November 7th, 2012 By Danny Cross | News | Posted In: Media, Republicans, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Poverty

Dear Lebanon Tea Party: We Are Sorry

We didn’t mean to help re-elect a socialist


During the past year CityBeat has spent a lot of energy reporting on countless Republican screw-ups, from typical shortsighted policies to legislation that is straight-up offensive to women, minorities, gay people and the poor and working class. But we didn’t realize that by pointing out how offensive and irrelevant the country’s GOP leaders were acting, that we were inadvertently killing America.

That's why we would like to formally apologize to the Lebanon tea party in Warren County. The email you sent to The Enquirer today hit us pretty hard — the fact that you’re literally wearing black and mourning America because “socialists, welfare and unions took over this country” is super sad. In our haste to ask questions of elected leaders, fact check their statements and put their beliefs and policies into perspective over the past few months, we forgot how badly people in Warren County wish America could be like the 1950s again, when women knew their place and black people had to operate the elevators and never say anything whites didn’t want to hear. Mad Men is a great show. 

We didn’t mean to be tricked by President Obama’s stimulus bill — we (stupidly) believed the economists who said it staved off a depression caused by under-regulation of the housing and financial industries (we tried to believe Mitt Romney’s concept of further reducing regulations so the job-creators can stimulate the economy in the private sector thus giving our wealth back to us, but it was maybe too complicated for us to understand?). 

Some people we know kept their jobs when the president didn’t allow the American car companies to go broke even though they’re the ones that decided to max out profits on SUVs with truck beds on the back.

Other people we know spent time last year without health care, and this country’s health care costs are somewhere around twice as much as any other country’s so we were like, “Yea, reforming that system sounds about right.” But we admit that we don’t know what it’s going to be like for the 15 percent of this country living in poverty to all of the sudden have access to preventative care. Someone in Cincinnati died of a tooth problem last year, and we don’t even know if that’s covered. 

We realize that it wasn’t Mitt Romney who used the term “legitimate rape,” but it made us want to throw up, which slowed down productivity that might have allowed us to figure out that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was the only thing keeping our country’s military from turning Afghanistan into a European-style gay disco. 

We thought it was kind of gross when the president killed Osama bin Laden, but everyone was really happy about it so we focused our attention on the results of the president’s home buying and refinancing programs that helped stimulate the economy and saved people’s houses, even though we’re all a bunch of renters who don’t even know how to use a level. 

So we’re clearly at fault for your expectation of the downfall of this country, and we realize that you’re upset and probably right about America becoming a socialist nation within months. We messed up bad this time, but we want you to know that we’re not blind to it — your press release has put our actions into a perspective that we wish we had yesterday or, even better, several years ago before we learned how to do our jobs the right way. 

At least you have the local daily newspaper to publish your emotional reactions to historical election results and to continue endorsing GOP candidates no matter how ill qualified and misguided they are. Please don’t mourn long — there’s still hope for the type of social regression you’re looking for, especially in Warren County. 

11.07.2012 at 02:52 Reply

A few months ago, when I went to the grocery store, they were having this amazing sale on tinfoil, so I bought four rolls. I don't know why; I don't even use tinfoil all that much. Anyway, I have three whole rolls that I've never even opened, and as a way of making my sincere endorsement of this apology more tangible, I would like to offer to donate them to the nearest Tea Party office so they can make hats.


11.07.2012 at 02:58 Reply

Best. Editorial. Ever.


11.07.2012 at 09:10 Reply

Seriously? Lebanon the seat of Warren County?

If you only knew what goes on with these"good ol'boys"Republicans there.

Let's see where shall I start? Maybe with those that are  fraudently drawing disability ? Yep Republicans they are.

Oh I could go on about their illegal activities but let's just say I'm saving it for a special day.

I'll tell you one thing though... most ,not all, but most of the Republicans (wink ,wink)I've met in Warren County are nothing but a bunch of lying, thieving,bigoted  hypocrites . And I was raised a Republican(not in Warren County ,OH ).








11.08.2012 at 03:33 Reply

That was AWESOME!! Kudos!


11.13.2012 at 11:02

You are right, here in warren county lebanon is the county seat..all the elected people here do is raise taxes so they all can retire with diginity. When do we tax payers get to do the same? Our schools rob us blind, see for for yourself, lebanonschoolfacts.com  if you oppose a levy you are called a KKK member. taxes we all need to stop paying them