A new mediocre everything store! White people rejoice! Kenwood has FINALLY opened up the fancy new Kroger Fresh Fare. It's like regular Kroger but with more "market" and "organic" produce that is more expensive and appeals to the high-class folks that still have their jobs.
Today I was scanning the pop culture information super highway to catch up on the latest fads. What's cool, what's hott, what's in, what's not. As I clicked around I came across some newly published pictures of Jessica Simpson. As I gazed at her face with my bedroom eyes, they slowly transformed into bulging ping-pong balls. My F-stop quickly went from an f/8 to an f/1.4 in 1/500 of a second. The sight of this fat woman that was almost finished devouring Jessica Simpson's body, feet first, was on the front page of People magazine.
If you still want to find that particular item that is unique but is maybe from a local or up-and-coming designer and is of high quality, Cincinnati has quite a few options for you to peruse. If you so choose, use the following as a guide to help you along your way!
Mike Breen just posted a schedule of events on the music blog, so I won't do that here, but the schedule goes something like this: Mark Mallory, The Breeders, speeches, Natalie Portman, The National. I know people are really excited about seeing The National and The Breeders, for free, on a lovely autumn evening. And I know people are really excited about Barack Obama.
But I'm really excited about Natalie Portman.Yes, Natalie Portman. At first I had to ask myself, why is she here? Is she just such an avid Obama supporter that she'll fly to random rallies? Did she have some sort of layover at CVG and had to get out of the airport Max & Erma's? Is she really bored? No. Maybe not. I did some Google research to get to the bottom of this conundrum and I learned that her mother, Shelley, is from Cincinnati. That makes more sense ... especially if Nat Port really likes The National, like most girls do. And we are a swing state.
Another thing that most girls like, besides croony sort of bands, is finding out what beautiful celebrities look like in real life. Sure, with the right lighting and hours of hair and makeup, anyone can look good. I mean you've seen those horrid photos of "celebrities without makeup" in gossip magazines. A majority of them look sub-par, to put it gently. And the paparazzi generally gets shots of these unmade women when they're about to take a bite of their salad or right after they ran like four miles, so that's to be taken into consideration, but still. Women like to compare themselves to other women. That's why that stupid "Celebrities are Just Like Us" thing is so popular in People or Us or whatever it's in. Madonna grocery shops? So do I!
But putting all that nonsense aside, Natalie Portman seems amazing, talented, smart and beautiful. She's a great actress who makes intelligent fashion choices and doesn't make a spectacle of herself. She has sassy hair and great skin. All in all, I take her very seriously as a normal person, which is a feeling I don't have about most celebrities. In general, I think celebrities are gawdy drunk drivers who spend too much money on sunglasses.
I'm looking forward to hearing what Natalie has to say. I feel like Queen Padme Amidala must have come this far to deliver a serious message to our people. And I'm looking forward to seeing what she's wearing. I also want to see how tall she is. I bet she's pretty adorable.
View photos of the event on Fountain Square here.
Drop those pickles and ice cream, ladies! Becoming Mom Spa in Mason is looking for the hottest pregnant gut in the Tristate for its Beautiful Belly Contest.
Knocked up chicks are encouraged to send in a photo of their lovely lady lumps, which will be displayed on the spa's Facebook page for public voting. Because that doesn't sound like it could go horrifyingly wrong.
For every vote on the photos, Becoming Mom will donate $1 to the March of Dimes. Prizes for top-voted bellies include gift certificates to The Polo Grille, Buy Buy Baby, Radiant Hair Removal (which you should probably think about before you submit a photo...) and other businesses. Becoming Mom will also crown Most Creative Belly Shot, Belly Shot that Best Represents the Journey to Motherhood and Most Beautiful Belly with $100 a pop.
Before MomsLikeMe.com hijacks this shit, I want to be clear. Being pregnant is totally cool (as long as you aren't a white trash idiot who learned the hard way that a pregnancy pact doesn't come with an MTV contract). I mean, you and a dude made a person! Holy shit, that's like one of the coolest things humans can do. And it's particularly special for women, because they get to let the thing simmer in 'em, pop it out and then feed it with milk their own bodies produce. That's hella eco-friendly. Pregnant women even look cool most of the time.
Terrifying other times.
Motherhood should totally be celebrated. I don't think a pregnant woman needs to hide her belly under a tent dress by any means, but do you really have to go to Sears, strip down and get a portrait of yourself covering up your boobs and vag like you're some kind of bloated Venus? No amount of retouching in Photoshop is going to make you feel like you look like Demi.
Not pictured: a normal pregnant person
But I know what you're thinking. You're going the tasteful route: planning on the denim/white oxford ensemble?
What a unique idea!
And let's think about who's truly affected by a contest like this: the little tadpole inside. How's Junior gonna feel when he finds out mom whored him out on Facebook before he was even born? All this for a couple bones and some Greater's gift cards. It's bad enough you picked the kid's name off a Web site, then tweaked it to end with "-ayden."
But if you disagree, send your belly shot to email@example.com by April 22. Winners will be announced on - wait for it - Mothers Day. Aw!
This is the caliber of photo Becoming Mom is looking for, so, preggy ladies, take note:
Mariah Carey continues to set the bar high:
Passing gas is sometimes considered a reaction to a good meal from a satisfied consumer, but actually farts are made during the release of gas that your body produces during digestion. My farts however are starting to push my friends away. I have always farted throughout my life, like most people, but recently things have been getting out of control.
Tristate hipsters' shopping selection has significantly decreased with the closing of Newport's Village Discount Outlet this week.
America knew Henry Darger late. So it goes for most prodigious artists. Born in 1892, Darger worked as custodian at a children's school for most of his life. His mother died early and his sister was put up for adoption. Darger actually never met his sister and spent his time growing up in various institutions, including a children's mental asylum.
A lot has changed since Charlie Sheen played that kind of do-able police station junkie in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. He was recently the highest paid television actor, has the highest risk of contracting a completely new strain of Hepatitis and is probably going to be the highest actor Andrea Canning has ever interviewed, on a special edition of "20/20" Tuesday night.