Everyone’s favorite naughty bedtime story, Go the Fuck to Sleep, is getting a follow-up! You Have to Fucking Eat by Adam Mansbach is available now. And, like Samuel L. Jackson did for Sleep, Bryan Cranston narrates this new hilariously explicit offering.
Can’t you just hear Walter White reading this to baby Holly?
I’m a sucker for topical parodies of popular songs,
and Adrian Anchondo is behind a few of my favorites. He’s turned Bey's “Partition”
and “Drunk in Love” into fast food anthems and teamed up with Mean Girls’ Daniel Franzese for a twist
on Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me.” Now they’re back with a Thanksgiving remix of
T-Shfit’s “Shake It Off” — “Shake and Bake”!
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful Damien is still in the game and still too gay to function. And speaking of the boys of Mean Girls…
In Case You Missed It: Someone Photoshopped Guy
Fieri to look less like a deep-fried fire demon and more like a regular dad.
Planning on binging on food and TV this week? I gotchu.
Something else to be thankful for: a music video that’s being touted as
“the new ‘Gangnam Style’.” Because foreign Pop song + weird dance + animals =
viral sensation, here’s Chinese performer Wang Rong’s “Chick Chick.”
A film adaptation of creepy childhood favorite Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark has been in the works for a while. Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan from the Saw franchise were once attached to the project, but now they’re out and John August is taking over the screenplay, keeping the source material so many people love/fear very close. August has written several Tim Burton movies, including Big Fish, Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Frankenweenie, so he may just be perfectly suited to take on Scary Stories.
Beyoncé released a DIY video for “7/11” — one of the new tracks on her Beyoncé platinum edition release (listen to the entire album on Spotify) — and, obviously, it excites me. This will definitely be source material for countless upcoming holiday cards.
Thankfully, BuzzFeed has a guide to throwing your
own Beyoncé 7/11 underwear party.
HBO announced some more casting info for True Detective Season Two. Rachel
McAdams, Taylor Kitsch and Kelly Reilly will officially join previously
announced actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn in the highly anticipated drama.
Rachel McAdams as Ani Bezzerides, a Ventura County Sheriff’s detective whose uncompromising ethics put her at odds with others and the system she serves.
Taylor Kitsch as Paul Woodrugh, a war veteran and motorcycle officer for the California Highway Patrol, running from a difficult past and the sudden glare of a scandal that never happened.
Kelly Reilly as Jordan, Frank Semyon’s wife, a former D-list actress who is a full partner in his enterprises and ambitions.
Thanksgiving is just days away, and if you’re traveling back home to crash at your folks’ for the weekend, congratulations: You’re a Back Home Baller.
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: Richard "forever Robb Stark" Madden is Prince Charming, Helena Bonham Carter is the Fairy Godmother and Cate Blanchett is the wicked stepmother in Cinderella; Jurassic World looks as grand as it's been hyped up to be; the Bellas return for Pitch Perfect 2; and Paul Feig's Peanuts movie is coming in 2015.
Things to leave the house for all weekend. Shopping. Holiday stuff. Music. Plays. Food.
Survivor-type Bear Grylls may drink his own pee and propose to his wife with an ass diamond, but naturalist filmmaker Paul Rosolie is upping the ante in the weird wilderness game by allowing himself to be “eaten alive” — for real, apparently — by an anaconda on TV.
Judging by the trailer, viewers will witness Rosolie and his crew travel to the Amazon, hunt down an anaconda, suit up in a custom death-proof ensemble, douse himself with pig blood and wait for said anaconda to get hungry. The Eaten Alive special airs on Discovery on Sunday, Dec. 7 as part of something called “Mega Week.” Apparently both Rosolie and the anaconda survived the incident, which was filmed in advance. Cue the music!
In other “Oh my god, Becky” news, Kim Kardashian’s greasy butt on the cover of Paper magazine has everyone all in a tizzy. I think we should be offended by the headline/goal of the spread to “Break the Internet,” because haven’t we all seen Kim’s dump truck plenty of times before? More noteworthy is the fact that she’s popping out of a trash bag, which is actually quite fitting.
Look at these cute illustrations of movies with one letter removed from the title. And yes, I would totally see a Ron Swanson superhero movie called Ron Man.
Some of your favorite lady-shows are coming back in January!
Girls returns Jan. 11:
Broad City is back Jan. 14:
Your BFF Jennifer Lawrence will never get a Twitter, and it’s all because
you pervs who looked at her hacked pics she’s “not very good on phone or
TIL Jennifer Lawrence is all of our moms.
Entertainment Weekly’s annual reunion issue is on stands now, which means apparently it’s already time to reminisce about Mean Girls and Napoleon Dynamite.
