This weekend was the release of the newest installment in the Final Destination series, THE Final Destination and, much like THE Ohio State, it's nothing special.
The fourth version of this soon-to-be high grossing horror flick is in 3D, which makes us hope for 3D boobs, which will finally trump Total Recall. The plot lines are basically the same in all four of the movies. A group of hip, young, attractive, no-name, young kids do something extreme and cheat death moments before it would have taken their lives. Then throughout the movie the characters are killed off one by one in a ridiculously unimaginable ways.
I had always written this movie off as a crazy action flick made to bring in tons of cash by giving Americans what they want most: huge explosions, bouncing boobs, cool drugs and, of course, gory death scenes. It wasn’t until I heard about the recent death of DJ AM, that coincidentally happened on the opening night of The Final Destination, that I knew something wasn’t right. It never occurred to me that the writers of TFD3D were actually doing everything in their power to warn us of the consequence of dodging death.
About a year ago, DJ AM and Punk/Hop drummer Travis Barker emerged from a plane crash on fire, leaving behind four dead friends. DJ AM and Travis Barker would blog about how guilty they felt and how they wished death would of taken them, or something, I didn’t do much research really. Cut to about one year later and DJ AM got his wish and was found dead in his apartment. But what killed him? Was it his crack addition that he was trying to kick? That is what the police will probably determine. But, according to every Final Destination movie, death makes every murder look like an accident, a really, really unbelievably ridiculous accident.
I have a theory of how death probably killed DJ AM. In the autopsy it might read, "Overdose: Crack," but I know that when DJ AM arrived home that fateful night he was expecting a quiet night in and was unprepared for what awaited him. As he opened the door he was miraculously tripped up upon entering his home by a hair drying cord. Trying to regain his balance, he stumbled into his TV where he was then electrocuted by a shorted wire which sent him flying into the bathroom where his hit his face on the toilet. In pure panic he flung his head up and smashed the mirrored cabinet that hangs over the sink, filled with his emergency crack stash that MTV producers hid there. The crack then flew into the air in slow motion with Matrix-style camera angles catching every single possible spin the bottle could of taken. DJ AM then fell backward and hit his head on the bathtub damaging his brain forcing his mouth to fall open. As life was leaving him, the crack arched like a Michael Jordan game-winning shot and fell directly into his face covering his nose and mouth. As his struggled to breath his last breath, he inhaled the crack which sealed the deal on the “overdose” autopsy. So as we start to morn the death of DJ AM, who brought such hits as…probably something with beats, I really hope everyone starts to be a little more careful in life. And to Travis Barker, you might be next so please stay away from rollercoasters, race tracks, weight rooms, escalators, bathrooms, hospitals, airplanes, probably everywhere. Death is very “creative.” Hopefully when death finally comes for you, he will mistake you for Asher Roth and take his life, while he is banging out sorority girls. Which would actually be a good plot for Final Destination 5.