We’re still a few weeks away from the Major League Baseball All-Star break and the NFL’s training camps don’t begin until after that, but it’s never too early to start thinking about how much smack we get to type to our friends during the fall. Those of us too
old, bitter and uncoordinated busy to participate in the recreational sports leagues of our youth find excitement in the all-day changing of numbers and the friendly competition of fantasy football (which is much better than fantasy baseball).
With the air outside feeling hotter than the center of the earth, let’s pretend it's a nice fall Sunday and we have no obligations other than setting our fantasy lineup and typing out a 300-word diatribe against our friends. The following are some of the many message board highlights of past Cincinnati Loser League seasons (and a couple from the Westsider league some CityBeat dudes are in). You don’t have to know those involved to get the jokes — your own league is sure to be comprised of a similar collection of individuals from all walks of the sociopolitical ladder (but most are probably poorly paid and highly aggressive assholes).
Here are some of the more amusing posts from the past couple seasons of our dork league. Use them as motivation to work a little prose into your own shit-talking endeavors. And remember, all references to queerness are just jokes, like this one — :).
Matt Corley Gets Lost Inside Internets
by: isaac (More Than a Feeling) Oct 29 12:50pm
Vikings fan Matt Corley got on the internet early Sunday morning attempting to purchase the jersey of his much-loved Vikings' starting QB.
Apparently, confusion set in as the part-time liquor store employee was unable to discern if Tarvaris "I played college ball at a school of 300" Jackson or Kelly "I'm Still Getting Checks from That One Playoff Game" Holcombe would start.
In the end, Corley's lineup featured 3 players who were not playing. Next to their names, the double entendre of BYE appeared.
One, because the teams were on what people who know how to use a computer term "a bye week" and two, his team can say "BYE" to any chance of playing postseason ball. Much like his Vikings.
Talk about the circle of life.
But not in a homo Elton John way.
Corley doesn't know how to use a cell phone either, so he was unavailable for comment.
Take heed; The 9th oracle speaks softly to the damned (Metaphorical Week 9 Predictions)
by: Luke (_) Oct 30 1:13pm
Whinst preparing for the plight of the seventh day, take heed the oracle of the damned.
1. Follow not the lure of the white horse or of the smiling cat.
2. A new son will rise from the high mountain, but he will fail and die by the fang of the lion.
3. Those who rely on the stead of but one arm shall bear the mark of the fool.
4. In the ninth week a quiet song will rise from the pit of darkness and bring death to those who seek ascension.
Peace, Pot and Microdot
by: isaac (More Than a Feeling) Nov 3 3:07am
I am a modern day Jesus.
A hybrid Robin Hood and Bill Gates.
Since we are all stuck in the same urinal cake of the socioeconomic bracket, let's stop fighting.
The liquor slangers, ollie busters, and wage slaves that comprise this league aren't going anywhere.
So let's let the chips fall where they may, and all be in love.
It's not my fault that only I can be me.
The God Body.
The God Head.
So, until then, kill em all and let Yahoo Fantasy sort em out.
DeathMonkey Judgment Day
by: dannycross77 (The Scary Animals) Nov 9 11:22am
The day of reckoning has come for the SonicDeathMonkeys and the general manager duo of Annie Elfers and her mailman. With Nate Burleson posing as this week's Randy Moss, SDM finds itself at the Holy Gates with the impression that Satan does not loom below.
But much trouble does exist for Elfers and the mailman, for if SDM cannot pull out this victory the team will be cast into the purgatory of Cincinnati Loser League. A 5-5 record after this week will find one on the outside looking in.
Should the Holy Trinity of Houshmandzadeh, Tomlinson and Barber fail you now, Elfers & Co., you will burn for the rest of November in a hot white flame of anxiety and despair.
Go in peace, young No. 1 picker. Your destiny is in God's hands now.
