:
Broad City is back Jan. 14:
Your BFF Jennifer Lawrence will never get a Twitter, and it’s all because
you pervs who looked at her hacked pics she’s “not very good on phone or
TIL Jennifer Lawrence is all of our moms.
Entertainment Weekly’s annual reunion issue is on stands now, which means apparently it’s already time to reminisce about Mean Girls and Napoleon Dynamite.
Fox News’ Megyn Kelly accidentally cursed on air when introducing Mike Huckabee this week. She said Fuckabee.
Watch these 1980s aerobic workout stars get down to Taylor Swift earworm “Shake It Off”
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: Neill Blomkamp (District 9, Elysium) teams up with the incomparable Sharlto Copley again with Chappie, about a robot raised by a group of humans (Dev Patel, Yolandi and Ninja of Die Antwoord), proving once again that Copley is the go-to actor to play robot men; World War I drama Testament of Youth, starring Kit Harington (aka a beardless Jon Snow) and Hayley Atwell; and a fucking Minions movie.