April 24th, 2009 By Aileen McGrath | The Morning After | Posted In: Aileen

Little People, Big Moron


Midgets are adorable. I can’t help it. So imagine my surprise when I went to Lexington last night with You, You’re Awesome for a show at Al’s Bar (Owl’s Bar to Kay Bay Bay) and there were not one, but TWO midgets there! Little people? Whatever you’re supposed to call ‘em, I like ‘em! I like ‘em a lot!

Cookie was an adorable little African American midge in a doo rag and I was immediately endeared. My first real encounter with her was in the bathroom. She went running past me at top short person speed to get to the stall proclaiming: “This one’s an emergency!”

Perhaps her bladder is adorably miniature as well?

There are tons o’ schweeeeeeeet shows going down this weekend! Every new beginning of spring I proclaim, “This is the year I’m going to die!”

Warm weather brings with it a level o’ drinking and debauchery that I’m always amazed to survive. Plus, your favorite bands are playing EVERYWHERE.

TONIGHT! Critical Mass Masquerade and after soiree at Grammer’s. Starts on Fountain Square at 5:30 p.m., and 6 p.m. = RIDE! Mona Medusa, Caterpillar Tracks, The Prohibitionists and The Host are at Northside Tavern. Peter Bjorn and John at the Southgate House with Chairlift! Also, ‘tis the self-proclaimed “Magnificent Return” o’ Toy Band in the SGH lounge w/Love in October and The Seedy Seeds.

I’m dizzy! Mostly due to inordinate amounts o’ whiskey and tequila combined last night. I couldn’t pull myself out o’ a certain cloudesque bed until 2 p.m. today. It still beckons me back.

Cookie later walked up to me outside and asked me to take a picture of her with her brother. She also posed for a pic with me and my friends a few minutes later. CUTEST. THING. EVER! I like teensy-weensy, adorable, Lilliputian things, cock being the exception.

Ever since I was a wee midget myself, growing up in bumfuck Kentucky, I’ve always wished there was a way you could inject puppies and kittens with something harmless, but that would keep ‘em little forever. Things in miniature are adorable. I typically want to eat them too! When I see cute, little things I want to snatch ‘em up and put ‘em in my mouth! My bestest friend and wifey, Daniele Pfarr, and I joke about how we wanna eat the heads off o’ babies all the time.

We are not weird. C’mon, everyone has those urges, right?!

I refrained from eating Cookie last night. ‘Tis just a fantasy, I’m not really cannibalistic in nature, nor do I eat the neighbors pets or offspring. I think about it though, in a cute way. No real chewing or dismemberment plans.

No chopping things up in small pieces and burying ‘em in black plastic garbage bags in the woods.

I DO NOT drive a dark van with tinted windows and drive around offering little kids candy either, SICKOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT! The French Kicks with Enlou and You, You’re Awesome at Mad Hatter. Fizzgig has their final show at Southgate House! (Yes, Garry Zink, I did put the final Fizzgig show in my “pubes blog” this week!) Ha! The Comet hosts The Lions Rampant with Creepin’ Charley and the Boneyard Orchestra.

Dancewise: Friday = CAC. Contemporary Friday’s: SPIN presents ‘The Price is Light’ with DJ’s Northside Nick and Chris Collins. Stars n’ Bars with Seb B. at C&D. Saturday, Pretty in PRIS at Molly Malone’s in Covington and Gerald Shell DJ’s C&D.

By the end o’ the night I picked Cookie up! I’d been wanting to all night, but didn’t know if it was uncouth to just run over and pick up a little person. I asked her first! I pick up regular, skinny rock dudes all the time; I don’t see why this is so different. She was a lot heavier than I expected. Dense. ADORABLE!

The Tillers are at Northside Tavern on Sunday night to wind down your weekend.

No midgets, pets or babies were harmed in the making o’ this blog. I SWEAR!

04.25.2009 at 06:12 Reply
Okay, I'm done. I kept hoping, but I guess there really is no one at CityBeat who can write humor.


04.25.2009 at 07:53 Reply
Yeah, this is just bad. The writing is elementary at best, the subject matter is stupid, albeit a tad offensive, and the author is rather vacuous. It's really shocking that City Beat is not able to find someone who has the capabilities to write on a college level, let alone who's humor has progressed past fart jokes and making fun of midgets. FAIL


04.25.2009 at 07:57 Reply
This is just bad. Not only is the subject matter stupid, albeit offensive, the author comes off as a vacuous adolescent. It's rather shocking that City Beat can't find a person to write about current events on a college level, let alone someone whose humor has passed the poop, butts, wieners and "midgets" phase.


04.25.2009 at 09:10 Reply
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? A: Dr. Dre! If you don't find poop jokes (or even fake-out poop jokes, like the one above), you are either lying and pretentious or EXTREMELY boring. Go directly to I'm-Fifty-Five-Years-Old-Thirty-Years-Too-Early. Do not pass GO. And you sure as hell don't get $200 for thinking poop, butts, vaginas, wieners, unruly pubic hair, and midgets aren't funny.


04.25.2009 at 11:58 Reply
I read this blog twice, and nowhere did I find any fart jokes or anything that made fun of midgets. Some people may be offended by the fact that Aileen refers to Cookie and her friend as "miniature", but in my opinion waxing poetic about their adorable size is a hell of a lot better than calling them creepy or scary. She not only embraces what makes them different, she celebrates it. And for that I think she should be applauded, not criticized.