Besides baseball, there are two things that I associate with GABP and the Reds — beer and music. Well, maybe there are three. Losing in the playoffs has seemingly snuck itself in there in the last week or so.
Whatever, I don’t want to talk about it.
Ever since I was a kid, my favorite baseball players' personalities have always matched their walk-on batting intros. (Adam Dunn’s intro, “For Whom the Bell Tolls” by Metallica, was badass, unless he struck out afterward, which was often the case.)
But as I got older and was able to drink at the games (legally anyway), I began to notice a trend in my beer buying regiment. I was buying more booze in the bottom-half of the innings than in the top-half and I had no idea why. But after some deliberation (a couple more beers), I finally figured it out. It was this team’s batting intros that drove me to the stands to go broke on $9 beers (thanks, guys!)
So, in lieu of thinking about my bank account, or the fact that we made history being the only team ever up 2-0 in a series and still, somehow, some way, found a way to lose three straight at home, here is a list of the Reds' starters walk-on songs, rated on a scale of how many beers it takes for me to enjoy them. Even though no amount of booze will ease the pain of that Game 5 loss, maybe making fun of these guys' music preferences will.
• Zack Cozart: “Too Close” – Alex Clare:
Alex Clare’s DupPop single “Too Close” (best known for soundtracking an Internet Explorer commercial) has risen on the pop charts at the same rate as Zack Cozart’s batting average over the past season. Coincidence? I think not.
But really, Zack? This is your walk-on song? This is what gets you pumped up? I mean, for God’s sake, the lyrics don’t make any sense. “I feel like I am just too close to love you”? It would make much more sense if the lyrics were, “I feel like I’m too just too drunk to do you.” That would be a song I could connect with.
Rating: 8 beers.
• Drew Stubbs: “Breakin’ a Sweat” – Skrillex and The Doors
There is no excuse for this. The whole thing sounds like Netzero fucked Jim Morrison and it’s just not OK. I honestly think this may be half the reason why Stubbs’ hitting had been so atrocious over the last season. Really though, if I had to hear this screeching dial-tone noise ringing throughout GABP every time I went up to bat, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate either.
Rating: 20 beers. Alcohol poisoning sounds better than this song.
• Brandon Phillips: “Turn Up” – 2 Chainz; “Turn On The Lights” – Future; “Everythang” – Young Jeezy; “Pop That” – French Montana; “Bandz a Make Her Dance” – Juicy J
All right, DatDude, what the hell? I understand wanting to switch it up during the game and maybe having two or even three songs tops. But five? In most games you don’t even get to the plate five times!
It’s OK, though. It’s worth it just to see all the old white people get uncomfortable when there is some Rap music blowing through the speakers at GAB.
Rating: 2 beers.
• Joey Votto: “Paint it Black” – The Rolling Stones
I like to picture Joey Votto sitting at home alone, crying, listening to this song and asking, “Why do I have to do everything?!?”
Seriously though, when you hear that thumping drum beat in the beginning of the song, you know fear strikes the heart of any opposing pitcher having to face Votto-matic.
Rating: Zero beers. No alcohol needed for this one.
• Ryan Ludwick: “Brass Monkey” – The Beastie Boys
While Phillips' newer Rap joints are a little too hood for the white people in the crowd, this is something they can relate, too. I wish Ludwick could bat twice in the order, not only because he’s a great hitter, but so I can see the drunk 40-something in front of me gyrate and giggle some more when this song comes on.
Rating: 2 beers. It’s a fantastic song but it is about drinking, so it only seems right to have a little bit of a buzz.
• Todd Frazier: “Come Fly With Me”/ “Fly Me To The Moon” – Frank Sinatra
Todd Frazier is a class act. His intro songs were chosen because they remind him of his grandparents (seriously dude — is there a bad bone in your body?). But honestly, who better than Old Blue Eyes to bring out the classiest Red since Sean Casey?
Rating: Zero beers. Maybe a “Daniels on ice, two fingers” though, in salute to Sinatra.
• Jay Bruce: “Everything I Do” – Timeflies
I don’t know who these guys are, but based on the 15-30 second judgment made when I heard it every time Bruce came up to bat, I’m not a fan. (Sidenote: I’m going to blame this song on that pop-fly he had in the ninth inning of Game 5. Thanks a lot, Timeflies — you ruined the season!)
