WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING INSTEAD OF THIS?
 
July 2nd, 2009 By Andy Brownfield | News | Posted In: Media Criticism, Humor

Madoff, Michael Jackson and U.S. Justice

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If the folks at CityBeat can finagle it, I want this entire blog to be in the color green. You know, to support Iran. Because nothing shows the despotic Shah (or is it the Ayatollah now? It’s hard to differentiate between ruthless dictators nowadays) that we Americans won’t stand for stolen elections like wearing the color green and Twittering (as far as I’m concerned, if it can’t be said in 140 characters or less, it’s not worth saying).

If only we'd known this in 2000.

In other news, Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. I found this out after learning that Billy Mays was dead but before PBS deigned to report on the coup in Honduras. The judge handed down this behemoth of a sentence for what he called “extraordinary evil.” And after a half-year and a media blitz, I still don’t know what a Ponzi scheme is. Free association brings up recollections of Fozzie, but I’m pretty sure he was one of the Muppets. Maybe a bear.

To put this in perspective, Charles Manson, born in our own Cincinnati (represent!), was sentenced to life in prison for mass murder. Figuring that WikiAnswers puts the average lifespan of a white male at 70-78 years (and who said you can’t cite Wikipedia? Eat that every college professor I ever had), either Charlie got off light or defrauding a bunch of fat cats (and a couple of whiny-ass bleeding heart school districts) $65 billion is 1.9 to 2.1 times worse than ending the lives of nine people, including the girl whose family brought us the best part of waking up.

Luckily for Madoff, stealing a fuck ton of money isn’t yet punishable by death, unless the Republicans get their way.

Maybe it’s the fact that my 13-year-old brother taunts me for my lack of arithmetic skills or maybe it’s the vodka, but I’m feeling frisky. Let’s do the numbers.

If old Bernie got 150 years for stealing $65 billion, that means he is serving one year for every $433,333,333 he stole. And if Charlie is serving an average of 70-78 years for ending nine lives, that means he is serving 8-9 years for each person his gang killed (I can already hear the arguments from the nosebleed section that a life sentence is technically “infinity years.” Well everyone knows that infinity isn’t a number, it’s just an 8 turned sideways).

So logic — or the United States judicial system — dictates that each human life is worth $3,466,666,664.

Looking at these numbers with a mixed sense of triumph and dread, it’s no wonder that our national debt is so large. At these rates, the United States can only afford to kill 1,009.6 people in fiscal year 2010. At the rate the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are going, that means we only have the budget for 906.7 more civilian deaths next year.

So the big question on my mind right now is: What’s going to happen to the rights to all the Beatles’ albums now that Jacko’s dead?


 
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