If imitation really is the greatest form of flattery, WCPO's John Matarese should feel truly honored. Someone has created a parody Twitter account, @John_Mattress, devoted to Mr. Don't Waste Your Money. Like the real Matarese, fake John offers penny-pinching tips, like this helpful idea:
Who runs the account and why it only has 7 followers remains a mystery. The account's first post is dated Aug. 27, but we just discovered the page when "John" recently tweeted @CityBeatCincy.
Follow @John_Mattress for real Matarese retweets, money saving pointers and video game musings. Seriously, one of the funniest parody accounts we've seen in a while. Here are a few of our favorites:
Are you @John_Mattress? Know who is? Please email any details to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Morning, readers. I haven't had my coffee yet so ... let's skip the intro and jump right into the list of "Words Nobody Uses or Knows" found in this weeks issue.
Best word of this issue is gustatory, found in Rick Pender's warm review of I Loved, I Lost, I made Spaghetti, the current one-woman show at the Playhouse.
gustatory: of or having to do with tasting or the sense of taste (adj.)
In this issue: "Cooking is the thread that runs through her
story, and while she recounts her gustatory encounters — portraying
Giulia’s lovers vividly using her physical and vocal talents — LaVecchia
simultaneously prepares and serves a meal of antipasti, salad and
spaghetti Bolognese (with fresh pasta she’s made as she talks) to four
couples, seated right in front of her kitchen counter." Sounds delightful. I'd attend this gustatory show with gusto. (See what I do there?)
Next best word is demarcate, found in Garin Pirnia's review of Fireside Pizza, a food truck-turned-brick and-mortar restaurant. (Another pizza place in Cincinnati!? Great! There aren't enough of those!)
demarcate: to set or mark the limits; delimit; to mark the difference between, distinguish (v.)
In this issue: "After making a selection and ordering at the bar, guests receive a record sleeve to demarcate their table."
beleaguered: beset by trouble or difficulty (adj.) We have a beleaguered office building. Like, really beleaguered. In the span of just a week and a half our elevator broke, bits of ceiling fell to the floor, a fluorescent light fixture fell (and is now hanging haphazardly form the ceiling) and the heat, well, it's on and off.
But you know. We here at CityBeat like to live on the edge. Heat?! That's for LOSERS.
Another one that caught my eye is ectrodactyly, which I think is a great-sounding word (I'm not even sure I can pronounce it) with a not-so-great meaning. It's in Jac Kern's weekly TV roundup.
ectrodactyly: the deficiency or absence of one or more central digits of the hand or foot (n.)
In this issue: "Evan Peters as a man with ectrodactyly (giving him lobster
Andy Dalton truly is a personified pumpkin spice latte, isn’t he?
Real Housewives of New Jersey stars Teresa and Joe Giudice last week both plead guilty to multiple counts of fraud and were sentenced to 15 months and 41 months in federal prison, respectively. Teresa will serve her sentence first beginning in January 2015. Joe faces deportation to his native Italy following his jail time. The two sat down with Andy Cohen for an exclusive interview that aired Monday on Bravo. The network reportedly paid big bucks for the one-on-one — according to some sources, enough to cover their restitution — but Bravo denied the claims. A hefty paycheck would explain some of the tough, pressing questions Cohen was able to get away with. (At one point as we were watching Part One, my boyfriend hushed me — “I’m trying to hear this,” he said — which has certainly never happened during a Bravo program. Ever.) Part Two of the interview airs Thursday at 9 p.m.
The Giudices serve as a reminder not to commit bank fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, bankruptcy fraud or lie on loan applications or forget to pay your taxes. And if you do, try not to throw lavish parties in your tacky suburban castle on national television. On the upside, they did just provide me with an excellent pop-culturally relevant Halloween costume idea. Thanks, Tre!
Related: Fellow New Jerseyan and tanning enthusiast Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has also recently been charged with tax fraud conspiracy. Way to make the Garden State proud.
Lil Jon, “Lil Lena” Dunham, Fred Armisen, children of famous folks and other celebs teamed up for an epic Rock the Vote video:
Because we just can’t let that terrible club anthem died quietly, can we?
Some of the scariest shows of the season start up this week, with American Horror Story: Freak Show debuting tonight on FX and The Walking Dead’s fifth season premiere Sunday on AMC. Read more about these shows and others to watch in this week’s TV column.