Rating: 5 beers.
• Ryan Hannigan: “The Show Goes On” – Lupe Fiasco
I applaud Hannigan for throwing up a Lupe song as his walk-on. It’s cool that he listens to some good Hip Hop. But this song was quite possibly the worst choice he could have made. The sample of Modest Mouse’s “Float On” alone makes me want the “show” to stop and never go on again.
Rating: 5 beers.
• Scott Rolen: “Viva La Vida” – Coldplay
This might be the weirdest choice on the whole list. When you see Scott Rolen up to bat, he just looks pissed off. Like he’s Liam Neeson and the ball he’s about to smash just took his daughter and sold her into the sex trade.
But then you hear his walk-on music and it’s freakin’ Coldplay? I was expecting some AC/DC, even some Motorhead, but Coldplay? I would go on, maybe even make a “You know how I know you’re gay?” joke — but honestly I’m afraid of this guy. Even if he does listen to Coldplay.
Rating: 4 beers. After about four large drafts I’d be singing along. It’s just got that Pop-chant chorus that I can’t resist when intoxicated.
I wasn’t going to do any pitchers but this one was too hard to resist …
• Mike Leake: “Some Nights” – Fun
You know what would be fun, Mike? If “Some Nights” you’d stop choking and pitch to your full potential.
Rating: 6 beers.
(While we know up-to-bat music is irrelevant in Major League Baseball and cannot actually be blamed for the Reds blowing it in the playoffs, we'll offer our suggestions for new walk-on music this coming spring. Look for it in about six months. Leave your own suggestions in the comments.)
The Mad Love for Mad Anthony benefit on July 26, organized by the ever-wonderful Kelly Thomas, was a rousing success by any reputable yardstick. The Southgate House Revival was packed to the rafters with friends, fans and family turning out to support Mad Anthony, whose late June van accident had destroyed their touring conveyance, a good deal of their equipment and forced them off the road for an indeterminate amount of time while they heal.
There was plenty to see that night, and I was only able to sample a bit of it, but Smoke Signals rattled the rafters in the Lounge, and Martin Luther & the Kings tested the structural integrity of the Revival Room with an intensity and fury that rivaled most upper class hurricanes. Ryan Malott brought the Lounge back to a slow simmer with a nice acoustic set, The Black Owls, fresh from their triumphant Bunbury gig two weeks previous, filled the Sanctuary with the glorious Glam/Punk hybrid that they've perfected over the past five years and The Sundresses closed things out with a fabulous nutkick of a set featuring their brand new permanent drummer Dave Reid.
Between the money collected at the door, the merch sales and the proceeds from the silent auction, Mad Anthony collected a tidy sum to help defray their medical and related expenses and assist them in getting through the next few weeks of convalescence (and part time gigs for guitarists Ringo Jones and Adam Flaig, who are doing acoustic dates while drummer Marc Sherlock recuperates from a fractured neck vertebrae). The band wrote online that around $5,000 was raised.
For all that was accomplished, there is still more to be done. It will be impossible to erase all of the bills that resulted from Mad Anthony's accident, which came just weeks after the trio had quit their jobs and given up their apartments to devote their full attention to music and touring.
There will be another Mad Anthony benefit, this time at downtown's Mainstay Rock Bar, tomorrow (Friday), featuring music from Mangrenade, Knife the Symphony, Mala in Se, Thee Makeshifts, Alone at 3 AM and others It will be yet another opportunity to show your love for the boys.
Right now, though, I need to tell you why I hate Mad Anthony.
I hate Mad Anthony because they're so good. I hate that they've made me love them as a band, appreciate them as friends and care for them as if they were my own sons. How shitty is that?
I hate that I love their albums so much that I often play them when I should be listening to something that I'm supposed to be writing about, something that's likely twice as long and half as good. And so I listen to Mad Anthony twice. I hate that.
I hate Ringo. He's like a big dopey Labrador who loves his owners unconditionally no matter how badly they treat him, and his abusive owners are the harsh realities of life and the cruel indifference of the music
industry. And no matter how much they beat him, he just comes back for more, wagging his ass and smiling like he's won the lottery. Then he straps on a guitar, hits a chord, opens his mouth, shrieks a lyric and the whole thing sounds like a tornado tearing through a ball bearing factory, and somehow that makes him smile even more. I hate that.
