What should I be doing instead of this?
July 23rd, 2009 By Andy Brownfield | News | Posted In: Humor, Courts, Media Criticism

If Applebee's Makes You Fat, Try Meth

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I was checking out the New York Times today (not to sound like a snob, but I only read CNN.com if I want to hear about bizarre murders, Caylee Anthony or Michael Jackson’s kids. Which is never) when I saw the headline, “Questions on NASCAR®’s Drug Policy.” I was floored.  NASCAR® has a drug policy?  Since when can drugs help you drive really fast around a circle better?

Then I realized that I was making the assumption that NASCAR® was a sport, and that like real sports their biggest drug problem would be performance enhancing drugs (instead of finding real good drugs).

 I’m no fan of NASCAR® I never saw the appeal of or “athletic” skill involved in taking left turns for a few hundred laps, but the headline intrigued me so I decided to read on. Big surprise, it was in fact about drug abuse in NASCAR®.  Now like I said, I’m no fan of NASCAR®, but I see nothing wrong with a driver smoking a doobie (does anyone younger than 50 still call them “doobies”?) to unwind after 400 laps of monotony.

Hell, it might do more good before the race.  I’ve got a friend who swears that smoking makes him a better driver: He obeys the speed limits, traffic laws, and always keeps an eye out for the police.

But no, far from the benign, “performance enhancing” cannabis sativa, the article focused on driver Jeremy Mayfield's alleged crystal meth use.

Again, I was nonplussed.  This surprises people?  That a NASCAR® driver would use methamphetamine?  Hell, the first two legs of the redneck triathlon involve getting super high on meth and driving really fast to Belterra Casino® to spend that week's paycheck.  The last leg is inappropriate to mention in mixed company. (It involves sexual acts performed on blood relations, or maybe a horse).

Bankrupt after legal battles with NASCAR®, Mayfield can no longer make millions of dollars doing what the rest of us do to get to work in the morning.  Now he'll have to get a real job, or fuel his meth habit the like the rest of us: Offering $5 blowjobs on Vine Street.

In other news, The Cincinnati Enquirer can always be counted on for entertainment. Highlighted on the front page of Cincinnati.com Tuesday evening was a story about a Milford woman who is suing Applebee’s® and Weight Watchers in what Cincinnati.com reports is becoming “a nationwide battle over the accuracy of fat and calorie counts on the restaurant’s light menu.”

Great, now we have to worry about the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the war on drugs, the war on poverty, the war against the poor (fought so valiantly by Cincinnati City Council) and now the war on misleading fat and calorie counts on Applebee’s® menus.

(Hint: if you’re fat, and you absolutely must eat at Applebee’s®, don’t.)

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