April 10th, 2009 By Aileen McGrath | The Morning After | Posted In: Aileen

Rock Face = Sex Face


So…I’ve had a long standing theory for many years now that rock face = sex face. ‘Tis 89.7361 percent accurate by my scientific findings. OK, maybe not uber scientific, but I find it to be highly unerring all the same. So do most o’ my girlfriends, upon having the fact pointed out to ‘em.

CincyPunk Fest VIII takes over Southgate House tonight and tomorrow night!  Whilst not all punk anymore, it still boasts like a bazillion (40) fab bands. Awesomeness starts raining down at 8 p.m. I’m especially looking forward to checking out The Guitars’ (made up of former members o’ Death in Graceland and Crybaby) first public gig and some of the now obsolete band reunions like Saturday Supercade, Spodie and Pincushion. This year the proceeds benefit the Animal Adoption Foundation, a non-profit, no kill shelter in Harrison.

I’m FIRED UP!  You should be too!

I’ve probably slept with more than my fair share o’ musicians in my tenure on this bulbous planet. Call me a little whorelette if you will, but it was all for science. I SWEAR!  Double blind ‘n’ shit. I’m like the Jonas Salk o’ Rock ‘n’ Roll, replete with inherent altruistic tendencies.


Mom, STOP reading now!

I can’t help it if I trip and fall on musician cock sometimes. God, if you blindly throw a rock anywhere in this city, you can hit a local musician in the balls. At least I’m picky! I don’t fuck BAD musicians; I have my standards! Nary a fingerbanging incident either.

Northside Tavern hosts a Rock-n-Roll Fashion show Saturday night from 7-10 p.m. followed by  Fists of Love and The Pack A.D. Tonight the Fairmount Girls and Kry Kids play there. Bunk Spot has Boo and Boo Too, Shin Tower Music, Pete Fosco and Wyatt Niehaus & Chris Adams on Saturday night.  If you haven’t checked this place out yet, it’s  a pretty sweet venue and you get to catch some really good creative shit that you might not otherwise hear in the regular bar scene.

You can probably score some good crack in the immediate vicinity too.  Always a plus!

Dancewise, Pris Dance Party is going down at the C&D tonight and Yeah! at the same location tomorrow.

All izah sayin’ is …that when you are watching a band play and you see a musician totally rocking out, chances are that’s a pretty good representation of what they are going to look like huffin’-and-a-puffin’ above you on the horizontal later. It’s important to pay close attention to these things. There’s some mondo scary rock face going on out there! You don’t want to end up unnecessarily traumatized in bed, when you could have had a sneak preview o’ that gaping mouth, right-eyeball-bulging-out o’ his head action before you were splayed out underneath Sloth.  

If he cries after playing his set, ‘tis prolly a bad sign too!

Skip the up-close horror/porn cinematics and just buy yourself a Baby Ruth. That’s prolly more likely to facilitate an orgasm anyway.

Addendum:  I’m not sure if this hypothesis applies to woman musicians as well, since my testing didn’t specifically cover that area, but I would predict a similar result. Then again, we don’t look as much like maniacal, bestial-faced weirdos duing sex anywho. But, who knows? ‘Tis all supposition on my part. I’m open to feedback from the female labia lickers and the testicular set.

04.10.2009 at 06:30 Reply
As someone who views herself as a similar version of Aileen McGrath, just a smidge younger, I feel I have some valuable input. First of all, I shared this theory looooong before you and I ever compared notes, miss lady. Secondly, there are other parts to the theory: Musicians may have different rock faces for different instruments. As someone who once dated a guitarist, I noticed that this theory did not apply to said musician (who is playing in TWO bands at CincyPunk). Thoroughly confused, I shrugged it off as a mere fluke and carried on. Then, years after the breakup, I saw his new band play in which he was the drummer. (I know, so hard to guess who. Hi there!) MYSTERY SOLVED. ROCK/SEX FACE CAN BE INSTRUMENT SPECIFIC! I think a more involved research study needs to be done. I'd like to volunteer my services. (Just not in Cincinnati. That well's been dried up for years.) Thirdly, it depends on if he's really having fun. During the rock AND the sex. Careful of this ladies. If the rock face is way more orgasm-esque than the supposed grand finale, you might want to keep doing those kegels while you're sitting in rush hour traffic.


04.11.2009 at 03:42
Gross all over.


04.10.2009 at 10:47 Reply
As a male, prone to funny faces and all, I've always thought band dudes with the sex face were, at first irritating, and second trying to give the female members of the audience a poorly-thought-out idea of, uh, a sex face. Upon further, wiser, and mainly older-dude thought... it kinda looks like a dude masturbating too hard.


04.11.2009 at 02:33 Reply
My favorite link was Jonas Salk, 'cause he cured polio. Sabin was just a poseur.


04.11.2009 at 05:43 Reply
... I always cry after playing my set. no wonder i'm lonely.