The big pop news this week
comes courtesy of the VMAs, which can best be summed up in Michael Jackson
Video Vanguard Award-winner Kanye West’s words: “I don’t understand it, bro!”
Host Miley Cyrus successfully freed her nipple on live TV (we all knew that was coming), called Snoop Dogg her “mammy” and ended the night with a performance of a new song about “smoking pot” (suspiciously, a term no one who actually smokes pot uses) from a surprise new self-released album that is available for free streaming. The only redeemable aspect of that final performance was the cast of 30 (mostly) RuPaul’s Drag Race stars dancing along — perhaps a preview of All Stars 2?
Kanye was awarded the VMA’s
Video Vanguard honor by none other than Taylor Swift, who force-smiled her way
through Kanye’s predictably chaotic speech as she pretended to be BFFs with
also force-smiling Kim Kardashian in the audience.
Just like every other time Kanye opens his mouth to comment on his own shit, it was confusing as fuck. It started off sounding like he was about to apologize for the “Imma let you finish” moment, but took a few confusing winds down the roads into biblical territory (And Yeezus said, “…sometimes I feel like I died for the artist's opinion,”) and ended with the joking(?) announcement of a 2020 presidential run. Why wait, Kanye?
Apparently, despite being full of nudity, celebrities and OuTrAgEoUs moments, it was the least-watched VMAs ever. Isn’t that just how it works — everyone and their out-of-touch uncle are talking about the shitshow, but none of them actually watched it first-hand. Pretty accurate depiction of humans today.
Ohio was well-represented throughout the night — Twenty-One Pilots (of Columbus, Ohio) performed during the show with ASAP Rocky, Eric Nally of Foxy Shazam gained national attention with his Freddy Mercury-esque contribution to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’ outdoor performance of “Downtown” and Walk the Moon kicked off pre-show. #ohioagainsttheworld
So we all know Serena Williams was in town for the Western & Southern Open just a few weeks ago, but besides kicking ass on the court (and sucking face at Sotto), she was also filming a Beats by Dre commercial here. Fun!
Labor Day weekend is upon
us, which means
fireworks, grill-outs and poolside fun there’s not a lot
of good TV this week. Luckily, fall is right around the corner, and with the
cool air and pumpkin spice mania comes ALL THE SHOWS. Check out our fall TV
preview in this week’s television column.
Janet Jackson’s first tour
in four years kicked off this week in Vancouver and — da fuq is she wearing?
Basic bitches of the world (myself first and foremost): Rejoice! Drinking at Target may soon become socially acceptable — and I’m not talking about the wine-in-a-coffee-cup trick you alchies pull. A Chicago Target is getting two liquor licenses — one to sell the hard stuff on shelves, and the other to sell wine, beer and cocktails in an on-site bar. ON-SITE BAR. For the love of god, please let this expand to all locations.
Christina Applegate is Meryl Streep.
Serena was in town competing in the Western & Southern Open; Drake came to watch. The two celebrated Serena’s finals win with dinner at Sotto downtown and, apparently, a little mouth-on-mouth action. Drake also supported Serena at Wimbledon earlier this summer. NORMAL.
The brothers Hanson, the objects of my adolescent affection after my JTT phase ended, are now in the beer business. The still-dreamy-to-me trio of Zac, Isaac and Taylor have produced a pale ale appropriately called Mmmhops. It’s not available in Ohio, but you should be able to buy some online next month.
If you’re still following
the Fat Jew on Instagram or Twitter, here are some reasons why you should
consider cutting that shit off.
Play Cincinnati I-Spy as you watch the trailer for Carol:
I spotted Maury’s Tiny Cove (the restaurant in the very first scene) and various Downtown streets, and those Christmas shop scenes were filmed in Eden Park. The movie is expected to be released Nov. 20.
Do you ever wake up in the
middle of the night with pressing questions, like “What ever happened to
Rayanne from My So-Called Life?”
Well, don’t worry, because A.J. Langer is doing fine — much better than how her
iconic ‘90s character probably would have fared (All that sex! Drugs! Wild
hair!). In fact, she’s a damn countess. Step aside, LuAnn.