Fox News’ Megyn Kelly accidentally cursed on air when introducing Mike Huckabee this week. She said Fuckabee.
Watch these 1980s aerobic workout stars get down to Taylor Swift earworm “Shake It Off”
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: Neill Blomkamp (District 9, Elysium) teams up with the incomparable Sharlto Copley again with Chappie, about a robot raised by a group of humans (Dev Patel, Yolandi and Ninja of Die Antwoord), proving once again that Copley is the go-to actor to play robot men; World War I drama Testament of Youth, starring Kit Harington (aka a beardless Jon Snow) and Hayley Atwell; and a fucking Minions movie.
October is synonymous with Halloween, haunted houses, harvest festivals and more-sexy-than-scary costume balls. Whether you plan on being a slutty nurse, a moody John Snow, your basic zombie or Dracula, the Tristate offers more than enough events for you to get your freaky on all haunting season.BAR EVENTS
Who you gonna call? Lady Busters! After years of talk about another Ghostbusters film, Paul Feig (Freaks and Geeks, The Heat, Arrested Development, Bridesmaids, The Office) say he will direct a femme-centric sequel and co-write the script with The Heat’s Katie Dippold. Here’s to them casting Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig and Mindy Kaling with Seth Rogen as a Dana Barrett character!
Katy Perry will be the halftime performer at Super Bowl XLIX. Expect plenty of day-glo, emojis, personified junk food, accessories from Claire’s 1999 collection and just the perfect amount of cultural appropriation. Hopefully Riff Raff will be in tow.
But Katy Perry isn’t just a Pop star with an awesome
gig — she knows her football, too. In fact, she was recently a guest picker on ESPN’s College GameDay for the
recent LSU v. Auburn game. I was...interesting.
Men in Hollywood are facing an epidemic. Too often
Everyman-looking funny dudes disappear for a minute only to reemerge changed.
Thin. Toned. Chiseled. We saw Jonah
Hill shrink, Chris Pratt turn to stone and even Drew Carrey get slim. Now we
have skinny Zach Galifianakis. What has the world come to?
If you haven’t seen or read Gone Girl, go do one or both right now so you can enjoy it before it inevitably gets spoiled for you. If you have experienced the mind-fuck that is Gone Girl, you know about the series of Amazing Amy books Amy Dunne’s parents wrote throughout her life. Soon, you’ll be able to buy actual Amazing Amy books. Meta. Peep a preview here.
As speculated earlier when a Twin Peaks casting call made its rounds on the Internet, the beloved David Lynch series is returning to television! The limited nine-episode series will air on Showtime at some point in 2016 — just don’t expect this to be a direct continuation of events from the last season that aired in 1991.
Who doesn’t like to fire up Sam Smith, dim the lights and have a good cry? Dude has soul. But for a lighter, more humorous take on Smith’s hit "Stay With Me,” check out Daniel “Forever Damien from Mean Girls” Franzese in “Please Go Home.”
All together now: “You can’t stay with us!”
Three years ago, Parks and Recreation introduced the world to “Treat Yo’ Self” Day (typically observed on Oct. 13, when the episode originally aired). So if you’re in need of a little pampering, Buzzfeed has a few ideas about how to celebrate this week.
Bill Hader hosted Saturday Night
Live last weekend — despite him having only left the cast a year ago —
bringing the return of some favorite characters (of course Stefon) as well as
fan favorite Kristen Wiig. Did you miss the episode? Apparently everyone did —
it was the show’s lowest rated episode ever
matched only by Charlize Theron’s episode from just 5 months ago. Woof. And it was actually pretty good!
One the flipside, everyone watched the crazy Walking Dead premiere Sunday. Let's celebrate the show's return with a new Bad Lip Reading, shall we?
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: Haley Joel Osmet stars in Sex Ed as a sex-starved dude (…named Eddie…) who lands a gig at a middle school teaching — you guessed it! — human sexuality; Disney mystery-adventure Tomorrowland, starring George Clooney; and holiday comedy A Merry Friggin Christmas — one of Robin Williams’ final films.
It's the weekend, y'all.
And as it approaches 5 p.m. on a Friday, you're probably thinking to yourself, "What should I do this weekend?" Why not try one of these …
- Sauerkraut Pizza. Made by the Order of the Eastern Star Masons, the handmade pizzas come in whole pies or slices and are topped with tomato sauce, cheese, green peppers, onions and sauerkraut.
- Cabbage Rolls. For more than 30 years, St. Augustine's Church has cooked cabbage rolls for the festival — recently, more than 10,000 per weekend. Cooked cabbage leaves are filled with ground beef, rice and spices and covered in tomato sauce.