Accusations, Sadness surround Cross
by: Luke (_) Nov 29 5:15pm
Danny Cross smiled nervously at the reflection of his computer screen early Thursday morning. Cross had just completed his latest masterpiece, a brief commentary criticizing the roster moves of a last place competitor in the Cincinnati Loser league. "He's stupid," Cross whispered, adding, "I don't even have room for all the guys I want to put on my team."
Friends have become increasingly concerned lately about Cross' increased solitary, erratic behavior. Sources confirmed Saturday that Cross left the Northside Tavern angry and mistakenly entered nearby Serpent's, a local leather bar, thinking it was Jacob's. Cross reportedly received a homo-erotic backrub by a large bald man wearing a patent-leather unitard. "That girl was cute, wasn't she?" Cross later asked his sleeping roommate who went to bed early to prepare for work the following morning.
Cross is also under investigation for possible embezzlement as acting treasurer for the Loser League. Cross was named acting treasurer after Isaac Thorn's unilateral early August decision. Luke Lewis, league disciplinary adviser is currently reviewing the case.
Hackers Infiltrate Loser League
by: dannycross77 (The Scarie Animals) Dec 3 1:15pm
A recent change in the spelling of the much-hated The Scary Animals franchise resulted in league hackery of the highest degree late Sunday. The first-place organization was re-named The Scarie Animals in an act of league terrorism designed to halt the animals' seemingly unstoppable winning streak.
An initial investigation determined that team owner Danny Cross, sleepy from drinking a bottle of chardonnay during the afternoon, left the Luke Lewis residence at halftime of the Cincinnati Bengals football contest. Two suspects — Lewis and his longtime girlfriend Andrea Elfers — had access to the Yahoo! account which Cross left signed in after watching Isaac Thorn's team slowly score enough points using all of its players to nearly tie the first five Scary Animals scores.
Witnesses believe that one of the two ravioli-eating suspects went into a rage of jealousy after seeing The Scary Animals' depth at the RB position and sabotaged its good name. Cross is expected to rename each of their teams once he figures out how to use the commissioner's controls.
The Scarie Animals 53.81 (4)
More Than A Feeling 51.52 (0)
Hoagy Time '08
by: isaac (Hoagy Time) Oct 12 12:52pm
Friends and countrymen, lend me your ears. In this important election year I believe it is important to shun the shallow pool of bipartisan rhetoric, personal attacks and the politics of hatred.
Instead we should embody the humble ideals embraced by this great nation, band together and stopping hoping and praying for the downfall of Hoagy Time Ltd.
I understand that I had half my Hoagy on a bye week for one loss, and that some lousy fuck started Brett Favre against me. I countered with some punk pussy intellectual queer from Haaahvad named Fitzsullivan O'Patrick or some shit. There was loss No. 2. But I'm not dwelling on the past.
The future of this great nation lies in the future.
Seriously folks, if i I wanted to watch some short Irishman who can't throw a football stumble and roll around on the grass I would go to Central Park after the St. Patty's Day parade.
Anyhoot, things are looking up. I hope that the other members of our league take the time to rejoice and enjoy this day the Lord has made for us.
by: isaac (Hoagy Time) Oct 19 10:31am
Well hello readers! It's great to be here. For some reason or another, Hoagy Time has a great feeling about today. I'm not sure exactly why given the totality of negative aspects of my life, but hey....it's all in God's hands, right?
You know, drafting Ryan Grant was dumb....and so was never applying myself scholastically so that I now sell cigarettes, lighters and beer for a living.
Sure I could've tried harder, crested the poverty line, and had a savings account. For that, I had no time.
That's the First Principle of Hoagy Time. Allow the negative things to be swept over by a nearly constant array of diversions.
Today, for example, I will go to THE Paul Brown Stadium to watch what you fucking hillbillies largely know as "The Bingles."
It will be a treat to hang out with guys who piss in sinks in the men's room. And wear Zubaz pants.
I'd like one of those laser guided smart bombs to hit that gift shop. Blow the fucker to smithereens. I would slap the shit out of my kid, right there in said gay-New York City Design Libral Queer gift store if he wanted anything.