We already know a TWD spinoff/companion series is in the works, though few details have been revealed, and now we’re learning American Horror Story will get a related offshoot. I know what you’re thinking: each season basically is a spinoff of the AHS franchise. But this is a little different. Ryan Murphy will direct a new series based on the same anthology format and American setting for American Crime Story. Each season (presuming its success matches that of AHS) will follow a different true American crime, beginning with one of the most followed court cases of all time: The O.J. Simpson trial. American Crime Story: The People Vs. O.J. Simpson has already been ordered as a 10-episode series for FX. Read more here.
Portlandia’s feminist bookstore sketch may be a hilarious
fiction, but it’s filmed in real Portland bookshop In Other Words. The IRL
Women and Women First is at risk of closing and it needs your help!
Alfonso Ribeiro of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is on Dancing with the Stars so of course he did “The Carlton”:
Good morning readers! I can hardly believe it's October. This week's issue of CityBeat is full of wonderful, esoteric words. (It also has the information you need to enjoy FotoFocus 2014, the month-long celebration of photography and lens-based art throughout Greater Cincinnati. Pick one up!)
Best word in this week's issue: besmirched, in Kathy Y. Wilson's "The Semantics of Weed" (This is probably the only article anywhere in which the words "ISIS air strike" and "weed" are used in the same sentence).
besmirched: To besmirch is to dirty or spoil something or to damage someone's reputation (v.)
In this issue: "Winburn drops Thomas’ name like an ISIS air strike, incessantly blaming Thomas for the original 2006 weed ordinance that besmirched the records of weed offenders charged with minor misdemeanors who now have problems securing jobs, housing, etc."
Or, as Carrie Nation (a radical member of the 19th century temperance movement) once said:
“Men are nicotine-soaked,
beer-besmirched, whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils.”
Next best word: titular, in the preview of the movie Annabelle.
tiltular: of, or having the nature of, a title; titled (adj.) Not to be confused with the word titillating, which has a much different meaning, but try saying titillating titular three times fast.
In this issue: "In a world filled with sequels, prequels and spin-offs developed off the flimsiest of premises, Annabelle arrives with solidly built awareness thanks to the presence of the titular doll in last year’s horror release The Conjuring from James Wan (Saw)"
Panoply: beautiful and striking set up, magnificent decor or clothing, or a protective covering. (n.)
In this issue: It actually appears in the headline "Bind Dancers Present a Panoply of Authentic Indian Dance", a piece by Katy Valin on Articulate Ability.
And lastly, moniker, in Mike Breen's Spill It. I guessed that moniker meant monkeys, or had something to do with monkeys, or maybe money, but no.
moniker: a name or nickname.
In this issue: "Despite moving from the state park and changing the moniker, the fest will continue to spotlight some of the region’s finest Bluegrass and Roots music practitioners."
In what can only be described as an offering to the Internet gods, Drake got an emoji tattoo.
Still no confirmation on whether that emoji is high-fiving hands or praying hands illuminated by Jesus’ power.
Smart girls gained an epic win over bimbos this weekend as George “Forever Bachelor” Clooney married lawyer/activist/author Amal Alamuddin. Cocktail waitresses across the globe mourn as they realize it wasn’t him, it was them.
American Horror Story: Freak Show premieres in a week and we finally have a look at some actual show footage. This short preview packs in a lot — look out for Pepper (Naomi Grossman), the only AHS character to cross over into multiple seasons (you may remember her from Asylum — Freak Show takes place in 1952, about 12 years before the events of Asylum); Sarah Paulson playing conjoined twins Bette and Dot; Kathy Bates as a bearded lady; Angela Bassett as triple-tittied woman (sit down, Jasmine); Evan Peters as a man with ectrodactyly (giving him claw-like hands); smallest living woman Jyoti Amge; John Carroll Lynch’s terrifying clown; and, of course, Jessica Lange in her final AHS performance as the striking German ringleader of it all.
ICYMI: Rhinegeist’s Bryant Goulding is featured in GQ’s “The 50 Best Craft Beers Every Man Must Try.” Goulding serves as an expert with tips on the best “stein filling quenchers,” suggesting Sierra Nevada Summerfest, Weihenstephaner Pilsner, Three Floyds Gumballhead, Double Mountain Vaporizer and Moonlight Reality Czeck Pilsner for when you really want to get yo drink on.