- Sauerkraut desserts. The Waynesville Chamber of Commerce will be serving up sauerkraut pie, sauerkraut fudge, sauerkraut brownies and sauerkraut cookies.
- Sauerkraut Balls. A classic: breaded and fried sauerkraut and bacon, served by the Waynesville fire department.
- German Sundae. This is a pile of potatoes, topped with kraut, sour cream, cheese, bacon and green olive. (Recipe below.)
Andy Dalton truly is a personified pumpkin spice latte, isn’t he?
Real Housewives of New Jersey stars Teresa and Joe Giudice last week both plead guilty to multiple counts of fraud and were sentenced to 15 months and 41 months in federal prison, respectively. Teresa will serve her sentence first beginning in January 2015. Joe faces deportation to his native Italy following his jail time. The two sat down with Andy Cohen for an exclusive interview that aired Monday on Bravo. The network reportedly paid big bucks for the one-on-one — according to some sources, enough to cover their restitution — but Bravo denied the claims. A hefty paycheck would explain some of the tough, pressing questions Cohen was able to get away with. (At one point as we were watching Part One, my boyfriend hushed me — “I’m trying to hear this,” he said — which has certainly never happened during a Bravo program. Ever.) Part Two of the interview airs Thursday at 9 p.m.
The Giudices serve as a reminder not to commit bank fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, bankruptcy fraud or lie on loan applications or forget to pay your taxes. And if you do, try not to throw lavish parties in your tacky suburban castle on national television. On the upside, they did just provide me with an excellent pop-culturally relevant Halloween costume idea. Thanks, Tre!
Related: Fellow New Jerseyan and tanning enthusiast Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has also recently been charged with tax fraud conspiracy. Way to make the Garden State proud.
Lil Jon, “Lil Lena” Dunham, Fred Armisen, children of famous folks and other celebs teamed up for an epic Rock the Vote video:
Because we just can’t let that terrible club anthem died quietly, can we?
Some of the scariest shows of the season start up this week, with American Horror Story: Freak Show debuting tonight on FX and The Walking Dead’s fifth season premiere Sunday on AMC. Read more about these shows and others to watch in this week’s TV column.
We already know a TWD spinoff/companion series is in the works, though few details have been revealed, and now we’re learning American Horror Story will get a related offshoot. I know what you’re thinking: each season basically is a spinoff of the AHS franchise. But this is a little different. Ryan Murphy will direct a new series based on the same anthology format and American setting for American Crime Story. Each season (presuming its success matches that of AHS) will follow a different true American crime, beginning with one of the most followed court cases of all time: The O.J. Simpson trial. American Crime Story: The People Vs. O.J. Simpson has already been ordered as a 10-episode series for FX. Read more here.
Portlandia’s feminist bookstore sketch may be a hilarious
fiction, but it’s filmed in real Portland bookshop In Other Words. The IRL
Women and Women First is at risk of closing and it needs your help!
Alfonso Ribeiro of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is on Dancing with the Stars so of course he did “The Carlton”:
Human grumpy cat Aubrey Plaza will provide the voice for actual Grumpy Cat (real name: Tardar Sauce) in a Lifetime Christmas special! Who knew people still cared about Grumpy Cat? Moreover, who knew Lifetime made intentionally funny programs?
John Malkovich has portrayed a plethora of characters over the years and now he’s taken on the stars of famous photographs in some cool recreated shots by Sandro Miller:
See them all here.
As “fannibals” of the artfully demented Bryan Fuller spectacle await the next course of NBC’s Hannibal, we get a taste of what’s to come. Whereas the first season focused on French cuisine, pulling episode titles from traditional French courses, and the second did the same with Japanese fare, it appears Season Three will be Italian, judging by Fuller’s tweet of the first episode’s script, titled “Antipasto.” We last saw Hannibal (in one of the most insane episodes of any show ever) on a plane to France — perhaps this season finds him in Italy? With the possibility that nearly every character on the show is dead, maybe this season will totally flip the script and just become the creepiest cooking show of all time. I can see it now: “Today on Eating Hannibal, we have a special guest joining Chef Lecter. Please welcome Bobby Flay! Well, parts of Bobby Flay…”
If you like miniature things, animal videos and eating, you are one of billions of people who use the Internet. Also, you may be familiar with the tiny hamster that eats tiny versions of human treats, like in this video, where he enjoys an authentic Mexican feast of tiny burritos.
Well, Tiny Hamster is back, this time taking on competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi:
You may also be familiar with Jasmine Tridevil.
In a shocking turn of events, it seems that Total Recall prostitute
wannabe claiming to have a third breast added to her body is a FRAUD. Doctors
agree the surgery would be nearly impossible to pull off and my eyeballs agree
that the shit looks fake. Drag queens have been using prosthetic breast plates
Jasmine clearly will go to any lengths to get a TV show — besides actually
getting a third boob, I guess. And she appears to have a past of creating stunts
for media attention. Ya been Snopes’d, girl!