I hate Adam. He's got that smirk permanently tattooed on his face, which makes it seem as though he knows something that you don't. And dammit, he probably does. I suspect his secret knowledge is that he would throttle his guitar and scream songs with the unbridled fury of a charging wildebeest whether his audience was no more than you and me and the waitstaff in some stinky little club or an entire arena filled with debauched pirates, and he would play with the same authenticity and passion in either event. I hate that, too.
And I hate Marc. He's thin enough to be mistaken for one of his drumsticks (you'd think a good stiff wind would blow him into the next county) and then he sits on the stool and hits the kit with subtlety and invention and musicality and the big hairy power of at least one of John Bonham's arms. And he does it all with the joy of a kid on Christmas morning. I really hate that.
So here we stand, charged with the moral duty of raising funds for Mad Anthony while they recuperate from the accident that destroyed their van, busted up their equipment and nearly killed them. I really would have hated them for that. Marc got bounced around with the gear in the back of the van like a pebble in a rock polisher and wound up snapping something relatively important in his neck, and both he and Ringo collected a Frankenstein's monster-like number of staples and stitches. Adam was mildly bruised and cut, because his secret knowledge that night was apparently, "Wear your fucking seat belt."
At any rate, tomorrow we'll gather with the intention of dropping a few semolians into the collection plate for the purpose of getting Mad Anthony back on its feet. And it seems to me that, since we're the ones raising the cash, we should have some say in how the funds are directed. So here are a few suggestions:
• Against all odds, the boys may have come out of the accident even prettier than before. I think maybe we should send them to a cut-rate, unlicensed plastic surgeon who takes buy-one-get-one-free coupons who will sort of ugly them up a little. Not on purpose, of course. That would be unethical. But it could be a good career move to come away from this experience with the kind of scars that can be seen from across a city block.
• The fact that there was an accident at all could possibly call the band's driving skills into question. On the one hand, maybe it was skill that saved them all. On the other hand, it may well have gone like this: "Look, shiny
thing..." Water, crash, roll, blood, hospital. So unless we want to be here every few months shelling out contributions to the Mad Anthony School of Sideways Driving, maybe we should insist that their next tour vehicle is an armored troop carrier with an interior made entirely of memory foam mattresses.
• Ringo and Adam are currently out on the road making up their dates by playing acoustic sets, but it might be a good idea for the foreseeable future to replace their whole rig with banjos and mandolins, at least until they prove that they can haul around big boy equipment and not wrestle with it in mid-air. Plus it would just be interesting to see if Mad Anthony could go full-metal-porch Tillers for awhile.
• There is at least one conspiracy theory (which I started) that states Mad Anthony got into this accident with deliberate certainty because they were afraid to get back in the studio to follow up their last album. I think we should make them use part of tonight's proceeds to record a triple album, Mad Anthony's version of All Things Must Pass or Wings Over America. Of course, a Mad Anthony triple album wouldn't be much longer than one side of a Grateful Dead bootleg jam, but it would still be a lot of work. Triple album, bitches.
• And finally, I think they should get a jaunty bow tie for Marc's neck brace. Because nothing on earth is going to make that neck brace look remotely cool other than a sporty bow tie. Even a drawing of a bow tie would be a step in the right direction. Or an ascot. Look what Hugh Hefner's done for the ascot. Of course, he has a billion dollars to back up the ascot. Let's stick with the jaunty bow tie for Marc.
Now let me tell you what I love about Mad Anthony. I love that they are louder than God's righteous rage and as indestructible as fucking cockroaches. I love that Ringo and Adam are actually doing the aforementioned acoustic thing until Marc is healthy, and I love that it's probably just as intense as when they plug in. I love that they didn't ask for help and when people offered, they said, basically, "Buy our music, and if you've already got it, buy another local band's music." That speaks volumes to their character, as a band and as people. Give them your money, give them your love, give them your respect, because Mad Anthony deserves all of it.
If you can't make it to the Mainstay show, there are a number of additional ways to get in on MadAid. You can purchase the band's music and merch, either through Phratry Records (phratryrecords.com) or from the band directly (madanthonyband.com or madanthony.bandcamp.com). If you're more inclined to give directly to the band, you can send your donation to them through their Paypal account (email@example.com).
Do all you can for them, because every time Mad Anthony hits the stage, they go to the end of the chain for you.