Everyone’s favorite naughty bedtime story, Go the Fuck to Sleep, is getting a follow-up! You Have to Fucking Eat by Adam Mansbach is available now. And, like Samuel L. Jackson did for Sleep, Bryan Cranston narrates this new hilariously explicit offering.
Can’t you just hear Walter White reading this to baby Holly?
I’m a sucker for topical parodies of popular songs,
and Adrian Anchondo is behind a few of my favorites. He’s turned Bey's “Partition”
and “Drunk in Love” into fast food anthems and teamed up with Mean Girls’ Daniel Franzese for a twist
on Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me.” Now they’re back with a Thanksgiving remix of
T-Shfit’s “Shake It Off” — “Shake and Bake”!
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful Damien is still in the game and still too gay to function. And speaking of the boys of Mean Girls…
In Case You Missed It: Someone Photoshopped Guy
Fieri to look less like a deep-fried fire demon and more like a regular dad.
Planning on binging on food and TV this week? I gotchu.
Something else to be thankful for: a music video that’s being touted as
“the new ‘Gangnam Style’.” Because foreign Pop song + weird dance + animals =
viral sensation, here’s Chinese performer Wang Rong’s “Chick Chick.”
A film adaptation of creepy childhood favorite Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark has been in the works for a while. Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan from the Saw franchise were once attached to the project, but now they’re out and John August is taking over the screenplay, keeping the source material so many people love/fear very close. August has written several Tim Burton movies, including Big Fish, Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Frankenweenie, so he may just be perfectly suited to take on Scary Stories.
Beyoncé released a DIY video for “7/11” — one of the new tracks on her Beyoncé platinum edition release (listen to the entire album on Spotify) — and, obviously, it excites me. This will definitely be source material for countless upcoming holiday cards.
Thankfully, BuzzFeed has a guide to throwing your
own Beyoncé 7/11 underwear party.
HBO announced some more casting info for True Detective Season Two. Rachel
McAdams, Taylor Kitsch and Kelly Reilly will officially join previously
announced actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn in the highly anticipated drama.
Rachel McAdams as Ani Bezzerides, a Ventura County Sheriff’s detective whose uncompromising ethics put her at odds with others and the system she serves.
Taylor Kitsch as Paul Woodrugh, a war veteran and motorcycle officer for the California Highway Patrol, running from a difficult past and the sudden glare of a scandal that never happened.
Kelly Reilly as Jordan, Frank Semyon’s wife, a former D-list actress who is a full partner in his enterprises and ambitions.
Thanksgiving is just days away, and if you’re traveling back home to crash at your folks’ for the weekend, congratulations: You’re a Back Home Baller.
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: Richard "forever Robb Stark" Madden is Prince Charming, Helena Bonham Carter is the Fairy Godmother and Cate Blanchett is the wicked stepmother in Cinderella; Jurassic World looks as grand as it's been hyped up to be; the Bellas return for Pitch Perfect 2; and Paul Feig's Peanuts movie is coming in 2015.
Things to leave the house for all weekend. Shopping. Holiday stuff. Music. Plays. Food.
Afternoon, readers! Thanksgiving is almost here, which means an absurd amount of delicious, fattening food and stampedes of greedy consumerists who will overtake the Walmarts and Macys and the Best Buys in the days and weeks following the holiday where you're supposed to be thankful for everything you've already got.
It also means three days of work next week and an early issue. Look for it on stands Tuesday!
(As a side note, if you're like me and will do anything to avoid the hollowed-eyed throngs of shoppers in the days before and after Thanksgiving but still need to get a head start on holiday shopping, check out our gift guide. You're welcome.)
Let's get to the Words Nobody Uses or Knows in this weeks issue. Best word of the issue is loquacious, which I think sounds like salacious? Not sure. It's in Kathy Y. Wilson's editorial on Bill Cosby and his recent string of no good very bad sexual assault accusations by various women.
loquacious: very talkative; fond of talking (adj.)
In this issue: "NPR is the nexus of Cosby’s identity in America as the loquacious raconteur (reality) and the benign All-American Dad (television)."
