Throughout history, people have often said they can remember many details about where they were when they heard monumental news: the moon landing or JFK’s assassination, for example. So it is likely we’ll recount to our children and grandchildren what we were doing when we learned of the most recent Great American Tragedy: The Solange-Beyoncé-Jay Z Feud of 2014.
Just weeks ago, sisters Beyoncé and Solange Knowles were playfully performing onstage together at Coachella. Now, Solange has all but erased her sibling from her life (well, from her Instagram, at least).
The fallout comes after the release of an elevator surveillance video from the Met Gala after-party in which (supposedly) Solange Knowles (apparently) attacked (a man who might be) Jay-Z as Beyoncé (reportedly) stood by. Check out the video here.
This shit is a goldmine for
gossip rags every media entity, so rumors, anonymous reports and vague
speculations are coming out of the woodwork regarding all three recording
artists. Some say Solange was just being a drunk mess and flipped when Jay told
her to chill out; others report Solange has concerns about Jay’s fidelity and
Beyoncé has become his robot bride; it’s also being speculated that the stunt
is just a piece of performance art arranged by James Franco.
At the end of the day, we can all hope the trio will work things out, because they are a fambily. And speaking of, shout out to my friend Miranda who brought it to my attention that the sisters sang the theme song for the early-2000s Disney animated series, Proud Family. Never forget.
Now, cue the “Drunk in an Elevator” spoofs.
Usually when your grandma discovers social media, it can be an embarrassing disaster. Not if your grandma is a badass bitch, though. Enter Baddie Winkle.
With a Twitter and Instagram tagline that reads, “stealing your man since 1928,” Baddie lives up to her name by posting pictures of her babely outfits, words of wisdom and videos of her twerk game. BuzzFeed calls her “the most hardcore grandma on the Internet.” And she’s a local! Baddie hails from Williamstown, Ky., just a few miles south of Cincinnati on I-75. Represent, Baddie!
Macaulay Culkin was trending this week when his pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band, Pizza Underground (yes, yes, a million times yes) tweeted an epic photo of Culkin. Kevin McAllister himself is seen wearing a T-shirt with a photo Ryan Gosling…wearing a T-shirt with a photo of Macaulay. Meta, for sure, but not to be missed in the photo is the awesome Pizza Underground coffee mug. I’ll take one of each, please.
BREAKING: Add another layer to this meta-ception.
(Totally ‘shopped, but I don’t care)
Like it or not, Ben Affleck
is the new Bruce Wayne in the upcoming (and still untitled) Batman vs. Superman movie. Check out the first look at the
actor in character with the new and improved bat suit and Batmobile here.
Plenty of great authors have odd writing process quirks, and A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones creator George R.R. Martin discussed one of his writing secrets on Conan this week. When asked if he was ever worried about a computer crash or virus deleting any of his lengthy works-in-progress, the writer revealed he uses WordStar 4.0 on a DOS — essentially a dinosaur of a word processor on an ancient computer not connected to the Internet. Because when you’re writing fantasy work about the Middle Ages, you get into character as much as possible.
Game of Thrones is in the final four episodes of the season, but we’re in for a bevy of new and returning shows this summer. Check out this week’s TV column for a summer show preview. We’re really looking forward to HBO’s The Leftovers and Cinemax’s The Knick, to name a few.
I’m a huge fan of locally-produced commercials-gone-viral. Cincinnati’s Fick Chiropractic Centers current ad might not be up there with Jamie Casino, but it does feature a killer beat that deserves some attention.
Is anyone else just tickled by the concept of a local doctor employing a beatmaker for a commercial? It totally caught me off guard while watching Fox 19 Morning News (aka the Jacki Jing Variety Hour — bitch has more devoted fans than Lady Gaga, just peep their posts on her Facebook page. Locals — including my boyfriend — are totally enamored by her beautiful glamour shots, bubbly attitude and penchant for cosplay. How are the rest of us supposed to compete, Jacki?!).
Are you sick of Beyoncé yet? Trick question: If you answered “Yes,” please get out of here immediately. NO ONE is sick of Beyoncé ever, in fact, parody videos and choreographed routines to her songs are still pouring out of the woodwork four months after the release of her self-titled album. The latest tribute of note comes from self-proclaimed “star on the rise” Chanel Carroll, who’s serving up student loan realness in her take on “Partition” called “Tuition.” ‘Cause we all just want live that debt-free life.
