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by Eli Johnson 01.20.2012
Posted In: Culture, Dating, Life at 11:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Misery’s Company: The Watering Hole

Winter is here. Not quite the bitter cold but no longer the brutal heat wave Cincinnati was treated to during the middle months. A nice enough night to appreciate not having to be at work, servicing the needs of diners. As I approach the steel gates I show the doorman my ID even though I’ve been here dozens of times before, but he’s never seen me. He’s only ever seen a cheeky smile in a photograph and a birthdate. As I walk in I scoff at the hunky metrosexuals crowding the entrance still toting tank tops and skinny jeans, slurping tallboys of whatever while they talk nonsense. The bartender knows my face so he promptly pays mind to me. Tonight I’ll start with and probably stick with bourbon, neat. “Bulleit?” he asks. He knows my face too well.

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by Jac Kern 10.07.2011

Your Weekend To Do List: 10/7-10/9

Hold on to your knickers, girls! This weekend is full of excellent music, arts, theater and shopping events. Here we go:

Ides of March premiers tonight (FINALLY). Check it out and see how many Cincinnati landmarks you can spot. Or just look at Ryan Gosling. Read our interview with an actor who is not Gosling or Clooney here, and check out our review.

Clifton Heights Music Festival is back for its fifth installment! Bands of all genres take over six Clifton-area bars (in walking distance of one another) tonight and Saturday. The ever-growing fest continues to be one of the most affordable - $8 gets you in all venues for one night, $12 for both nights. Go here for the full lineup and venue details.

Rapper Machine Gun Kelly plays Madison Theater tonight. My little sister wants to marry him. Important facts here.

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by Jac Kern 08.03.2011

ICYMI: Chippendales Edition

I like to think I'm always up on the gossip, but some newsworthy items slip under my radar, like 98 Degrees' Jeff Timmons (my childhood fave - sorry, Nick) being a Chippendales performer! Chippendales at The Rio in Las Vegas features the Cincinnati boy as their hunky headliner all summer long, extending his stay (eyebrow wiggle) several times.

So, if you like combining the most homoerotic performance ever to be marketed to middle-aged women with prepubescent boy band fantasies, and who the hell doesn't, get your ticket soon! Jeff will only be flexing his "Hardest Thing" (sorry) through Labor Day.

                                               Or just watch this painfully awkward video of him posing for pictures!

Speaking of former child stars-turned-desperate, orange juiceheads, Baywatch alum and current Celebrity Rehab-er Jeremy Jackson has also made a bow tie-and-cuffs appearance. Some reports say he's addicted to fitness and would make excellent eye candy, so I'm guessing they haven't seen his stint on the VH1 show. Dude's addicted to German cattle steroids and cancer patient meds.

And if he's worried chemicals in bottled water will turn him gay, he clearly needs to give his Chippendales contract a second read.

by Jac Kern 02.15.2011
Posted In: Dating, Reviews, Fast Food, Fun, Holidays, Events at 03:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

My Romantic Evening at White Castle

White Castle is the oldest fast-food burger joint in the country, serving up savory, moist cardboard-like mini sandwiches for 90 years. That's right, back when people enjoyed a night of Prohibition-grade bathtub gin, they could wash it down with some sliders.

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by Hannah McCartney 06.15.2009
Posted In: Life, Dating at 02:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Craigslist Crusades

I admit it. I am a Craigslist addict. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?

It started back in April while I was still at college. My friend Ashley and I began scheming to find an apartment to share in Cincy for the summer, dreading living under parental control after a year of complete freedom in college.

Before class, I began checking the “apartments” listings all over Cincinnati, constantly searching for a cheaper, cooler, better place to rent.

That lasted for a while. As the school year came to a close, I started thinking about how much I needed to find a summer job / make money before heading back to Ohio.

So my addiction magnified.

Almost every day, I checked the job postings. Before I knew it, I found myself skimming stuff like the “manufacturing” and “systems/network” job postings, even though I fully knew I a) lacked any smidgeon of qualification b) had absolutely no interest in working in a peanut processing plant c) had no clue what the hell systems/network even meant.