Loquacious raconteur. I have no idea what a raconteur is either; but it sounds French, so I keep thinking loquacious raconteur with a French accent in my head.
raconteur: a person who tells stories or anecdotes in an amusing and clever way (n.)
Next word is vagaries in this week's Sound Advice.
vagaries: odd or unexpected changes in behavior or actions (n.)
In this issue: "Written and recorded in the winter months after solidifying Spencer and Pressley’s partnership (which came to include the vital input of percussionist/philosopher Ryan Clancy), Wormfood was a song cycle on the vagaries of love and the songs that detail those particular woes."
Last is hamlet, also in Sound Advice.
hamlet: a small village, or a dramatic play written by Shakespeare in the 1600s (n.)
I had no idea hamlet ever meant anything other than Shakespeare's play. CityBeat's pretentious writers have been teaching me so much!
In this issue: "Delavan is a farm country hamlet of less than 2,000 people located about halfway between Chicago and St. Louis."
Enjoy the holidays, readers.
Good afternoon readers! I've spent my day wrestling with terribly out of date software and silently cursing in my sad, grey cube. How's your day been?
If you haven't already noticed, this week marks CityBeat's 20th anniversary. (Hooray!) Our enormous anniversary paper recaps coverage of the issues Cincinnati has grappled with over the last 20 years. Plus, it has a head shot of me from 1994 wearing a purple turtle neck. Pick it up! Or, at the very least, join the staff at the anniversary party tomorrow for delicious food, drinks, and CAKE.
Moving onto the subject at hand...vocab. It was slim pickins' in this week's issue for Words Nobody Uses or Knows. Either that or my knowledge of pretentious words is actually expanding. (Doubt it.)
Best word of the issue is vitriolic, found in our anniversary issue; in the hilarious bit about Mike Breen pissing off all of Cincinnati's Jimmy Buffet fans. (You can read the digital version of our anniversary issue here.)
vitriolic: extremely biting or caustic; sharp and bitter: vitriolic talk (adj.)
In this issue: "This resulted in hundreds of hate emails from Buffett fans from across the country, most of which were nastily vitriolic, some even violently so (one writer said he hoped Breen's children were raped by drug dealers in Over-the-Rhine and given AIDS), a far cry from those smooth tropical vibes Buffit emits from stage."
People are the worst, aren't they?
Next best word is ethnomusicologist, which sounds like the best made up job ever. It's in this weeks Sound Advice.
ethnomusicology: the study of folk or native music, esp. of non-Western cultures, and its relationship to the society to which it belongs (n.)
Imagine introducing yourself to people with that title, and the reactions you'd get. People would be simultaneously confused, amazed and envious.
In this issue: "Huun Huur Tu got the attention of the West when American ethnomusicologist Ted Levin made the trek to Central Asia in the 1980s and brought the group to the U.S"
Next word is missive, also found in our anniversary issue. I feel like most people probably already know this one. It's in the other hilarious bit about that time everybody thought CityBeat was full of sexual deviants for selling adult-themed ads.
missive: a letter or written message (n.)
In this issue: "The missive called on CityBeat to exercise 'integrity as a corporate citizen' and asked that we 'eliminate the adult services category, and refuse to accept ads elsewhere for sexual services, in both your print and online editions.'"
If there's anything I've learned about the altweekly business in the three months I've worked here, it's that if you're being sued, you're doing something right.
Survivor-type Bear Grylls may drink his own pee and propose to his wife with an ass diamond, but naturalist filmmaker Paul Rosolie is upping the ante in the weird wilderness game by allowing himself to be “eaten alive” — for real, apparently — by an anaconda on TV.
Judging by the trailer, viewers will witness Rosolie and his crew travel to the Amazon, hunt down an anaconda, suit up in a custom death-proof ensemble, douse himself with pig blood and wait for said anaconda to get hungry. The Eaten Alive special airs on Discovery on Sunday, Dec. 7 as part of something called “Mega Week.” Apparently both Rosolie and the anaconda survived the incident, which was filmed in advance. Cue the music!
In other “Oh my god, Becky” news, Kim Kardashian’s greasy butt on the cover of Paper magazine has everyone all in a tizzy. I think we should be offended by the headline/goal of the spread to “Break the Internet,” because haven’t we all seen Kim’s dump truck plenty of times before? More noteworthy is the fact that she’s popping out of a trash bag, which is actually quite fitting.