But oh yeah, I'm a watch the Bingles-LIVE! Meanwhile, my team will be causing tremors and shockwaves out on the Left Coast by scoring damn near one hundred points.
I don't know what time it is out there, but once 1 p.m. EST hits, there's finsta be a rout.
You forget about the stupid things you've done, admit your faults, seek redemption....and then it becomes clear.
It's OK because Hoagy Time is in control.
Thank you and God Bless. Treasure this, the day the Lord has made.
Gas, Grass or Hoagy
by: dannycross77 (The Scary Animals) Oct 20 1:16pm
Many of the losers in our league spent Sunday afternoon watching the worst team in the NFL being further humiliated by their upriver rivals, live and in person. It was a lovely day for a sporting event, and if any of the rest of us were still young and/or active we would surely have been shooting hoops by the end of the third quarter.
For two of our live Bingle-watching Loser League members, the arrival home and consequent frozen pizza consumption was a somber one, as their fake fuball players had rough days.
For the Colerain Cowards, an over-reliance on New York Jets and the emergence of Tennessee fullback/fat guy Lendale White spelled and end to a three-game winning streak. Said fatty helped Tesco earn his third win of the year, keeping him in the hunt for the final couple playoff spots.
But perhaps the most troubling event of this most recent sabbath was the MIA status of our liberal friend CaliFish, whose Saturday night birthday celebration left him sleeping past the 10 a.m. PST wake-up call for losers, presumably alongside a chubby bulldog or a young woman who might fit said description, and probably with the musk of Jagermeister emanating from each of their moufs.
But when CaliFish got his ass up and logged onto the internets at 12:30, posted a lineup full of the finest waiver wire adds available halfway through a fantasy week, he offered at least a semblance of justice to a bunch of losers who don't think it's fair when someone else catches a break — it's like taking our money and spreading it all around. And thankfully our liberal friend isn't a socialist like Barack Obama.
Tonight when Jay Cutler and Co. accumulate the necessary statistics, Hoagy Time Ltd. will be lookin like one of those Baked Royal sandwiches at LaRosa's that only fat people and the elderly like to eat.
Commissioner "2009 FFL Game to be Played in London"
by: Luke (Cincinnati Lucy's) Oct 24 4:31pm
Cincinnati Loser League Commissioner Danny Cross declared at 3:45 a.m. Friday morning that a FFL game to be determined will be played in London, England.
In an effort to expand brand awareness, the Cincinnati Loser League will send two team owners to London for the first FFL game to be played overseas.
While the date and teams are yet to be named, Cross remains hopeful of a large turnout.
"I don't know much about Brits!" exclaimed Cross. "Fantasy fuball is Fun! I'm in first place in BOTH of my leagues! I'm the commissioner so I can just make myself go there!"
Cross' unscheduled press conference was held outside of "The Gypsy Hut" and was attended by a several 20-21 year old female college juniors, a homeless person and a Cincinnati Police Officer.
The Colerain Power Company
by: isaac (Hoagy Time) Nov 2 11:30am
So I'm sitting in front of my blinky box watching Bengals Nation because this time change has got me feelin' all willy nilly and up early. I'm a watching my program and all of a sudden my eyes were opened to the classical rock styling of The Colerain Power Company.
They are from Colerain, and they rock. Kyle, Danny, Mark, and the rest of you Colerainers....I take back all the Colerain jokes I've made over say...the last decade.
I thought The Colerain Power Company would just be a few Crosses and that A-Man dude from the Cows games pumping some iron in a basement gym.
Nope! These guys fuckin rock! Like Boston, with more rhythm. Like Nelson, with less hair. Like Def Leppard, with more arms.
Do yourself a favor and at least listen to "Hey, Marvin," a real get out of your seat and retrieve a handgun to shoot yourself with sort of rockin' good time. Cuz there are no rules on how to rock brother!
I foresee a Devin Hester return TD today. Anyhoot, here you go. Let us greet this day, the Lord has made for us.
