Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that it’s Shark Week, an annual weeklong series of programs on Discovery Channel dedicated to the underwater beast.
The hugely popular programming seems to generate more and more buzz every year — especially by online word-of-mouth. You know it’s that time again when Facebook and Twitter become flooded with updates and tweets like “OMG!!! Shark Week,” “Don’t text or call- Shark Week” and finally the ubiquitous expression: “Live every week like it’s Shark Week.”
Which is really catchy and all, until you stop to contemplate what it means. What does it entail, exactly, to live every week like it’s Shark Week?
I decided to ask around to gain some enlightenment. The responses ranged from clueless to philosophical to just plain unhygienic.
“I don’t know, man. No clue. Why?”
“Happiness, and the best week ever?”
“Shark Week is awesome and exciting and makes people want to behave like sharks. So I suppose it means to live every week like you’re the beast of the sea.”
“Watch Discovery Channel all day every day.”
“Stay inside and watch more 30 Rock?”
“Watch TV all day and never shower again.”
“Considering that I didn’t do shit for Shark Week, it means live life normally.”
“That is my mantra. Whoever told you that is a very wise person.”
“Live like it’s exciting and frightening? So laugh, cringe and be squeamish every week.”
“Live every week like it’s an adventure. Take advantage of every opportunity you’re given. And stay out of the ocean.”
To the Point:
“Live like you’re about to be eaten.”
“Live every week like it’s the greatest week ever.”
I don’t know exactly how to behave like the beast of the sea, and I don’t know about you, but “cringe and be squeamish” doesn’t sound like a great way to live. Still, there’s truth in these words. Shark Week is simultaneously entertaining and frightening, addictive and unwatchable. There’s something about sharks that both fascinates and scares the living bejeesus out of all of us.
I’ve deducted this much: Living every week like it’s Shark Week means to live life energized, on the edge and with just a little, healthy dose of fear — and awe — of the crazy world in which we live. It means to live life uncompromisingly, aggressively — to eat or be eaten.
What’s it mean to you?
Drop those pickles and ice cream, ladies! Becoming Mom Spa in Mason is looking for the hottest pregnant gut in the Tristate for its Beautiful Belly Contest.
Knocked up chicks are encouraged to send in a photo of their lovely lady lumps, which will be displayed on the spa's Facebook page for public voting. Because that doesn't sound like it could go horrifyingly wrong.
For every vote on the photos, Becoming Mom will donate $1 to the March of Dimes. Prizes for top-voted bellies include gift certificates to The Polo Grille, Buy Buy Baby, Radiant Hair Removal (which you should probably think about before you submit a photo...) and other businesses. Becoming Mom will also crown Most Creative Belly Shot, Belly Shot that Best Represents the Journey to Motherhood and Most Beautiful Belly with $100 a pop.
Before MomsLikeMe.com hijacks this shit, I want to be clear. Being pregnant is totally cool (as long as you aren't a white trash idiot who learned the hard way that a pregnancy pact doesn't come with an MTV contract). I mean, you and a dude made a person! Holy shit, that's like one of the coolest things humans can do. And it's particularly special for women, because they get to let the thing simmer in 'em, pop it out and then feed it with milk their own bodies produce. That's hella eco-friendly. Pregnant women even look cool most of the time.
Terrifying other times.
Motherhood should totally be celebrated. I don't think a pregnant woman needs to hide her belly under a tent dress by any means, but do you really have to go to Sears, strip down and get a portrait of yourself covering up your boobs and vag like you're some kind of bloated Venus? No amount of retouching in Photoshop is going to make you feel like you look like Demi.
Not pictured: a normal pregnant person
But I know what you're thinking. You're going the tasteful route: planning on the denim/white oxford ensemble?
What a unique idea!
And let's think about who's truly affected by a contest like this: the little tadpole inside. How's Junior gonna feel when he finds out mom whored him out on Facebook before he was even born? All this for a couple bones and some Greater's gift cards. It's bad enough you picked the kid's name off a Web site, then tweaked it to end with "-ayden."
But if you disagree, send your belly shot to email@example.com by April 22. Winners will be announced on - wait for it - Mothers Day. Aw!