Everything about this is flawless, from her JLo-circa-2000 vibe to the clip art to the cameo by Ashley from Sallie Mae. I would crown her as winner of the Internet for the week, but she shares the title with this dude who’s been reviewing fast food and other grub from his car since 2012. Check out one of Daym Drops’ most popular videos, featuring Five Guys Burgers and Fries.
I want this guy to narrate my life or at least read my eulogy because dude describes a plain drive-thru burger with the eloquence of a poetic preacher. And of course there’s a musical remix. OH MY DAYUM!
Avril Lavigne continues her assault on our earholes with the confusing, excruciating “Hello Kitty.” The Canadian singer responsible for 80 percent of ties bought by young women in 2002 apparently has a massive Asian following, but the Japanime-style video is more of a cringe-worthy misstep than cultural tribute. Hey white pop stars, stop using Asian women (or any women for that matter) as props!
Lily Allen, another 2000s pop relic, is also coming out with new music and a record that automatically gets my support by taking a dig at Kanye West. Sheezus drops next month; the album’s titular new single is a total lady anthem with praise for the Lorde and rhymes about…periods. Whatever, I’m digging it.
This week in movie remake fuckery: A Mrs. Doubtfire sequel is in the works, because nothing from your childhood is sacred! Mara Wilson, who starred as the youngest child in the film (as well as Matilda in the ‘90s Roald Dahl film adaptation) revealed on social media that she wouldn’t be a part of it, as she’s been out of the acting game for several years — which, according to over-each headlines, translated into Wilson “slamming” the sequel, making the private former child actor a trending topic. While we may never see a grown-up Natalie Hillard or Matilda 2 (thank sheezus), you can enjoy Wilson’s musings on her blog. And just because: Mrs. Doubtfire as a horror film.
Also, Goonies 2 is also officially a go. Thanks, Spielberg.
Hey, that’s not Pit Bull, it’s Amy Poehler!
Orange Is The New Black is back on Netflix for a second season June 6 and the new trailer is here. The whole gang’s back, with a few additions, but the lingering question remains: Where is Pennsatucky?!
It was recently reported that Laura Prepon signed on for Season Three as rumors circulate about her being the future ex-wife of Tom Cruise. This is what I like to call Scientology Sads: When you think you like someone — a famous person, obviously, because the group might as well be called Celebentology — but it turns out they’re a Scientologist. Such a shame.
Alfred Hitchcock made Psycho infamous by killing off the main character 30 minutes into the movie. Audiences were shocked — some even walked out of the theater. This had never been done before. Viewers had already invested 30 minutes into Janet Leigh. But her character’s death — as shocking as it was — created an essential space for Norman Bates to emerge and develop. The movie took a twist for the unexpected, and Norman Bates remains one of the most fundamental characters in the history of film.
It took me awhile to get into House of Cards. The series seems to pick up more steam the longer you watch. Kevin Spacey makes me uncomfortable (for good reason). I wasn’t hooked right away. Like Heisenberg in Breaking Bad, we are captivated by the villains — the evil doers. Frank and Claire Underwood are the political equivalent to Bonnie and Clyde. The audience is part of a first-person psychopathic journey through a politician’s road to world domination, and we’re frozen on the edge of our seats.
The turning point for many was the first episode of the second season, “Chapter 14.” Here we are, fully engaged with these characters, rooting for the journalists (I was rooting for the journalists) and waiting to see what amazing one-liners this series would come up with next. And then Zoe died. I had to re-watch the subway scene twice before I believed it was real. It was quick and dirty (just like Frank), an ingenious move on creator Beau Willimon’s part.
It’s the kind of moment where you think about criminal intent and defendants blaming their murders on “insanity.” Frank Underwood is an insane character with direct criminal intent. He didn’t get angry and frustrated and regret his decision. He saw an opportunity to get rid of a pesky journalist, so he took it. We all knew Frank was capable of stepping on anyone (Peter Russo) who was in his way. But this…this was different. This was a character that he had an established sexual and professional relationship with. And he killed her in two seconds. (It was so acrobatic and ninja-like.) That was the turning point for me, the point where I was hooked. Zoe’s death was a classic Hitchcockian move, only viewers had already invested an entire season into her.
The reason why Zoe’s death was so shocking to viewers is because we don’t believe our government officials to be capable of throwing journalists in front of trains when they are getting uncomfortably close to the truth. (9/11 truthers will disagree). In reality, dictatorships and corrupt regimes all over the world have the power to kill and do so regularly. Especially journalists. I find it so interesting that we are fascinated by a concept of unethical government and abuse of power when there is so much damn truth to it. We are romanticizing tyranny. We are making crooked governments into a drama series and it’s enticing and addicting because that’s not how we think we live. It’s dramatic to imagine Congress as a group of blood-thirsty criminals. Things like that “just don’t happen” in this country — so we make it into a TV show.
