So I’ve watched the MTV Movie Awards about three times since they originally aired on Sunday, and it’s not because I think the host Andy Samberg is a really funny, sexy Jew, which he is. I’m on a boat. Whatever. And it’s not because I have nothing better to do. I do. I just bought a house and I have to paint it and stuff. And I need to do laundry. It’s because I had no effing idea how hot Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron are. What the fuck? Right?
Robert Pattinson is the brooding, sexy vampire guy from Twilight and Zac Efron was probably the quarter back or something in High School Musicals 1, 2 and 3. I haven’t seen any of these films because I’m not 14. But I have seen both of these guys talk and move around on the MTV Movie Awards and I have decided I want to make out with them.
These dudes are young. They were probably eighth graders or freshman when I was a senior, but if there’s grass on the field, play ball. If you’re a senior girl and you hook up with a hot freshman, it’s considered pathetic and gross. I don’t really know why. That’s the unfair, unbreakable rule. But if I went to High School Musical and Zac Efron was there and he was some dorky freshman and I was a popular senior, I’d risk my reputation to date him. Or I’d at least make out with him in the auditorium.
I don’t know why there weren’t teenybopper heartthrobs like these two James Dean-ish MFers when I was of the age to buy Tiger Beat magazine. I hated all the “hot” dudes that were around when I was growing up. I would have liked Jonathan Brandis had I known how deep he was before his suicide, but instead I just randomly decided to have a “crush” on Luke Perry. Confession: I’ve never seen a single episode of 90210, except for part of one where a guy brings a gun to school. But I bought a Luke Perry fan book and I took it to all of my slumber parties just so I could talk about how hot Luke Perry was and to prove that I really, really liked him. He wasn’t hot and he was way too old for a 12-year-old to consider sexy.
But Pattinson and Efron get me all Blanche Deveraux-ed just thinking about their young, muscular, shirtless bodies walking around the streets of LA eating Pinkberry, casually running their fingers through their overgrown manes, just pulsing with a raw and reckless sexuality. Is it hot in here?
I Googled both of them (not dirty) and found some pictures from their GQ spreads. Gaze upon them in wonder, my friends:
Why/how can Zac Efron do this?
He's Hot. He's Sexy. He's Undead.
More shirtless Efron:
A double dose of Pattinson:
I say no to Kristen Stewart, but yes to RP in SGs and a suit.
So what now? Am I too old to be obsessed with young celebrities? It seems like the answer is probably yes. But a girl can always hope. Like what if I actually ever got to pick who I wanted to be stranded on a desert island with? Or if I actually got to go, "OK? Really? Three people living or dead. For dinner?" Or if I just found a lamp and I rubbed and a genie came out and said one wish and I said, "I wish that Robert Pattinson was my boyfriend and that we would be in love forever." But it would really work and I wouldn't have to wish for 1,000 more wishes because the genie wouldn't trick me and give me Barbie parts or something. Or make Robert Pattinson's face get burned by acid. But I guess if we were in love forever, I'd still have to love his acid face and I could always make him a mask that looked like his old, perfect, pre-acid face. I'd figure it out.