A.J. met British Lord
Charles Courtenay in 2002 and they married in 2005. They have two kids. Real-life
Rayanne swapped her title of a Lady for that of a Countess when Charles’ father
passed away last week, making her husband an Earl. In other words, boring,
boring, boring, Rayanne now has a castle. The title includes a 14th-century
estate in Exeter, England. Get it, Rayanne!
Wanna attend the Gloss book release party that Marc
Jacobs is hosting next month during New York Fashion Week? Well, first you have
to be fabulous enough to get an invite — but that’s not all. The invite features
a lengthy, descriptive dress code that includes "fur coats over lingerie," "Grace
Jones butch realness," "riding in on a white horse" (literally?) and sequins —
three times. Read
my wedding dress code the full description here.
Highly specific talent: This woman sounds exactly like Beyoncé. If Beyoncé did commercial voiceovers.
Rumors about a Sons of Anarchy spinoff were circulating before the seven-season show even concluded last year. The idea was a prequel focusing on SAMCRO’s origins with Jax’s dad John Teller and the rest of the Redwood Original. But FX is instead moving forward with a spinoff about the Mayans, a rival motorcycle club.
If you can’t wait for another Kurt Sutter series, tune into The Bastard Executioner, premiering on FX Sept. 15. The medieval war drama stars Sons’ Gemma (Katey Sagal, Sutter’s wife), True Blood’s Bill (Stephen Moyer) and, naturally, the multihyphenate Sutter as a prosthetic-covered character called “The Dark Mute.”
And speaking of spinoffs, Fear the Walking Dead, a companion series to the similarly-titled The Walking Dead, is now on AMC. See this week’s TV column to read more about the new series and other shows to watch this week.If you find yourself in the Chicago area and need a new gig, this Craigslist gem is searching for a tour assistant for a cat circus. MUST LOVE CATS!
The big news this week: True love is dead. As we know, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner confirmed their separation earlier this summer after months (years?) of speculation. Similar rumors have circulated around Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith lately, probably because they’re always talking about how hot their marriage is like a couple of desperate stunt-queens. Despite a recent report confirming their divorce, the couple is denying it. But wait — there’s more. Another famous music couple actually confirmed their split: Reba McIntyre and husband of 26 years (and manager — did that make him Reba’s manager?) Narvel Blackstock. This comes weeks after more contemporary Country couple Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert addressed their breakup. I know, I know — all Hollywood couples are destined for doom — but nothing could prepare me for the news of the leaders of the First Family of Cool, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, divorcing. TRAGEDY! Clearly there’s a national emergency, because freaking Miss Piggy and Kermit have added their names to the R.I.P. True Love list. I thought summer was the season for love.
File under This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: HitchBot. Some good-natured Canadian scientists created a good-natured hitchhiking, talking robot that could get rides from good-natured Canadian humans from Nova Scotia to British Columbia (basically, across the entire good-natured country). Anyone could pick up the bot and take it closer to his destination, documenting their travels along the way. HitchBot made it to Victoria, B.C., safe and sound — success! HitchBot later ‘hiked its way through Germany and the Netherlands before embarking on its first stateside voyage.
Naturally, we had to ruin
everything. On July 17, HitchBot started in Salem, Mass., with a destination of
San Francisco. It made it to Philly on Aug. 1 before being busted up by some
evil Americans. The scientists, being the good-natured Canadians they are,
aren’t taking it personally. BustedBot is coming home for repairs before making
another American excursion — starting in Philly — sometime next year. Oh,
Jumanji is getting a reboot next year, so I guess I might just bury myself underground for a while. Nothing is sacred. Here’s some more Sony Pictures flicks coming in ’16 and ’17.
And I guess while we’re being emotional, here’s audio of Chris Farley as Shrek — the late comedian was the original voice actor for the role; he died shortly before the film was finished and Mike Myers took over the iconic role (and clearly changed the character with his boisterous Fat Bastard-esque take on Shrek’s vocals). You may need to squeeze onto the donkey in your life as you listen.
Jesse Pinkman’s house is for sale.
Will Ferrell is working on a Funny Or Die comedy special for HBO called Ferrell Takes the Field, which follows the funnyman as he takes on 10 different positions for 10 different MLB teams in five games. This all went down March and somehow I missed that shit, because apparently Will played for the Reds against the Diamondbacks for the special during spring training. Ferrell Takes the Field premieres on Sept. 12.
