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The Morning After
by Jac Kern 02.28.2013
Posted In: TV/Celebrity, Is this for real? at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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Beardwatch 2013

'Survivor' recap featuring Cincy's Matt Bischoff (and sometimes Reynold Toepfer)

Survivor: Caramoan – Fans vs. Favorites airs every Wednesday at 8 p.m. on CBS. Watch this week’s episode, “There’s Gonna Be Hell To Pay” here. (Skip to the last minute to check out a preview of next week’s ep, “Kill Or Be Killed.") This recap primarily follows the fans because the local Matt Bischoff and ex-Cincinnatian Reynold Toepfer are part of that tribe and I pretty much fast forward through all other scenes.

Even though Matt's alliance (six of the 10 Gota "fan" tribe members) voted off Allie last week, this week's episode opened with a very livid Shamar leaving tribal council. The Iraq War vet who seems to rub everyone the wrong way was angry that his name (voted by the four pretty people) was even on the chopping block. But his fury wasn't just directed at the three remaining cool kids. All of Gota felt his wrath, including Cincy's favorite beardo.

                                   Matt shaking his finger in Shamar’s face — something he was not allowed to discuss in a previous interview

Reynold continued his reign of douchiness by calling the vote to send Allie home "revenge of the nerds." Hey, Reynold: less bullshit, more bulge. Thanks.

Sherri talked about how she owns fast food franchises so she knows how to deal with awful teenagers, and hence, Shamar. Despite his apparently unbearable demeanor, she wants to keep him around. Shamar mentioned wanting to quit the game for about 30 seconds, but later decided he's "not gonna be the angry black man on Survivor." His revelation included an emotional story about being a a veteran and adjusting to life post-war.

Everyone quickly dried their tears and headed to the Immunity challenge, where the reward was "comfort" (beach chairs, a couple throw pillows, tarp and rope). It was a very close race, but the fans lost once again. At council, Shamar pulled out the classic reality show line — "They're trying to throw me under the bus!" — when the tribe pretty much collectively said that Shamar is a big old asshole.

The votes came in: three for Shamar, three for Hope and three for Eddie. You know what that means? It's time for a #revote! (WHO is seriously live-tweeting Survivor?).

Hope was voted out. Looks like Matt's alliance won't even turn on the utterly deplorable Shamar!

Next week: Rat hurricane!

I really can’t believe people watch this regularly.

by Jac Kern 12.13.2012
Posted In: TV/Celebrity, Is this for real? at 02:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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I Just Can't Get Enough

Jac's roundup of pop culture news and Internet findings

Since I’m convinced the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Will and Kate, rarely have physical contact and imagining their sexy times is like picturing two pieces of notebook paper laying on a desk, I think it’s safe to say Queen Elizabeth’s turkey baster procedure was a success, cause Royal Baby Watch is upon us!

Duchess Kate was hospitalized last week for Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which is pretty much a fancy way of saying “bad baby morning barfs.” My professional opinion is that her tiny 12-year-old boy body has gone into shock now that it requires more than its usual daily dose of three saltines and a grapefruit. Will and Kate’s baby is approximately the size of a pea at this point and people are already putting Kate’s nonexistent stomach under a microscope, asking absurd questions like "Could it be twins?" And, ever the bastion of journalism, US Weekly has a timeline of the duchess’ body changes over the past 10 years here. See Kate’s shape transform from fettuccine to spaghetti to spaghetti a la fetus before your eyes!

I’m rarely one to say “poor princess” and I love a good celebrity pregnancy as much as the next sad fool, but Kate's gone through more than a year of royal pressure to get knocked up, and now she is, but not even at the standard pregnancy announcement 3-month mark yet. Let up on her womb, yo!

If Kate was like us lowly commoners, she’d likely be Instagramming her tiny bump and tweeting from inside the hospital (Nuthin 2 worry bout, just tummy troubles #preggers). Call it over-sharing, but most people announce their monumental life moments on social media. So, thankfully, if you were trying to recall the major events you experienced this past year, Facebook has gone ahead and just done it for ya. Just go to your page, click See your 2012 Year in Review or go to facebook.com/yearinreview/[your Facebook url]. A slideshow of photos you’ve been tagged in rotates above a list of friends you’ve added and pages you’ve liked in the past 12 months. Scrolling further down, Facebook has generated what it believes to be the 20 “biggest moments” from your year, including status updates, photos and links. I’m assuming those who’ve posted about starting a new job, getting engaged/married, moving to a new city or having a baby — royal or otherwise — would see those types of announcements highlighted, but for losers like me that just incessantly post pointless crap, this feature is pretty damn funny.