The Magic Mike sequel will be air-humping its way into theaters next summer — without director Steven Soderbergh or Matthew McConaughey. Magic Mike XXL will be helmed by Gregory Jacobs (who co-produced the original); Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello, Kevin Nash, Adam Rodriguez and Gabriel Iglesias are all set to reprise their roles. Newcomers this time around include a very curious mix of actors: Elizabeth Banks, Donald Glover, Amber Heard, Jada Pinkett Smith, Andie MacDowell and Michael Strahan. The official synopsis, found here, is equally confusing. Didn’t the dudes move to Miami at the end? Didn’t Channing Tatum quit stripping for his dead-faced nurse friend?
Am I the only one who wishes SNL’s weird ‘90s sitcom sketch was a real show? By far one of the funniest moments of Saturday’s season premiere.
Apparently this isn’t the first skit of its kind with Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett — check out this very sexually tense episode with Andrew Garfield, which was cut from his episode last May. From the stiff acting and awkward delivery to the constant laugh tracks, applause and “ooohs,” this bit nails that weird, satirical, almost Tim & Eric-esque humor that’s so popular right now. Hopefully we’ll see it again later in the season.
No movie trailers this week, but know that Zombieland 2, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and Taken 3 are all happening so we can probably just give up on movies for now.
Human grumpy cat Aubrey Plaza will provide the voice for actual Grumpy Cat (real name: Tardar Sauce) in a Lifetime Christmas special! Who knew people still cared about Grumpy Cat? Moreover, who knew Lifetime made intentionally funny programs?
John Malkovich has portrayed a plethora of characters over the years and now he’s taken on the stars of famous photographs in some cool recreated shots by Sandro Miller:
See them all here.
As “fannibals” of the artfully demented Bryan Fuller spectacle await the next course of NBC’s Hannibal, we get a taste of what’s to come. Whereas the first season focused on French cuisine, pulling episode titles from traditional French courses, and the second did the same with Japanese fare, it appears Season Three will be Italian, judging by Fuller’s tweet of the first episode’s script, titled “Antipasto.” We last saw Hannibal (in one of the most insane episodes of any show ever) on a plane to France — perhaps this season finds him in Italy? With the possibility that nearly every character on the show is dead, maybe this season will totally flip the script and just become the creepiest cooking show of all time. I can see it now: “Today on Eating Hannibal, we have a special guest joining Chef Lecter. Please welcome Bobby Flay! Well, parts of Bobby Flay…”
If you like miniature things, animal videos and eating, you are one of billions of people who use the Internet. Also, you may be familiar with the tiny hamster that eats tiny versions of human treats, like in this video, where he enjoys an authentic Mexican feast of tiny burritos.
Well, Tiny Hamster is back, this time taking on competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi:
You may also be familiar with Jasmine Tridevil.
In a shocking turn of events, it seems that Total Recall prostitute
wannabe claiming to have a third breast added to her body is a FRAUD. Doctors
agree the surgery would be nearly impossible to pull off and my eyeballs agree
that the shit looks fake. Drag queens have been using prosthetic breast plates
Jasmine clearly will go to any lengths to get a TV show — besides actually
getting a third boob, I guess. And she appears to have a past of creating stunts
for media attention. Ya been Snopes’d, girl!
And speaking of Total Recall, the star of the movie’s 2012 remake Colin Farrell has been confirmed as one of the many speculated-about leads for the second season of HBO's True Detective. Vince Vaughn was also confirmed as another star in an HBO press release yesterday. Farrell will play Ray Velcoro, "a compromised detective whose allegiances are torn between his masters in a corrupt police department and the mobster who owns him,” according to the release. Vaughn will portray Frank Semyon, “a career criminal in danger of losing his empire when his move into legitimate enterprise is upended by the murder of a business partner.” Both actors had been rumored to star in the show for a while now, so if they’re confirmed we can probably expect Taylor Kitsch to formally come aboard soon. The show will also feature a female lead, after getting some kickback for the lack of leading ladies in Season One. Mad Men’s Elizabeth Moss and Michelle Forbes (aka Maryanne the maenad from True Blood) are two possibilities from the rumor mill — they’re also listed on the show’s IMDB page, along with Kitsch, but that’s not offish — and supposedly Rosario Dawson, Jessica Biel, Abigail Spencer, Malin Akerman, Oona Chaplin, Jaimie Alexander and Brit Marling have all read for a part. Fast & Furious director Justin Lin will direct the first two episodes, which should make us all nervous. Awesome director of Season One Cary Joji Fukunaga won an Emmy for his work; this season will feature several different directors.