And to end on the happiest of notes, here’s dream-BFFs Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence fucking jet-skiing together like a couple of babes. #squadgoals
Contrary to earlier reports, the Wet Hot prequel series premieres this week. Tune in to discover what Coop, Katie, Andy, Beth, Gene and the rest of the Camp Firewood crew were up to before that final day of camp depicted in the 2001 original flick. Premieres on Netflix.
MORE STUFF TO DO:
To some people, “bad tattoo” is redundant (“You’re just so beautiful as you are,” cry moms everywhere). But tats like poorly translated Chinese script, eerie portraits fumbled by an apprentice, or straight-up misspelled words are in a league of their own. Everyone’s personal Hollywood BFF Jennifer Lawrence is so normal and down-to-earth, she got herself some erroneous permanent ink. JLaw says she got inked when out with Hunger Games co-star Liam Hemsworth’s family, who were all getting tattoos (you know those Hemsworths, always throwing family tattoo gatherings!). She picked “the color of a scar” (ew, why) and selected the molecular formula for water (you know, H2O) to remember to always stay hydrated. JLaw might have gone the practical route with her reasoning, but that shit is incorrect — it appears as "H2O" on her hand. Even lovable multi-millionaire Oscar-nominees get erroneous tats! Oh, JLaw. You’re just like us!
Miss Piggy performing Rihanna’s “BBHMM” is almost as perfect as the original.
Because of course Miss Piggy is a scheming diva!
Disney animated classic Aladdin is getting the live-action treatment with a prequel about a genie trapped in a lamp. It will be interesting to see the casting (Hollywood has a long history of white-washing characters), but as long as our real-life Aladdin doesn’t look like Steve from Full House, we should be good.
(Via BuzzFeed’s 19 Things You Might Not Know About “Aladdin”)
Apparently there are “leaked” grocery lists that supposedly belong to Britney Spears. (I love that we're referring to someone's kitchen trash contents as leaked documents.) We all know Brit loves her Starbucks and Velveeta, and according to these documents (i.e. girl handwriting on napkins and paper scraps that went for $60 on eBay), she also enjoys cereal, pop, "ham deli" and using the word “baby” in place of “little.” Discuss amongst yourselves.
Is it weird that whenever I discover a new hero, it’s almost always a little girl with killer dance moves? Don’t answer, just watch.
Researchers at Oregon State University have developed a new strain of seaweed that looks and tastes like bacon, which sounds like an event predicted by an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. Kelp is the new kale!
Garrison Keillor’s magical voice will stop comforting people’s earholes soon — the longtime public radio staple is stepping down from hosting A Prairie Home Companion next year.
FX’s Fargo, which follows an anthology format, is coming back for a new season with a cast of new characters this October. The season takes place in 1979 South Dakota and Minnesota and stars Patrick Wilson, Ted Danson, Jesse Plemons, Nick Offerman, Jean Smart, Kirsten Dunst, Bokeem Woodbine, Cristin Milioti, Brad Garrett, Kieran Culkin and Bruce Campbell. Check out the trailer here.
James Franco is coming to Cincinnati two shoot not one but two films this May. The actor/filmmaker, who will always be Daniel Desario to me, will be working on two movies simultaneously: Goat, a frat hazing film based on the memoir King Kelly by Brad Land, and The Long Home, about bootlegger Dallas Harden, adapted from William Gay’s novel of the same name. Franco is on to produce Goat, which stars Nick Jonas and Ben Schnetzer; he’ll produce and direct The Long Home. The latter film’s cast has not been announced yet, but a recent Facebook post by Franco mentioned the movie along with Josh Hutcherson (The Hunger Games series, Union, Ky., native), Timothy Hutton (a bunch of TV dramas I've never seen + Ordinary People), Keegan Allen (not to be confused with Andrew Keegan), Ashley Green (all the Twilights), Tim Blake Nelson (O Brother, Where Art Thou?), Jim Parrack (True Blood) and Scott Haze (lots o' Franco flicks). Let’s ponder while looking at a topless Franco:
In a Salon article about HBO's Silicon Valley that called out the show’s “woman problem,” the writer mistakenly reported that Silicon’s Kumail Nanjiani is the same person as Big Bang Theory’s Kunal Nayyar. OOF.