Hi, I'm an AFC North running back, lemme kick ya in the dick
by: dannycross77 (The Scary Animals) Nov 3 10:46pm
Boy is this a tough year for the Losers among us who drafted formerly reliable running backs on historically strong rushing teams. I mean, I would have picked Jamal Lewis in the fourth round. Willie Parker in the sixth? Come on. Chris Perry late, Rudi Johnson for free, LeRon McClain looked tough for a couple days as a waiver steal. (I knew better than to ever touch he who call hisself Gahee.)
Fantasy Fuball is a tough life and further evidence that there is definitely a white man upstairs who controls things and likes me and Andy better than the rest of y'all (it has nothing to do with how much we're on the internet - it's that kind of logic that leaves America susceptible to terrorists and socialists).
Everyone can't be lucky enough to snag a goal line fat boy or super rookie. But those among us who have had to concern themselves with Bengals players or divisional rivals deserve sympathy. Goddam those teams suck to watch.
*For those who drafted AFC North RBs but don't have dicks just imagine they give you PMS or whatever hurts you at the end of the month.
The life of the Loser League
by: dannycross77 (The Scary Animals) Nov 26 12:09am
Are we serious? Will no one challenge the second tier of the LL during Week 13? Come on! The Colerain Cowards and Cincinnati Lucy's feeling no pressure at all? Are Brett Favre and Phillip Rivers managing the rest of y'alls teams?
With the final playoff spots already clinched heading into the final week of the second Loser League season, it's time to recap the notable happenings of the 2008 campaign.
Although the most notable occurrence was probably the continued domination by The Scary Animals Inc., we will postpone the gloating details pending a thorough physical of Brian Westbrook. Otherwise, here's what we learned this year:
Andy Stelter needs to get a job. His 63 moves to date rival only his own fantasy baseball meathead record of 2,397,392 set in late September. While we applaud his late-season acquisition of Aaron Rodgers, we haven't forgotten his near trade of one Roddy White. A solid draft and a lot of free internet time have left The Mad Dog Killers in a potentially good playoff situation, pending LaDainian Tomlinson's kind of old bones.
After witnessing The Scary Animals' dominating first year behind "the lanky one" Randy Moss, Jim "Sweet Caroline" Jtratajczak went the glory route, drafting mass wide receivers with no regard to how crappy Thomas Jones is. Then Jones scored like 8 TDs in two games and looked good on paper, but "The Team Formerly Known As Redneck Retards" simply could not outplay its own offensive name.
This season saw some managers win many games with low scores (The Yacht Rockers) and others lose many games due to gross neglect regardless of point totals (The California Fish) and others who just couldn't get those gosh darn matchups — or Ben Rothlisberger's astrological sign — correct (The Flying Squirrels). These aberrations are part of being a loser, and we all (you three) have to deal with them. Such is (sucking at) life.
After recording mediocre rookie seasons last year, the rap music listening/customer service working owners of Bo's Satellites and Hoagy Time Ltd. have done come up and made it to the expanded playoffs. Bo has even recently overtaken uber-waiver Mad Dog for the No. 2 bye, which Hoagy Time still has his eye on. These two teams have been near the top of the standings all year and deserve respect for their achievements even though MJD is a TD stealing bitch and HGLTD got super lucky with his wide receivers.
Two of our Loser League owners suffered major meltdowns which have contributed to this year's less than compelling playoff chase. And I don't know who is more of a choker: Rainbows and Kittens, which lost five straight after starting the season 4-3, or the FabulousFantasyBoys, who were tied with Colerain and Lucy's two weeks ago but with a higher point total. The thinking here is that Tesco blew it worse, but seeing as how he was riding the fat back of Lendale White for most of the season it shouldn't have been that much of a surprise. But Polo's benching of Tony Romo last week in favor of Jeff Garcia is worthy of a league tampering investigation. You guys are dicks.