Kirsten Dunst stars in a lovely “short film” that actually more of a PSA about how not to be a weird dick to celebrities and other humans in general.
Love this but seriously, do celebrities really use Uber?
Hey, readers. We’ve got some catching up to do.
As CityBeat’s new Web & Copy Editor, I’ll be taking over our weekly vocab blog, in which I’ll point out, define (and sometimes snicker at) the high-minded choice of words by some of our writers. These are obtuse words, or at least words that aren’t used in everyday language, like seraphic or anthemic. (Full disclosure: I have a master’s degree and I still reach for the dictionary at least once or twice a day.)
My goal is to define so you don’t have to, and to (hopefully) enhance your mental catalog of impressive and/or strange-sounding words.
Here’s the list this week:
Seraphic: of, like, or befitting a seraph (adj.) OK, great, what the hell is a seraph? A seraph, according to dictionary.com, is “a member of the highest order to angels, often represented as a child’s head with wings above, below, and on each side.” (n.) Thus, we can deduce seraphic means angelic, heavenly or cherubic.
In the issue: Actually, seraphic appears in the band lineup of our MPMF guide here. Garin Pirnia says we’ll like the MPMF band Mutual Benefit (who?) if we like “ ‘Post-lunar Buddha turds,’ seraphic glockenspiel music mixed with unpredictable soundscapes, cats chasing butterflies.” (Another disclosure: I don’t know any of the bands kids these days are listening to, nor do I have any idea what Buddha turds are.)
Anthemic: pertaining to music that has the qualities of an anthem, such as a serious tone and strong tune; also, regarded as an anthem (adj.) This seemed obvious after I read it. STILL, Microsoft Word doesn’t recognize anthemic as a real word.
In the issue: “Extracted from a dream, Holiday fashions an anthemic fistpumper that nods to Muse, Bruce Springsteen, and U2…” in Brian Baker's review of Caged Heat. Does the name Caged Heat conjure up unpleasant images for anybody else?
Arcane: known or understood by very few; mysterious; secret (adj.)
In this issue: “Tonya Beckman brings up a studied
tongue-in-cheek, choreographed delivery to the role of “Club Secretary,”
the sexy-tuxedoed character who guides club members through their
arcane selection process,” in Rick Pender’s latest Curtain Call column.
Last week was Mercedes Benz Fashion Week in New York, the time of year when style trends are set, when fashion gods are carried from runway to runway, when Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen emerge from their tiny troll lair to present a new collection of looks for their line, The Row. Here are the sisters trying to convince us they’re human before the show. I dare you to only watch once.
I like to think they’re communicating using a sort of Morse code-esque troll twin hand gestures beneath that scarf.
Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes welcomed their baby girl into the world on Friday. In case you need to check yourself: There’s a days-old human out there with better genes, a bigger bank account, cooler parents and a nicer home that is already more famous than you’ll ever be. Seriously, though, I hope they have a dozen body guards watching that baby at all times. Between all the Hey Girls and The Notebook fans out there still praying for the reunion of Ryan and Rachel and anyone wanting to use Mendes-Gosling DNA for a voodoo-like beauty regime (guilty as charged), someone is bound to try to steal that baby.
When Fox 19 reality series Queen City ended, we were left with a void of shows featuring mildly interesting locals interacting with each other in staged scenarios. Thankfully, Dayton CW has given us The Valley. The show stars six Miami Valley-area high school grads during the summer before they head off to college. Cameras follow the group as they hang out at area attractions, meet “mentors” and explore personal issues — all while providing superfluous commentary after the fact. Think Real Housewives without the Botox or budget. Yes, it’s bad. Sadly, not even bad in a good way.
If I wanted to see awkward kids mingle in forced situations, I’d watch teens on the Levee explore the confusing world of “group hangs.” And if I did that, I’d be a fucking weirdo. I’m not throwing shade at the kids involved — I shudder to think what 18-year-old me would do on a local reality show. But who is the audience for a show like this? Find out for yourself and watch the first episode here.