The Full House sequel show you’ve been wishing for is finally coming, and the cherry on top of this nostalgic cake has to be the fact that Kimmy Gibbler will return! Fuller House is set to premiere on Netflix sometime next year and will focus on D.J. (Candace Cameron-Bure), Stephanie (Jodie Sweetin) and Kimmy (Andrea Barber). Adult D.J. is a vet, she has two boys and is pregnant with another, and the show picks up with her being recently widowed (R.I.P. Steve?!). Aspiring musician Stephanie moves in along with single mom Kimmy and her teenage daughter. It sounds like a pretty fucked up plot until you realize it is exactly the same as the original, but with ladies. Remake ALL THE THINGS with ALL THE LADIES!
John Stamos is producing and will pop in from time to time as Uncle Jesse, but the rest of the original cast is still up in the air. This could be a big pile of awful, but one thing gives me hope: Stephanie is still pursuing her entertaining dreams!
A masked hero in the UK is
going around spray painting penises around potholes to try to get them filled
faster. Best part: they’re going by the name Wanksy.
Inside Amy Schumer’s third season just started, and already there have been some epic musical moments. She pays tribute to the It Girl of body parts, the butt — watch out, eyebrows are comin’ for that title — in “Milk Milk Lemonade” and gives One Direction a realistic makeover with “Girl, You Don’t Need Makeup.”
David Ayer revealed Jared
Leto’s Joker look for the upcoming Suicide
Squad movie. Let the mockery begin!
Cecily Strong hosted “nerd prom,” which is the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and not Comic-Con. See the SNL star’s full speech here.
Obama addressed the crowd beforehand and, thankfully, Luther the anger translator was on hand.
Apparently any time more than two stars of a past TV show/movie are in the same room, that constitutes a reunion. So I guess there was a Lizzie McGuire “reunion” with Hilary Duff, Lalaine (Miranda) and Jake Thomas (Lizzie’s little brother whose name I can’t remember and won’t look up). Considering Gordo, Lenny and animated Lizzie weren’t there, this is truly a weak reunion. Sorry. Read more in this TIME article (seriously).
If you need a massive dose of Beyoncé in a short amount of time:
Jon Stewart is stepping
down as host of The Daily Show sometime
later this year, and now we know who will be taking his spot: 31-year-old South
African comedian Trevor Noah. He joined The
Daily Show as a correspondent last December. As to be expected, people
scoured his Twitter feed to
find something to be offended about see a
sampling of his work, but despite some “controversial tweets,”
overall Noah seems to be a great fit for the show. Watch some of his stuff
The Walking Dead fans got their first peek at the series’ spinoff show, recently titled Fear the Walking Dead (yawn), during last week’s super-packed, super-long, intense season finale. While details like these are just now being confirmed, it was revealed that the show will premiere this summer, meaning basically 365 Walking Dead. If the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it trailer is any indication, the series will explore the early days of the zombie outbreak, which is very exciting for fans of the original or just the genre (It’s almost an unwritten rule that zombie media focus on the fallout instead of the cause.) Gone Girl’s Kim Dickens (who also had recent stints on Sons of Anarchy and House of Cards) will star.
Who doesn’t love a good pop culture map? Thrillist compiled all the real locations from Broad City’s second season into one convenient map so you can make like Abbi and Ilana the next time you’re in NYC.
LEGO may soon be making a Golden Girls-inspired toy set complete with Blanche, Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and their iconic kitchen.
On the heels of HBO’s Scientology documentary Going Clear, SNL offered hilarious commentary in the form of a fake 1990s music video for fake religion Neutrology.
This actual Scientology video appears to be the inspiration.
Which is real, which is a parody?
Game of Thrones is coming! Season Five premieres Sunday and by the final episode this
year, the show will be completely “off books,” meaning this is the time to get
your revenge on any Song of Ice and Fire-reading
friends who’ve spoiled anything for you. No one is safe! Check out this week’s television column
for a look at the season plus TV picks for the week (Veep, Silicon Valley and Louie are back, too!). Further reading
to get in the Thrones mood: Jon Snow
as a terrible dinner party guest;
The Gang of Thrones?: Mac and Charlie may be coming to Westeros;
Gay of Thrones — the Funny or Die GOT recap
show I can’t believe I missed out on until today (Thanks, Kenneth!).