This brings us to the lowest seeded playoff-making Losers in the league: the Colerain Cowards and the Cincinnati Lucy's. These two teams are a testament to American pride, the Bobby Brannen of fantasy fuball. If you are an average white man who tries really hard, God has a place for you in his upper middle class. Sure, Brett Favre tried his hardest to bring down my brother and his ever-growing family, and Phillip Rivers was seen mocking Luke's dance moves on Monday Night Football, but these two former fade-rocking kids from Pleasant Run overcame the odds and earned the chance to upset a good team for the opportunity to upset a really good team and make it to the money round. It's like what America was founded on, or something.
This brings us, dear Loser League, to The Scary Animals, whose Week 12 micro managing has reminded me that I'm not "sitting on the top of the bay" like I was last year. It's time to get serious - Westy is looking more and more like Edgerrin James and Jason Witten is feeling like me after an indoor soccer match. I need to make these finals so I don't have to replace the league fees I just spent to keep the cable on for those midgame pickups (F-you Andy! Remember Ryan Grant last year?)
As the seedings determine themselves during the final regular season week, just remember friends – we don't do this for the glory, we do it because we're losers.
Nothin on the top but a bucket and a mop...
by: dannycross77 (Scary Animals II)
Oct 29 2:03pm
and four fantasy dorks from Colerain!
What's up with you West Siders? Don't y'all have the internet on Sundays? Direct TV and Correll Buckhalter ain't gonna win you no Bungle Leagues.
For those of you who laughed, ridiculed and otherwise hurt the feelings of meatheads and Scary Animals baseball with your obscure outfielder/catcher pickups and your starting pitchers who qualified for relief spots, payback's a B. Who's the rookie now bitch!
It is certainly premature to start talking a bunch of S as if we four dorks will end up at the top of the standings. It's likely that one of you Garganos or Mongillos or Pompilios will squeeze in there among us. But today is our day to shine and count the blessings that the lord bestowed on we who did as many practice drafts as Bridgetown Blackout did for baseball (and this time it was me who grabbed a couple of Giovanni Sotos in the late RB rounds).
What can we say? Hard work, intelligence, jobs that allow us to be on the internet all day, and the grace and respect of Jesus Christ make us really good at this.
Good luck down the stretch, West Siders, Californians and Florida lawyer guy. Feel free to meet us at Northgate Mall after the season to celebrate — the Sabarro's is on us.
Local Man Lies, Cheats Way To Football Championship
by: bankspelledbackwards (Bank Backwards)
Dec 23 2:01pm
Despite all the odds and votes against him, local Cincinnati entrepreneur Jeff Knab was crowned league champion in the We're the Bungles No Longer fantasy football league last night. Perhaps because of the Cincinnati Bengals dismal season this year and the resulting ironically named league, Knab was able to pull off the upset against Scary Animals II in a matchup that is sure to go down as one of the most ass-backward fantasy football championships in recent memory.
"I wouldn't have it any other way," said Knab, who has cleverly titled his local mortgage lending company Knab Banking, with an equally clever slogan that utilizes the flexible spelling of his last name, "Remember folks, Bank Backwards." Knab was ecstatic that he wouldn't have to pay his opponent, Danny Cross, a mere $30 that was properly owed for league dues. Knab even concocted an elaborate scheme to weasel his way out of a possible four-way bet between the other semi-final teams, but once it was clear that he would have an opportunity to actually pull out a win, he immediately retracted the proposition and was back in. Typical style for Knab, who was known throughout the year for unethical maneuvering.
"I was ok with draining my bank account of $90 to the axe murderer or the meathead, but I'll be damned if I'm giving that sheisty fucker any money," Cross was quoted as saying once he realized Matt Forte was not going to score six touchdowns to earn him the championship.
"I've always played by own rules," said Knab, "and these guys should have expected this kind of crooked play calling from the start of the season. You think I'm rocking this mullet as a fashion statement? It's called strategy."
Despite Knab's unorthodox style, the league championship is his and he will now be $90 richer. "Anybody got any Bengals tickets they want to sell?" Knab asked as he tried to think of ways to spend the money. "I'm thinking I can buy out the stadium with this kind of cash."