Miss New York Kira Kazantsev may have won the Miss America crown this Sunday, but Miss Ohio MacKenzie Bart stole the show with her talent: ventriloquism.
Roxy was robbed.
Saturday Night Live returns for its 40th season next Saturday, Sept. 27 and, as usual, there will be some casting changes. Last year’s newbies John Milhiser, Noël Wells and Brooks Wheelan were let go; Mike O’Brien will leave the stage and return to the writers room. SNL’s resident Kim Kardashian (also a lot of other great characters) Nasim Pedrad departed to star in the upcoming Fox comedy Mulaney. Colin Jost, who took over Weekend Update with Cecily Strong when Seth Meyers left, will return to the desk without Strong (though she’s still a cast member). SNL writer and Daily Show correspondent Michael Che will replace her as co-anchor. Finally — hope you’re ready to feel old — the show will bring on its first player born in the ‘90s as 20-year-old comic Pete Davidson joins the cast. Chris Pratt hosts the season opener next week with music guest Ariana “Not A Baby” Grande.
Nasim Pedrad may have taken her talents elsewhere, but we can still enjoy her work in this unaired skit where she plays —to perfection — Aziz Ansari.
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: After plenty of teases, the first full-length preview of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay is out; Serena —the 35th film starring Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper — places the stars in 1920s North Carolina; John Wick stars Keanu Reeves as a former hit-man thrown back into the game.
IJCGE is finally back after a hiatus to work on other piling projects — including this week’s cover story on the locally filmed reality show Rowhouse Showdown. Check it out here! And yes, even my serious projects and cover stories require Facebook stalking and marathon TV-watching. Deal with it.
So what’s happened in the last few weeks? Everybody is married now, so we missed that. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie; Ashlee Simpson and Evan “Diana Ross’ Son” Ross; Donnie "Not Mark" Wahlburg and Jenny McCarthy; Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade (clearly getting more yawn-worthy as we go down the list) — even Vincent Kartheiser and Alexis Bledel, aka Pete Campbell and Rory Gilmore, tied the knot — the most important couple of them all. Congrats! Everyone else: you don’t matter.
Recently the Lifetime
network had a meeting where they brainstormed which piece of 1990s nostalgia
they should desecrate on air. They couldn’t decide between Saved By the Bell and Clueless,
so they just decided to do two TV movies in one week: The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story on Labor Day and The Brittany Murphy Story this Saturday.
Lifetime’s SBTB flick promised lots
of juicy dramatization — it’s based on Dustin Diamond's 2009 book Behind the Bell. But juicy it was not,
and the entire thing was narrated by Screech
of all people (who, according to this depiction, liked to drink vodka during karate lessons)!
Probably not as terrible as a Brittany Murphy movie, though. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some B-Murph. Uptown Girls is one of my favorite movies. Her voice acting for King of the Hill’s Luanne was flawless. And, obviously, her character Tai from Clueless is a voice of the generation. But the poor woman died nearly five years ago, can’t we let her rest in piece and respect her family? Oh, we can’t?
Yes, that’s a somber-girly version of the Night at the Roxbury song. Lifetime has two more forever-too-soon biopics in the works: one on Aaliyah and another on Whitney Houston.
Guy Fieri and his Flavortown mobile stopped in Cincinnati in July to film his Food Network show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. It was revealed last week that an entire episode will be devoted to restaurants in Over-the-Rhine. Typically, the show features a few different restaurants in three different cities. In “One Street Wonders,” airing Oct. 10, Fieri visits Taste of Belgium, Senate and Bakersfield. His visit to Northside’s Melt will air Sept. 12; his stop at Island Frydays in Corryville airs Sept. 26. Here’s a sneak preview of the episode:
Fall is just around the corner (if that’s what you want to call that 10-day period between the excruciating sauna of summer and frozen hell of winter), which means two things: people are less judgmental about the choice to remain mostly indoors and lots of TV shows are coming back. A match made in heaven!
This week brings the premieres of the final seasons of Boardwalk Empire (Sunday) and Sons of Anarchy (Tuesday). Go here for a full fall TV preview.
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: You’re Not You stars Emmy Rossum as an inexperienced but determined caregiver to Hilary Swank’s character, a woman diagnosed with ALS; Jon Stewart’s directorial debut Rosewater follows a journalist (Gael García Bernal) detained and interrogated in Iran.