The fellas of Mad Men showed off their mad manes (sorry) when Jon Hamm and Pete Campbell revealed some pretty epic ‘dos to the public this week.
Let’s start with
Mr. Draper. Apparently in all my research of Jon Hamm (Read: browsing his
free-ballin’ pics), neither I — nor the rest of the
Internet — realized the star had appeared on the short-lived dating show The Big Date in 1996. The USA Network game show was hosted by Mark Walberg (the Antiques Roadshow one, not the triple-nipple one).
Hamm, identified on the show as a waiter, rocked the classic ‘90s parted shaggy
‘do (which I like to call the Shawn Hunter).
And as if that wasn’t enough to confuse your boner (or ladyboner), just watch as he
describes his perfect first date:
(Cut to the 2-minute mark for Hamm’s introduction, but seriously just watch the whole thing).
TOTAL FABULOUSITY! For some unknown reason that will go down as one of life’s biggest mysteries, Hamm did not go on to win a date. FOR SHAME!
OK, fast forward
to modern times at the Mad Men premiere
party last week. Vincent Kartheiser aka
Pete Campbell showed up looking like he started to pull a Britney
before changing his mind and running to the red carpet.
Apparently the actor shaves his bang area (why does that sound so dirty) so his character Pete
can have a receding hairline — because
obviously — but couldn’t he achieve that look with makeup and a bald cap? Or
why not just shave the whole thing? This is especially bothersome to me because, as a child, I was convinced you didn't need to "grow out" your bangs once you grew tired of them, you just had to cut them off. This could have been me:
WHAT IS HAPPENING
Mad Men’s final season premieres Sunday night at 10 p.m. on AMC. Like Breaking Bad, this final season will be split between this year and next. Read more in this week’s TV column.
This week in movie remake fuckery: The Goonies 2 is coming atchu.
David Letterman realized Leno wasn’t backing out of retirement this time, so he hopped on the bandwagon and announced he’d be leaving The Late Show in 2015. Chelsea Handler also recently revealed she’ll be leaving E! when her contract is up in a few months, and is one of many celebs rumored to be considered to take Dave’s place. (Her first change: Swap out Stupid Pet Tricks for Stupid Vagina Tricks. Or maybe just Stupid Tricks, a game show with hookers? Call me for more ideas, Chels!) Stephen Colbert is at the center of these rumors as well, as his Colbert Report contract also ends at the end of this year. Meanwhile Late Late host and Letterman follow-up Craig Ferguson waits in the shadows as 75 percent of Americans still think Craig Ferguson is "the black guy from The Office." Wah waaahhh
Iconic album art
like The Beatle’s Abbey Road can transform
ordinary places into fan destinations. Check out these classic record
covers inserted into their respective Google street view locations.
Normally grown-ass women with a hardcore love for Disney turn me off — everyone’s entitled to a nostalgia fest every now and again, but you should not see Frozen three times in theaters if you do not have a child in your life. And there’s a new announcement for you:
Anna Kendrick hosted Saturday Night Live for the first time this weekend and her debut featured not one but two nods to Disney with her Beauty and the Beast-themed monologue and, later, a Little Mermaid bit. But — as you’ll see from the links — Kendrick’s stint was anything but basic. Bravo, Anna! This will certainly be a highlight episode of the season.
Could you use $500,000? Have you always wanted to be on TV? Are you either a soft-spoken racial minority or a loud-mouthed racist? Big Brother is casting its 16th season and the crew will be in Cincinnati next month to scope prospects. According to the online application, casting is curious about important personal information like applicants' weight, hair color and a “self biography” of a whopping 70 words. Those interested in being locked in a house, recorded 24/7 by 65 cameras and 98 microphones and pitted against some of the worst human beings on the planet can apply in person at Mount Adams Pavilion between 11 a.m. and 5 p.m. Friday, May 2.
The stoner gods have answered our prayers by way of Taco Bell’s “first meal.” Now folks across the country can start living mas as soon as they wake up, because everyone's favorite south-of-the-border fast food chain now serves breakfast. Taco Bell giant unveiled the new morning menu with a commercial that takes a dig at the golden arches:
Taco Bell breakfast is served 7-11 a.m. — 30 minutes later than McDonald’s, yet still too early for their target demographic. When will fast food restaurants learn that the people who really want to consume waffle tacos do not typically wake before noon?