So I have to admit, I’m pretty obsessed with all the Real Houswives shows on Bravo TV. Laugh all you want, but turn that shit on and it becomes addicting.

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As someone who was born and raised in Cincinnati, I naturally spent my whole life wanting to get the hell out of here.

I hated that there was nothing to do on Friday nights except go to the movies, bake cookies or eat lettuce wraps at PF Changs. I hated the schizo weather (70 and sunny one day, 30 and snowing the next: just another week in Ohio). I hated the predominantly conservative mindset, the maddening monotonity of the suburbs, the city’s aversion to all things new and different. I hated that you only had to drive 10 minutes in any direction to land in a sea of cornfields. And I hated Cincinnati’s dangerous proximity to Kentucky, where odious mullets and high-waisted denim shorts continue their ruthless and tyrannical reign. 

In short, I pretty much spent my entire life blaming my unfortunate geographic placement for all my problems. So when it came time for college applications, it was a no-brainer: I submitted my test scores, sappy personal essays and record of every nap I took in calculus to seven out-of-state schools — and just one in-state school.

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Halloween is tomorrow. You have like 26 hours left to carve a pumpkin, find whatever shade of fishnet stockings best compliment your "sexy" cop/nurse/cat/pirate/witch/mermaid/princess outfit and get your hopes up about how awesome this weekend is going to be!

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Most of us can agree that this Issue 9 business has become a total mess. If passed, this charter amendment won’t necessarily stop the streetcar line from being constructed, but it will force a vote before city leaders can spend money on it. It will also force votes on all other rail spending — including regional high-speed trains that Barack Obama wants built. Issue 9 is anti-Obama!

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I admit it. I am a Craigslist addict. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?

It started back in April while I was still at college. My friend Ashley and I began scheming to find an apartment to share in Cincy for the summer, dreading living under parental control after a year of complete freedom in college.

Before class, I began checking the “apartments” listings all over Cincinnati, constantly searching for a cheaper, cooler, better place to rent.

That lasted for a while. As the school year came to a close, I started thinking about how much I needed to find a summer job / make money before heading back to Ohio.

So my addiction magnified.    

Almost every day, I checked the job postings. Before I knew it, I found myself skimming stuff like the “manufacturing” and “systems/network” job postings, even though I fully knew I a) lacked any smidgeon of qualification b) had absolutely no interest in working in a peanut processing plant c) had no clue what the hell systems/network even meant.

Then came the [ETC] category. One of my personal favorites. I started looking here when my job search was failing and I realized how desperate I was for money. The [ETC] listings contain every odd job you could dream up. Fluent in Thai? Want to iron shirts for cash? Mow lawns? Teach tantra? Somebody wants to pay you.   

I couldn’t help myself—I kept checking the [ETC] listings to see if I qualified to participate in a dish soap research study or maybe a coffee drinker focus group.

Then came the best part. The missed connections. I can’t even remember how I wandered over to the personals sections. Curiosity is the only reasonable explanation.

Previously, my primary sources of internet humor were textsfromlastnight.com and fmylife.com. But the missed connections were better because they were never really intended to be funny in the first place. Call me a cynic, but it seems like a bit more than wishful thinking to hope that that sexy Wal-mart cashier was checking you out, too, and wandered over to Craigslist just hoping you’d confess your longing in poetic prose. Kind of like this one: “We exchanged eye contact that was fraught with attraction, anxiety, curiosity, longing, despair, hopelessness, hopefulness, an urge to say hi and an urge to say "stop looking at me.’”

Or maybe this one: “’Oh Starbucks barista girl at the 4th and Vine location... how in love am I with you? Let me count the ways… ‘Chocolate frappacino’ you gently said as you slammed the cup to the counter without even looking up... I imagine cartoon hearts must have shot out of my spine and into the air.”

If the missed connections section of Craigslist has taught me anything, I’ve learned that there are a whole slew of romance novelists in Cincinnati just waiting to be discovered. People are so optimistic; they take time to write these postings just hoping it will be read in time for them to reignite that flame kindled in a parking lot, coffee shop, whatever.

I am fully aware of how incredibly dorky/pathetic it is that I have wasted so much time on Craigslist. But I don’t care. Reading the classifieds is a great source for procrastination, humor and insight into the genuine hopes/dreams/hallucinations of people all over the ‘Nati.

Go check out Craigslist. Just not the creepy sections. Who knows, maybe you really did catch the eye of that super cute waiter/librarian/barista. Or maybe you can make a quick $50 for participating in a left-handed research study. It’s all gold.

