What should I be doing instead of this?
April 23rd, 2009 By Charlie Gibson | The Morning After | Posted In: Charlie's Corner

Tex the Vortex

Attn: The Vortex Kings Island
6300 Kings Island Drive
P.O. Box 901
Kings Island, OH

Dear Vortex,

I really want you to know that you have my support. I know things are getting tough now a days with the new additions to the park. Two fancy ass rollercoasters have been intruding on your fame and stealing your thrill warriors. What does the Cedar Fair Entertainment Company think they are doing? The economy is in a recession/depression, how can they afford to bring in these fancy pants, animal-themed rollercoasters? Were they designed by a twelve-year-old on rollercoaster tycoon? Were they built by out-of-work Americans competing for minimum wage, while the Mexicans resort to killing people and decorating the bodies. These rollercoasters cannot compete with you, good ol' "Tex".

When you were born in 1987, you were a record breaking “Mega Looper” with a total of six inversions, waiting to blow our minds and steal our glasses. Twenty eight lucky riders were separated into your three carts and pulled up 148 feet and then dropped 130 feet at an angle of 48 degrees, reaching a speed of 55 miles per hour- a feat only Sammy Hagar can hang with. Coming into the last loop we always make sure to smile cause our precious faces, or a middle finger, will get it’s picture taken. Now our fun-filled face is frozen in time for the low price of $20. Thanks, Vortex!

Don’t worry about the loopy loop that was introduced last that goes by the name Firehawk (btw that was also the name of my 5th grade soccer team). Vortex you were designed so much better. It’s like the rollercoaster designers of the Firehawk decided it would be fun to put the riders into a recliner position and then drag them up a hill as the sun beats them in the face. Then after they get to the top, flip them around and fling them on their stomachs like Superman on kryptonite. Being a human, and not a sandbag, it actually hurts sometimes to be flipped upside down for two seconds. So why did they think it would be a good idea to have all our weight on our shoulders for the whole ride? After getting off the ride my shoulders hurt like Fabio's face.

As you may know, Vortex, this year KI released the oh-so-anticipated, but also disappointing due to the lack of loops, Diamondback, which cost $22 million dollars, nbd. Located in the lake across from the LaRosa’s that sells $30 pizzas, this Diamondback is hungry for our lives, according to my girlfriend. Her friend that works at KI had a dream that people would die on it. If we have learned anything from Final Destination 3, we all know that if you don’t die from the bite of the Diamondback, you will certainly get it from the Criag's List Killer that is coming to pick up your old desk.

So don’t worry Vortex, this summer we are going to play it safe, and stick with the New Wave hit, you, The Vortex! Your lines will probably be shorter but your quality is classic. I will ride you in every seat from front to back giving you nothing but smiles as my body descends on the final loop.


Charles Gibson

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