Then came the [ETC] category. One of my personal favorites. I started looking here when my job search was failing and I realized how desperate I was for money. The [ETC] listings contain every odd job you could dream up. Fluent in Thai? Want to iron shirts for cash? Mow lawns? Teach tantra? Somebody wants to pay you.

I couldn’t help myself—I kept checking the [ETC] listings to see if I qualified to participate in a dish soap research study or maybe a coffee drinker focus group.

Then came the best part. The missed connections. I can’t even remember how I wandered over to the personals sections. Curiosity is the only reasonable explanation.

Previously, my primary sources of internet humor were textsfromlastnight.com and fmylife.com. But the missed connections were better because they were never really intended to be funny in the first place. Call me a cynic, but it seems like a bit more than wishful thinking to hope that that sexy Wal-mart cashier was checking you out, too, and wandered over to Craigslist just hoping you’d confess your longing in poetic prose. Kind of like this one: “We exchanged eye contact that was fraught with attraction, anxiety, curiosity, longing, despair, hopelessness, hopefulness, an urge to say hi and an urge to say "stop looking at me.’”

Or maybe this one: “’Oh Starbucks barista girl at the 4th and Vine location... how in love am I with you? Let me count the ways… ‘Chocolate frappacino’ you gently said as you slammed the cup to the counter without even looking up... I imagine cartoon hearts must have shot out of my spine and into the air.”

If the missed connections section of Craigslist has taught me anything, I’ve learned that there are a whole slew of romance novelists in Cincinnati just waiting to be discovered. People are so optimistic; they take time to write these postings just hoping it will be read in time for them to reignite that flame kindled in a parking lot, coffee shop, whatever.

I am fully aware of how incredibly dorky/pathetic it is that I have wasted so much time on Craigslist. But I don’t care. Reading the classifieds is a great source for procrastination, humor and insight into the genuine hopes/dreams/hallucinations of people all over the ‘Nati.

Go check out Craigslist. Just not the creepy sections. Who knows, maybe you really did catch the eye of that super cute waiter/librarian/barista. Or maybe you can make a quick $50 for participating in a left-handed research study. It’s all gold.

by Maija Zummo 06.02.2009
Posted In: Dating at 10:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I Want to Make Out with Younger Dudes

So I’ve watched the MTV Movie Awards about three times since they originally aired on Sunday, and it’s not because I think the host Andy Samberg is a really funny, sexy Jew, which he is. I’m on a boat. Whatever. And it’s not because I have nothing better to do. I do. I just bought a house and I have to paint it and stuff. And I need to do laundry. It’s because I had no effing idea how hot Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron are. What the fuck? Right?

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by Maija Zummo 02.16.2009
Posted In: Dating, Life at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I Bang the Worst Dudes


Ever had a bad one-night stand? Sure, we all have. But I mean like really, really bad? Like the kind of bad where the guy called out his own name or tried to pee on you or wanted you to dress up like Hannah Montana?

Out the dude and warn other women here.

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by Julie Mamon 11.10.2008
Posted In: Dating at 03:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The Magically Reappearing Boyfriend

Over the past six months I have gone on several dates. Sometimes there would be a few dates and, more often, just one. Regardless, I would give out my cell phone number because I don't have a home phone anymore. The guys would save my number in their phone, even if the relationship had no potential.I would save their number, too. However, once I made the decision that there was no hope for a man, his number was erased. Recently, a new phenomenon has emerged. Despite the fact that we have had little to no communication, some guys are starting to reappear.

One obvious issue is that I have erased their names from my phone so I am left befuddled as I try to figure out just who is sending me the text message, "Hey sexy babe. What is up?” Of course, I'm overcome with emotion at the thought that some strange man still believes I'm sexy, but I have no way to determine the identity of this mystery person. Then I become concerned that it may be a man I have no desire to speak to again. Really, any man that sends that text message should be automatically eliminated from my dating pool, but I have this problem where I feel bad if I don't respond to a text message. It seems like I'm ignoring somebody that has said "Hi.” So I try to come up with a response that doesn’t let the sender know I haven't the slightest clue who he is. Most of the time I fail. I have even gone so far as to believe I knew just whom I was talking to and called him by name, Steve, only to be humiliated to learn I was really talking to Tom. I tried to talk my way out of it, but I just couldn't. Tom didn't really care because it seems that this casual dating behavior is normal. All was good. 