Look at these cute illustrations of movies with one letter removed from the title. And yes, I would totally see a Ron Swanson superhero movie called Ron Man.
Some of your favorite lady-shows are coming back in January!
Girls returns Jan. 11:
Broad City is back Jan. 14:
Your BFF Jennifer Lawrence will never get a Twitter, and it’s all because
you pervs who looked at her hacked pics she’s “not very good on phone or
TIL Jennifer Lawrence is all of our moms.
Entertainment Weekly’s annual reunion issue is on stands now, which means apparently it’s already time to reminisce about Mean Girls and Napoleon Dynamite.
Fox News’ Megyn Kelly accidentally cursed on air when introducing Mike Huckabee this week. She said Fuckabee.
Watch these 1980s aerobic workout stars get down to Taylor Swift earworm “Shake It Off”
New movie trailers to hit the Interwebz: Neill Blomkamp (District 9, Elysium) teams up with the incomparable Sharlto Copley again with Chappie, about a robot raised by a group of humans (Dev Patel, Yolandi and Ninja of Die Antwoord), proving once again that Copley is the go-to actor to play robot men; World War I drama Testament of Youth, starring Kit Harington (aka a beardless Jon Snow) and Hayley Atwell; and a fucking Minions movie.
It might seem impossible to celebrate both No Shave November and the sesquicentennial of the Civil War, but Cincinnati natives Julia and Anna Hider have just the solution.
Their blog-turned-book Badass Civil War Beards showcases the best facial hair the war had to offer, from the most recognized politicians to unidentified soldiers. There are many aspects of 1860s America that have thankfully vanished over the last century-and-a-half, but today’s modern man can learn plenty from the epic facial styles of Union and Confederate soldiers.
CityBeat recently sat down with Julia and Anna Hider to discuss their new book and all things beard related.
CityBeat: Where did you get the idea for the blog?
Julia Hider: I was watching a History Channel documentary about the Lincoln assassination, and I just noticed that everybody had crazy facial hair, and so I texted Anna and I said, ‘Hey, we’re gonna write a blog about this, will you go set one up?’ and she did. And she picked out the name and…here we are!
CB: Did it take off pretty quickly?
Anna Hider: I just have a personal Tumblr for stupid pictures, like dogs and stuff. We started getting followers pretty quickly, I was kind of surprised — there are obviously lots of people on Tumblr that have more followers than us, but I was surprised by the history fandom — I guess you would say — of Tumblr, and how many history nerds there are on there.
CB: Even though you were at different schools [Ohio State and Syracuse], did you collaborate on it the whole time?
AH: We each did one post a day.
CB: And how did it get on BuzzFeed?
AH: I did that! But the thing is, it was a community post, but it made it on the front page of buzzfeed.com
JH: So Anna just wrote it.
AH: And I just sent it out on the Internet.
JH: And the community editors liked it, so they promoted it to the front of the community page, then I guess more editors saw it and liked it and so they put it on the front page of Buzzfeed, which is impressive for a community post.
AH: It was like the first time they had done anything like that, so I’m like, ‘This is easy.’ It was actually my second Buzzfeed [post]; my first one was called, “9 Giant Rocks That Look Like Willies.”
JH: I really think Buzzfeed helped us get the [book] deal.
CB: And what made you want to turn it into a book?
JH: I first thought of it as a coffee table book, but I switched to the blog because it’s easier to do. But I was on Tumblr one day and saw that Chronicle...
AH: It’s like the biggest indie book publisher.
JH: ...out of San Francisco, I saw that they were having a contest and they were looking for the next Tumblr blog to turn into a book, and they wanted to have this contest so we entered it. And we didn’t win, but we got shortlisted, and that’s how we got it out there that we were interested in publishing a book, but we didn’t get the book deal for another year.
AH: It hasn’t even been a year, it was like mid-November of last year.
CB: Was it hard turning it into a book?