This is the caliber of photo Becoming Mom is looking for, so, preggy ladies, take note:
Mariah Carey continues to set the bar high:
Super Bowl Sunday has come and gone, and what an emotional rollercoaster it was! Not only was the game neck and neck until the end, but viewers were taken through a gauntlet of tear-jerking ads between plays.
puppies? Check. Dead children?
Of course! It is the Super Bowl,
after all. It’s as if advertisers suddenly realized humans have emotions, and
that beer + bikini + kick to the crotch is not in fact the perfect formula to
lure every football fan. Check out more Super Bowl commercials here.
But there were some funny ads, too. Lindsay Lohan poked fun at her wreck of a life for Nationwide; Mindy Kaling learned what it was like to be invisible; and that Pete Rose Sketchers commercial aired, so that’s not embarrassing or anything.
Meanwhile the IRL Women
and Women First, the owners of Portland, Ore.’s feminist bookstore In Other Words, took over
twitter account to give a feminist commentary on the night’s events. Here are
Before we knew it, it was half-time, headlined by Katy Perry.
While she’s no Beyoncé (the disclaimer I give before complimenting anyone), homegirl brought it. Even people who are way too cool to listen to the pop star were all, “I’m not a Katy Perry fan, but that was a great performance,” which is hipster for “I liked it.” And if you were a fan of the amazing graphics throughout the show, you have a local company to thank! Lightborne Communications was behind all the 3-D animations and projections (they also worked on her recent tour). Read more about Lightborne’s involvement here.
The singer came out on a gigantic metallic man-powered lion, danced on a checkerboard come-to-life, served up early-Katy Perry retro beach realness (#leftshark 4 lyfe) and flew across the stadium looking like “The More You Know” star. Lenny Kravitz was already announced as a guest star, and he didn’t disappoint, performing Perry’s breakout single “I Kissed a Girl.” And oh, how I wanted to be that girl. Seriously, the man has not aged in the last 20-30 years. I wonder if he and Gwen Stefani both sold their souls to the devil around the same time in the ‘90s.
But Kravitz wasn’t Perry’s only guest! Rumored performer Missy Elliott surprised the audience with a medley of some of her top hits. It’s been a decade since she released any new music, so hopefully there’s more to come from Missy because the bitch can still put her thang down, flip it and reverse it.
There must be something in the air with pre-Millennium R&B musicians returning to the spotlight, because D’Angelo performed on Saturday Night Live last weekend at took us all to church while he did it. I never thought I’d like D’Angelo with so much clothing on, but he killed it (and owns the sophisticated baglady look).
SNL celebrates 40 years later this month (on a Sunday, which is weird). Tons of former cast members and hosts will appear: Dan Aykroyd, Jim Carrey, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm, Jack Nicholson, Amy Poehler, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Justin Timberlake, Christopher Walken and so, so many more, including Eddie Murphy, who’ll be returning for the first time in more than 30 years.
Now stop everything, because the Game of Thrones trailer is here.
“Who said anything about him?” BOOM.
Jimmy Fallon took The Tonight Show on the road for the week, and some of the show’s most hilarious clips have resulted. First, after the Super Bowl, Fallon and friends did a live show from Phoenix. Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart — who watched the big game together and co-star in the upcoming Get Hard — threw down in a lip sync battle (“for their LIVES” – RuPaul) with Fallon. Watch the guys do either best Beyoncé, Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson and more here.
On Monday, the crew traveled to L.A. So, naturally, Fallon opened the show with a recreation of the intro from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
But the throwback fun doesn’t stop there. No stranger to Mark-Paul Gosselaar (who famously did an interview with Fallon as Zack Morris on Late Night), Fallon reunited the Saved By the Bell crew — Zack (Gosselaar), Kelly (Tiffani Thiessen), Slater (Mario Lopez) and Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley) — for a trip back to Bayside.
This is all great but where is Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies)?! I mean I know Dustin “Screech” Diamond was probably busy with his recent arrest and all, but what’s her excuse?
Finally, the movie event horny bitches across the planet have been waiting for is finally here. Folks have been talking about it — anticipating it — since 2012. Some scenes can’t even be shown on TV.
No, I’m not talking about that Fifty Shades bullshit, I’m talkin’ Magic Mike XXL. Try to keep your composure.