If people left parties the same way they quit Facebook:
Looking for a Netflix
offering to binge on/obsess over? Watch Black
Mirror stat. The British mini-series (as in only three episodes per season
— so binge wisely) is like a modern approach to The Twilight Zone, with each episode taking on a different cast and
story loosely based around technology and a not-so-distance dystopian future. Serious mind-blowing stuff.
Speaking of Netflix, 17 new episodes of cult favorite Arrested Development are supposedly on their way to the streaming platform. Start saving those vacation days now!
Also, the Orange Is the New Black Season Three trailer is here:
File this under: Tricks to Make Me Pay Attention to Politics: Rand Paul’s Drag Race.
A terrified-looking local 2-year-old has become something of an Internet sensation over the past week. In a funny photo with a cute story-turned-viral image, Quincy Kroner posed with two friendly looking garbage men in front of their truck (as he held his own mini garbage truck toy).
Pictured: Internet gold.
Dad and Northside resident Ollie Kroner, who’s no stranger to CityBeat, posted the photo on Facebook, saying, “Quincy's been waiting all week to show the garbage men his garbage truck. But, in the moment, he was overwhelmed in the presence of his heroes.” The photo was shared by friends and family, then their friends and so on until the image appeared prominently on Tumblr, Imgur, Awkward Family Photos, Huffington Post and ABC News.
Despite the sudden fame, Quincy continues to live a low-profile, tiny human life. Read more here. (Worth noting is the writer’s choice to drive home the point that “it started with a sticker chart” and to include the comment "Garbage men get swole as hell and are generally the greatest people around.")
Stock footage provider Dissolve created a “faux” TV trailer using only stock video, and it appears only slightly more generic that a CBS fall lineup.
Just in time for Mad Men’s final season premiere, AMC paid tribute to the show with a bench resembling the Don Draper silhouette logo that has become so iconic. The bench — which I really need them to mass-produce — was unveiled in front of the Time-Life building, which Sterling Cooper & Partners has called home in Mad Men universe since Season Four. Jon Hamm was profiled in GQ’s April issue, and the show’s leading man shared some advice given to him from a guy who knows what it’s like to portray an iconic TV character and then, suddenly, not — Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston.
"It's hard, man," Cranston told him. "It's hard to let it go. It'll hit you a couple of different ways at different times."
But before you get depressed thinking about all of Mad Men joining Walter White and the other characters in the big TV set in the sky, there’s still a whole (OK, half) season of Mad Men to obsess and drink over, starting April 5.
Serena Williams made her own 7/11 video a la Beyoncé.
Almost as good as the original and how cute is it when she stops dancing to let that old man walk by? Definitely needed more azz, though.
Goodbye Zuckerberg, hello Luthor! Jesse Eisenberg lost his curly locks to embody his upcoming role as Lex Luthor in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Check out his TRANSFORMATION (he just shaved his head) here.
The cast of Pretty Woman the movie’s 25th anniversary with a reunion on the Today Show. While it has been quite a few years since the last good hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold movie, don’t count on a sequel. They say there will never be a Pretty Woman 2. At least some things are sacred.
With that being said, of course there’s new remake news this week.
Fox announced that David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson will return as Mulder and Scully in the network’s limited-series reboot of The X-Files.
The John Candy classic Uncle Buck is also getting a TV remake. Mike
Epps and Nia Long are set to star in the ABC comedy. (This isn’t the first time
Uncle Buck is getting the TV
treatment — there was a short-lived series of the same name in 1990). Until
then, go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.
Some movies are getting turned into TV shows while some television series are getting reworked for the big screen. Finally, the Entourage movie trailer is here.
Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy theory? Reddit user Euchrid_Eucrow posted an in-depth analysis on the Barenaked Ladies song “One Week” (yes, you’re reading all of this correctly) in the Fan Theories subreddit. S/He argues that that song — an upbeat Pop-Rock earworm full of random bits of early-Millennium pop culture — is about a man who killed his girlfriend and is slowly going mad as he stays in a room with the corpse. Internet!
Here’s Sarah Jessica Parker throwing fifty shades of shade at Tom Hanks at a hockey game.
Forget Resting Bitchface —
Carrie Bradshaw’s got a very active bitchface.