Word on the internets suggests that our sports team-supporting mayor is going to publicly recognize the UC Bearcat football team outside City Hall today. From his botched opening day pitch (which was so hilariously poor that it landed him on national talk shows) to his recent vote of confidence in the Cincinnati Bengals, Mayor Mallory is way out of it when it comes to sports.
The Bengals will be on national TV tonight taking on their big brother the Pittsburgh Steelers, and they’ll be without Chad Ocho Cinco because he done broke a team rule. What kind of rules to the Bengals have anyway? No winning? HAHAHA.
It happened again. This time it didn’t include cat chasing or yelling in the streets at 3 a.m., but Brian Kelly’s outrageous head coaching decisions yesterday threatened to ruin a perfectly good Friday night, just like they did last Saturday.
Athletes and coaches consistently fill reporters’ notebooks with clichés and figures of speech, politicized and politically correct jargon that means nothing except that he or she respects the fans, the game and the opponent.
There are also players and coaches who consistently run their mouths, firing off arguments and declarations that distract their teammates and make them look like jackasses.
But for every hundred athletes too nervous to show their personal side or too conservative to speak out on controversial subjects or too stupid to shut up once in a while, there are players and coaches who are freaking hilarious and make athletes seem like real people instead of cliché robots and jocks.
I spent part of Saturday night lying in my front yard, refusing to come inside the apartment until I found a cat to chase. I was supposed to spend the evening celebrating a big important Bearcat football win, but because of ill-advised strategy and an impressive comeback by West Virginia, my celebratory evening turned into a terrified binge.
In yet another episode of "I'm a Real Person and McCain Is a Phony," Barack Obama yesterday told ESPN's Chris Berman that if he could change one thing about sports that it would be to eliminate the current college football championship format in favor of an eight-team playoff.
The exchange was a pre-taped segment that aired during halftime of Monday Night Football. McCain was asked the same question, and his response was that he would do everything he can to eliminate performance enhancing drugs because they threaten the integrity of the game. What an asshole.
Mayor Mark Mallory says there is no room for debate over whether or not Cincinnatians should keep supporting the Bengals. He's going to hang out before Sunday's game against Pittsburgh and grill food and act like he's one of us. The concept got Mr. Mayor laughed at by reporters at his weekly news conference yesterday. And what's worse, it wasn't even sports reporters who were laughing at him — it was the regular city dork reporters!
It's pretty bad when a team is 0-6 and its fans are again selling their tickets for below market value like it's 2001 and Akili Smith is the starting quarterback. The Bengals' brief brush with respectability is long gone now, as evidenced by the very small amount of football knowledge one must have in order to make the following positive assumption: The Bengals fucking suck.
It's really quite hilarious how badly the organization has messed up an opportunity to draft quality linemen around their talented skill players who led the team to its only playoff appearance in the last 15 years. But this is a discussion (or a joke) for another day. Why should we even bother?
That's why it's nice for Mayor Mallory to step in and give us something else to laugh about. On Sunday Paul Brown Stadium will be at lest half-filled with Pittsburgh fans, and it's because their organization, team and city is better than ours. Mallory showing up to tailgate is just another embarrassing footnote in the story of Cincinnati sports history.
I'm sorry to do it, but I must quote a good friend whose self-hate reached an all-time high after the Bengals missed numerous kicks that would have sent them to the playoffs during the final week of 2006: "We're all just a bunch of fucking losers."
Good work Mallory. Now you're included.