Then, at other times, I get the freaky weird text messages. On my really lucky days, I might get a picture of a penis, which is so flattering and no less helpful in the identification process. A few weeks ago one man sent me a messaging that stated, "Thanks for your support during this really difficult time in my life. I couldn't have done it without you." Luckily, I have stopped deleting names to prevent so much confusion, so I knew the sender. However, having not seen him in six weeks or so I was still unclear if the message was meant for me. Perhaps, he made a mistake and it should have gone to his new lucky lady. I responded and was told that not only was the message meant for me, but that I was his "world." Creepy. I guess a girl should be flattered, but now I'm a little uneasy. We don't talk or see each other, so I'm unclear as to how our relationship evolved into such a serious one. Where was I during this process? Sometimes men do things that make no sense. So ladies, I warn you--watch for the magically reappearing boyfriend. He is not to be welcomed with open arms, but with call-block.

by Julie Mamon 10.28.2008
Posted In: Dating at 04:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Let's Just Stone Them to Death

There is a story in the New Testament where Jesus stops the stoning of a woman of ill-repute by arguing that no one is without sin, except him, and so no one has the right to stone this woman for a sin. Jesus doesn't judge the woman and shows her grace and she is saved. Everyone is happy, while slightly condemned and Jesus walks away as a feminist. Lesson learned. Two thousand years later we are set to stone the opposite sex for any and all injustices heaped upon us. Sometimes in the midst of internet dating it is difficult to keep perspective.

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by Julie Mamon 10.14.2008
Posted In: Dating at 02:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

U R Hot...and Yet You Don't Make Me Feel Sexy

I understand that text messaging is a common form of communication for many people, regardless of age. I send text messages. Generally, I have no problem with them. However, I believe they are not a viable form of communication in the early stages of a relationship. And still so many of the men I date feel the need to send text messages as the primary means of conversation. I understand that some feel it is less intrusive than a cell phone call and others, with unlimited text messaging plans, use it as a money saver to talk before 9 p.m. But people, really—if you are unwilling to spend the extra few bucks to say "Hello" then the relationship may be doomed anyway.

Every man I have met, with the exception of one, sends a stream of text messages to relay information, make a date, or, in one particular romantic gesture, request a booty call. Booty Call Benny is always good for a little sexy innuendo via text messaging. "U wanna c me naked?" It makes a girl's heart melt. Usually I receive it at 1 a.m. when I am feeling the greatest need to see any man. But Benny is not alone. So many others feel the need to check up on me with the articulate "Whats goin on?" or "hey." I am left speechless with their concern. My greater issue is how to respond. Before you really know a person it is difficult to determine the purpose of such a message. Perhaps as a woman I simply over-analyze the situation. But I am left wondering if the salutation is meant as a lead-in to a request for a date or if it is sincere concern or if it is simply a way to deal with the boredom of the day. The most common response to the question, "What's going on?" is "Nothing." However, I do not want to seem boring so I am hesitant to respond that way. Instead I find myself replying with an unnaturally long text that looks something like this, "I am about to mow the lawn and later I will fix dinner. I'm thinking something with chicken. Later I might read. What are you doing?" And yes, I do use correct capitalization and punctuation. I believe this makes me seem even more odd than if I had simply replied with "Nothing." Then I find myself more frustrated when I receive no response to my detailed message. I begin to wonder if I said more than was necessary. Sometimes I will receive a text back and we may exchange a couple of messages. Then I find myself unsure of when the conversation is over. Do you say "Bye" to end the exchange? Is there a natural stopping point of which I am unaware?

I don't want to seem rude so I always respond when I receive a text. But it becomes tedious. If someone wants to have a conversation why doesn't he just call? I may make the call and find that he is uninterested in having an actual conversation and I am once again left frustrated. This problem is just another one to add to my already overly complicated modern dating life. You can read the dating books, but not a single one that I have read addresses text messaging and dating. I have simply come to the conclusion that if I am going to have any hope of finding a lasting relationship it must be cultivated without the superfluous text messaging.

- Julie Mamon