And speaking of Total Recall, the star of the movie’s 2012 remake Colin Farrell has been confirmed as one of the many speculated-about leads for the second season of HBO's True Detective. Vince Vaughn was also confirmed as another star in an HBO press release yesterday. Farrell will play Ray Velcoro, "a compromised detective whose allegiances are torn between his masters in a corrupt police department and the mobster who owns him,” according to the release. Vaughn will portray Frank Semyon, “a career criminal in danger of losing his empire when his move into legitimate enterprise is upended by the murder of a business partner.” Both actors had been rumored to star in the show for a while now, so if they’re confirmed we can probably expect Taylor Kitsch to formally come aboard soon. The show will also feature a female lead, after getting some kickback for the lack of leading ladies in Season One. Mad Men’s Elizabeth Moss and Michelle Forbes (aka Maryanne the maenad from True Blood) are two possibilities from the rumor mill — they’re also listed on the show’s IMDB page, along with Kitsch, but that’s not offish — and supposedly Rosario Dawson, Jessica Biel, Abigail Spencer, Malin Akerman, Oona Chaplin, Jaimie Alexander and Brit Marling have all read for a part. Fast & Furious director Justin Lin will direct the first two episodes, which should make us all nervous. Awesome director of Season One Cary Joji Fukunaga won an Emmy for his work; this season will feature several different directors.
Kirsten Dunst stars in a lovely “short film” that actually more of a PSA about how not to be a weird dick to celebrities and other humans in general.
Love this but seriously, do celebrities really use Uber?
IJCGE is finally back after a hiatus to work on other piling projects — including this week’s cover story on the locally filmed reality show Rowhouse Showdown. Check it out here! And yes, even my serious projects and cover stories require Facebook stalking and marathon TV-watching. Deal with it.
So what’s happened in the last few weeks? Everybody is married now, so we missed that. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie; Ashlee Simpson and Evan “Diana Ross’ Son” Ross; Donnie "Not Mark" Wahlburg and Jenny McCarthy; Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade (clearly getting more yawn-worthy as we go down the list) — even Vincent Kartheiser and Alexis Bledel, aka Pete Campbell and Rory Gilmore, tied the knot — the most important couple of them all. Congrats! Everyone else: you don’t matter.
Recently the Lifetime
network had a meeting where they brainstormed which piece of 1990s nostalgia
they should desecrate on air. They couldn’t decide between Saved By the Bell and Clueless,
so they just decided to do two TV movies in one week: The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story on Labor Day and The Brittany Murphy Story this Saturday.
Lifetime’s SBTB flick promised lots
of juicy dramatization — it’s based on Dustin Diamond's 2009 book Behind the Bell. But juicy it was not,
and the entire thing was narrated by Screech
of all people (who, according to this depiction, liked to drink vodka during karate lessons)!
Probably not as terrible as a Brittany Murphy movie, though. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some B-Murph. Uptown Girls is one of my favorite movies. Her voice acting for King of the Hill’s Luanne was flawless. And, obviously, her character Tai from Clueless is a voice of the generation. But the poor woman died nearly five years ago, can’t we let her rest in piece and respect her family? Oh, we can’t?
Yes, that’s a somber-girly version of the Night at the Roxbury song. Lifetime has two more forever-too-soon biopics in the works: one on Aaliyah and another on Whitney Houston.
Guy Fieri and his Flavortown mobile stopped in Cincinnati in July to film his Food Network show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. It was revealed last week that an entire episode will be devoted to restaurants in Over-the-Rhine. Typically, the show features a few different restaurants in three different cities. In “One Street Wonders,” airing Oct. 10, Fieri visits Taste of Belgium, Senate and Bakersfield. His visit to Northside’s Melt will air Sept. 12; his stop at Island Frydays in Corryville airs Sept. 26. Here’s a sneak preview of the episode:
Fall is just around the corner (if that’s what you want to call that 10-day period between the excruciating sauna of summer and frozen hell of winter), which means two things: people are less judgmental about the choice to remain mostly indoors and lots of TV shows are coming back. A match made in heaven!
This week brings the premieres of the final seasons of Boardwalk Empire (Sunday) and Sons of Anarchy (Tuesday). Go here for a full fall TV preview.
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: You’re Not You stars Emmy Rossum as an inexperienced but determined caregiver to Hilary Swank’s character, a woman diagnosed with ALS; Jon Stewart’s directorial debut Rosewater follows a journalist (Gael García Bernal) detained and interrogated in Iran.