WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING INSTEAD OF THIS?
 
March 17th, 2009 By Isaac Thorn | Sports | Posted In: baseball

Contemplating Fantasy Baseball

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Fantasy sports bring out the worst in me, and that's why it is with great excitement that I tell the two losers who regularly read my illustrious column that my fantasy sports franchise, Hoagy Time Ltd., will be throwing it's hat in the ring and entering the rarified air of fantasy baseball this year.

While tonight's live draft figures to be fun, it is also worth noting that I usually don't draft well, or do well, in such endeavors. I'm the one who saw Corey Patterson hit four home runs in April last year and picked him up. I'm the one who gets mad at players and cuts them.

Another interesting aspect of this baseball league is that both of my brothers will be in it, as well as my sister in law. I am not going to lose to either one of those hornblowers, let alone some god damned female.

That's why I plan to get my dirty, soft hands on Hanley Ramirez, Jose Reyes and Albert Pujols. My younger brother is a senior at Bowdoin, a real fucking intellectual. My older brother is going to be the next Indiana Jones or go blind looking at pottery fragments in the desert someday.

Thing is, I think they both think they's smarter than me because I currently explain Phillip Morris price increases to Covingtonians in WEBN fireworks T-Shirts for a living. Thing is, I'm settin' to prove 'em wrong real good.

They don't know what I do. I knows my baseball. I have no idea who I will draft, although I suspect taking Geovany Soto might be a good idea ... and taking Pudge Rodriguez an even better one.

Who is a good pitcher? Cole Hamels is sensitive. Maybe I take Manny Ramirez, but there'll probably be a bunch of distractions on my fantasy team if I do. Joey Votto, Brandon Phillips and Jay Bruce sound good ... and so does Ryan Braun. Chris Dickerson might be frickin sweet.

I don't really know how to balance my team. I know that I get three outfielders, one of each fielding position, five starters, one utility man and two relievers. I'm sure my dork brothers are making permutations for all this as I sit here blogging for free and finishing my first Stella Artois of the day.

I don't want to start off the season real bad. That's why taking guys who may be a bit tired from participating in the WBC is kind of dicey. I don't think I can draft any Phillies. Probably not any Braves either, although Jair Jurgens might be a decent 4 or 5 starter.

Could Ramon Hernandez help? I'm up in the air on nearly everything, including taking A-Rod in a later round. I'm excited. I'm thinking I can win.

I've got to rank some players and get after the rest of that fridge full of beer. Toodles.


 
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