JH: Not really because we had a lot of stuff to draw on. When I write an everyday post, I normally find [photos] on Wikipedia because it’s easier to click through and you find one person, and that links to another person, and that links to another person…But we went through the Library of Congress to write the book, so all the pictures are from the Library and you can have the rights to those because they’re over 150 years old.
AH: And they’re in the public domain. There are tons that we had never seen before, like unidentified soldiers, doing weird stuff. There were two guys holding pipes up to each other, and we’re like, ‘We had never seen this before. This is incredible.’
JH: There’s a good mix of stuff that was popular on the blog or stuff that we really liked, and there’s also a good amount of new stuff, too.
CB: If you had to pick a side, who had better beards? The North or the South?
AH: This one constantly torments me, because I know people are going to ask this. I want to say the Confederates, but it’s probably the Union.
JH: I feel like it has to be the Union because they were more urban and cosmopolitan.
AH: And they had Ambrose Burnside, they had Abe Lincoln, they had tons of really creative stuff.
JH: The North just had way more people in general. I think that’s part of it.
CB: Do you think crazy beards like that will ever make a comeback?
JH: I think they kind of are.
CB: It’s kind of like the hipster look. Is it a bad thing, though?
AH: Of course not!
JH: You can express yourself through your facial hair.
AH: Everyone looks good in a beard.
CB: I’ve tried. Last year I did No Shave November and it was terrible.
CB: So do you have a most badass Civil War beard?
JH: I mean I really like Ambrose Burnside, but I also like when people tried to copy him. Sometimes it didn’t go so well. This one guy in the book, Gabriel Rains, it just doesn’t look good on him. It just looks bad.
AH: I really like Joe Revere, because he had a normal beard then he waxed it into like three points. I don’t know why you would do that, but he did and it looks really cool. Or Roswell Ripley, who just had the biggest mustache ever, and it’s kind of gross looking.
CB: Is there any other period of time where you think beards would rival [the Civil War]?
AH: Maybe caveman times.
JH: I think that’s really the only other time.
CB: But they couldn’t shave, so that’s really sort of unfair.
JH: You could sharpen a rock so it’s sharp enough to shave, right?
CB: So do you still post on the blog?
JH: Yea, I think it was important to keep posting because I didn’t want to make our followers feel like we had abandoned them because we were trying to write a book.
AH: It wouldn’t make sense to stop. We want more people to find out about it, and start growing beards of their own.
CB: Do you have any next steps, plans after this?
JH: We don’t have anything solid.
AH: But if we could write another book, it might be about ladies, like Badass Civil War Babes.
JH: Because we’ve been looking at guys’ faces every single day for almost three years, and I kind of get sick of it. I try to bring in ladies whenever I can, but it’s not that often. We’d like to give them some attention.
Julia and Anna Hider launch the release of Badass Civil War Beards tonight at 7 p.m. at Joseph-Beth Booksellers. For some inspiration on growing your own badass beard, check out their blog at badasscivilwarbeards.tumblr.com.
Charles Phoenix, the California pop culture humorist who came to Dayton Art Institute last night with his slide show of retro-Americana images, managed to find time to visit Cincinnati and take some photos in advance of his performance. He included them in his show.
He called Cincinnati Museum Center’s Union Terminal one of the most magnificent Art Deco structures in America and expressed shock when he learned Hamilton County voters just passed a tax levy to save it. “Who would ever want to tear that down?” he asked.
He also showed slides of the American Sign Museum and asked the Dayton audience if any had ever visited it. Few had and he said that the museum was well-known and well-regarded in Los Angeles, where he lives. He also raved about lunch at Terry’s Turf Club and praised its abundant collection of neon signs — though he observed not all were politically correct.
Phoenix said he thought Ohio was a veritable ripe orchard of retromania, and he wants to do his show in other Buckeye State cities besides Dayton. Cincinnati Museum Center/Union Terminal would seem a pretty perfect place for him to appear next.
Good late morning readers! After an absence last week it's good to be back. I found plenty of Words Nobody Uses or Knows in this week's issue. (If you're feeling as hopeless about the midterm election results as I am maybe some vocab will cheer you up? Eh. Not likely, but we can try!)