I guess it was only a matter of time. The Shit Girls Say viral phenomenon has sparked hundreds of knock-offs: Shit Black Guys Say, Shit Girls Say to Gay Guys, Shit Nobody Says are among my favorites. Now, we have our own.

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According to NASA's Web site "This year's Leonid meteor shower peaks on Tuesday, Nov. 17th. If forecasters are correct, the shower should produce a mild but pretty sprinkling of meteors over North America followed by a more intense outburst over Asia. The phase of the Moon will be new, setting the stage for what could be one of the best Leonid showers in years."

Leonids, who grab their name from their location in the Leo constellation, are bits of debris from the Tempel-Tuttle comet.

And while the area around Asia might be the best place to view the shower (two of the streams will be crossing over Indonesia and China), you'll still be able to see the action in North America.

According to CNN, "The first stream will cross over Earth about 4 a.m. ET. That stream should produce about two or three dozen meteors per hour over North America."

So in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, experts recommend getting as far away from city lights as possible to view the shower. The less artificial light, the brighter the meteors will be. Also, the view is better the higher up you get. Altitude will reduce the glare of the moon.

Ohio's Stonelick Lake State Park is hosting a special viewing event with the Cincinnati Observatory Center. Get details about that even here. And read CNN's full article about the shower here.

Ever had a bad one-night stand? Sure, we all have. But I mean like really, really bad? Like the kind of bad where the guy called out his own name or tried to pee on you or wanted you to dress up like Hannah Montana?

Out the dude and warn other women here.

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Deciding which route to take in disciplining children is surely a tough decision. The closest thing I have to spawn is a gang of pets, and they don't know "sit" from "shut the hell up," so I guess training a little human would be even harder.

Today, it seems two extreme concepts of discipline stand out (usually while I'm shopping at a seedy Kroger location): the pulling-the-kid-by-the-arm-while-yelling-at-and-occasionally-spanking-them-onlooking-shoppers-be-damned or the children-deserve-freedom-and-isn't-he-adorable-shit-momma-needs-a-break. Surely, there's a happy medium between publicly berating your 4-year-old and falling into a dopey gaze as you let the kid scale shelves in aisle 6B. Thankfully, that's where Potty Mouth Soap comes in!

Made locally in Maineville, Ohio, creators of Potty Mouth Soap promise effective use of their product will help "nip the lip." The press release, sent to myself at CityBeat's office, is quite well-written, featuring enough alliteration to make Carrie Bradshaw squeal:

"Sick of the sass? Tired of the talking back?…Potty Mouth Soap is an all-natural, safe way to help discipline your kids. What's more, it's fun and effective." Fun? Just tell that to Ralphie.

It was...soap POISONING!

Not sure if it's effective, but hilariously (?) enough, there is a link to this video on Potty Mouth Soap's homepage:

The release continues:

I know what you're thinking. "My kids are the worst when we're in public, but how can I keep a bar of soap in my purse?" Potty Mouth Soap gotchu.

Enter Potty Mouth Spray. This portable "Cinnamint" mouth spray if perfect for Krogering. The website warns, "Don't leave home without it!"

On the "How to Use Potty Mouth Soap" tab are four YouTube videos above the text that's printed on the press release. One would think these would be how-to videos on soaping your kids, or examples of children who need to be soaped. The videos include one of a baby "biting" (but really placing her toothless mouth upon) a dog, the infamous "David After the Dentist" and "Charlie Bit Me."

Now, it kind of seems like the soap method might just teach kids to shove gross things in people's mouths when they say something they don't like, but I'm no parent. I guess I've come across some 9-year-olds who might deserve to get soaped, but a freaking baby? They don't even know how to make words yet! And seriously, no person should ever be accountable for what they say when high, after the dentist or otherwise.

"Gotta teach 'em young," you say? "This is probably better than the belt method." Well, bars and spray are $3-$5 a pop and include a sticker reward chart for positive behavior.

No gold star for you!

Bartender: Taryn

Bar: Fries Cafe (3247 Jefferson Ave., Clifton, 513-281-9002). I think this place is really comfortable but it generally smells like barf even though no one is barfing. Here's our review from the Swizzle Guide: There's almost something inherently wholesome about your neighborhood dive, and Fries is no exception other than it seems to embrace its dive-iness. It has the feeling of the childhood excursion to Grandma's, but only if she had a habit of chain-smoking two packs of unfiltered Pall Malls everyday for 40 years and hoarding Depression-era spearmint leaves in her bureau. But just like Grandma, Fries is sturdy and reliable.

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