What should I be doing instead of this?
March 2nd, 2009 By Charlie Gibson | The Morning After | Posted In: Charlie's Corner

The Poor Man’s Guide to Partying Hard


Since the job market is still decreasing like my chances of getting paid to write this blog and my funds are depleting faster than anticipated, I am forced to find a way to party without paying.

The average cost of a night of drinking usually runs anywhere from $10-$50, unless you are an alcoholic or a walrus. I could go to Kroger and get a 12-pack of PBR for around $5 and get loaded while I sit at home by myself, but I, like many other people, like to socialize. Networking is key to establishing friendships and perhaps evening finding work. It is almost a requirement for me to go out and talk with people over drinks in my time of need. It’s basically like looking for a job and a couple of drinks down the hatch will only increase my confidence. I’ll speak of my skills, work experience and finally top it all off by my ability to speak Spanish while intoxicated.

No matter how poor I am, I still need to go out and be among the normies to throw down some knowledge and beers. With that being said, I have put together some ideas in order to get cheap/free drinks while you are out on the town. The first lesson is to get a bag. Messenger bags are really hip nowadays, and everyone will think you rode your bike to the bar- extra hip points. Along with the never-out-of-style purse, these two holding devices will be like little waiters stuck to your back. Know ahead of time what kind of beer the bar serves; don’t want to show up drinking a Wiedemann when they only serve Schlitz. Also, beware of cans; due to the trashiness of the can they are sometimes not a popular bar item.

The next lesson has to do with the drink that makes ya think, “I want to be wasted as fast as I can to forget that I have four kids and I’m only 23.” When dealing with liquor, a flask is always an important friend to have with you. They are made for the road and are usually engraved with encouraging drinking slogans. The flask is great for shooting or can also be used for mixing with a non-alcoholic drink from the bar.

Next, house parties! First things first, there is nothing better than a house party, especially if it’s not at your house. House parties are usually a good place to rustle up some free alcohol. Perhaps there are kegs complete with red cups and a college dudes that pump them for you. Always check the refrigerator cause it might be filled with 40s like in that Dr. Dre video. If it’s a themed party and you see some fruit floating in a tub full of red liquid, it’s probably the greatest drink ever: pirate punch. But don’t be discouraged if you have a horrible host and there is nothing to drink, more than likely you can find some dudes to bum some beers off of. If worse comes to worse, drink the mouthwash in the bathroom.

Lastly, look for events going on around town. Classy places like art shows or restaurant openings will usually have free wine or dark, hoppy graduate student beers. Free booze and a sense of self-importance is always a good combination in a downtown environment. It might even get you a job when you talk all fancy about paintings that don’t make sense.

I hope you enjoyed some lessons I’ve learned over the years. When times are tough we have to get imaginative. Perhaps tell people it’s your birthday at bars, especially at douche bars. They will probably buy you free drinks if you’re hot and have big Bazooka Joes. Just remember, always be cautious, always be sneaky and don't get busted.

comments powered by Disqus