Best word in this weeks issue is proscenium, found in Garin Pirnia's piece about a super cool new music venue in OTR. On its own, proscenium sounds like a name of a body part (but I never trust my gut on these things; it's usually wrong).
proscenium: the stage of an ancient Greek or Roman theater; the plane separating the stage proper from the audience and including the arch and the curtain within it (n.)
In this issue: "They’ve since gutted the place, leaving the plaster proscenium with light-bulb rosettes as the only original intact interior memorabilia."
Next best word is lascivious, which sounds to me simultaneously sexy and creepy. It's in Rick Pender's review of Into the Woods, the fairytale mash-up at the Covedale Center that earned a Critic's Pick.
lascivious: characterized by or expressing lust or lewdness; wanton; tending to excite lustful desires (adj.)
In this issue: "Alessi also plays the lascivious Wolf." (Pender is referring to the Big Bad Wolf in Little Red Riding Hood here.) Hmm. The use of this word suddenly seems wrong, very wrong. It's insinuating all sorts of nasty....moving on.)
Ply is the next word that caught my eye. It's in "Battling Barriers," this week's cover story abut sex work in Cincinnati. But seriously, read this.
I momentarily mistook ply for pry, but both words have similar meanings.
ply (as a noun): a layer of fabric, wood or a strand of fiber.
ply (as a verb): to make multiple layers, to work at, to keep supplying or to keep asking questions.
In this issue: "They also point out that not all sex work happens on the streets and claim that the Internet has made it safer and more liberating for those who wish to ply the trade."
Next word is progenitors, in the Sound Advice column for Carcass, a Grindcore and Death Metal band. Whatever that is.
progenitor: a forefather; ancestor in direct line; a source from which something develops; originator or precursor (n.)
In this issue: "Any discussion on the origins of Grindcore and Death Metal absolutely has to include Carcass on the shortlist of the genres’ progenitors."
Diametrically is the last word. I feel that most people already know this one. I do, but four words doesn't seem enough today, so I'll throw it in here.
diametrically: along a diameter; designating an opposite, a contrary, a difference, etc. that is wholly so; complete: diametrical opposites (adj.)
Halloween is officially over and I have to say, this year’s costumes — both celebrity and normal humans — left a lot to be desired (and I’m not even going there with the Ray Rice costumes). In my book, a costume can be scary, funny or sexy, but it has to be clever, one-of-a-kind or really well-executed. Enough with the “I’m a mouse, duh” getups, already!
One star who slayed the costume game was Iggy Azalea. I-G-G-Y: I know I slammed you last week for your lackluster SNL performances, but you totally redeemed yourself. A little background first: There have been memes going around comparing Iggy to the Wayons Brothers in White Chicks — both because of her apparent cultural appropriation of the Dirty South and, well, because she kind of looks like them.
Iggs had the last laugh on Halloween, dressing up in an eerie White Chicks costume with a friend.
did a killer Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume.
Also, Riri’s back on Instagram!
It’s always sad when a holiday ends — except, of course election season. Let’s toast to the end of campaign ads and at least a decrease in asinine political Facebook posts. To this photobomber!
Benedict Cumberbatch is officially off the market, and he made the announcement in the most Charlotte way ever. If you’re wondering what that faint sound is, it’s a million CumberBitches’ hearts breaking simultaneously.
Kevin Spacey went on The Tonight Show on Halloween and proved once and for all that he is an acting god, via the Wheel of Impressions.
Did somebody say, “wish”? If you were hoping for a new Pee-wee Herman movie, well, Jambi has granted your wish. Paul Reubens is working with Judd Apatow for a reboot I can definitely get behind for once.
Another mega-Yoncé album is coming this month. The Platinum Edition will feature everything from Beyoncé, plus two new songs, 10 live performances from the On the Run Tour, four remixes and some other swag if you purchase a physical copy.
Watching ignorant politicians make fools of themselves on The Daily Show never ceases to amuse. But when said ignorant politician is the Butler County sheriff, that just makes it all the sweeter (Richard Jones and his epic 'stache come in around the one-minute mark, and again at 3:30).
You may know T-Pain from his Hip Hop hits rife with Auto-Tune. Surprisingly, dude can sing for real. And he can buy me a drank any day.