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January 8th, 2009 By Charlie Gibson | The Morning After | Posted In: Charlie's Corner

Good Old Grapes

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Let me just give you a run down on why grapes are so awesome. Grapes are by far one of the most versatile and delicious fruits on this wonderful planet we call Earth. Grapes are used in jam, juice, jelly, vinegar, wine and oils, which are the bases for many tantalizing treats we consume on a regular basis.

Grapes contain polyphenol, which may reduce the risk of cancer and heart disease. Suck on that apple! Hey apple, why not let some more worms borrow inside your goods and crawl all around, slut. Now we know why you are the forbidden fruit.

Grapes come in a variety of beautiful colors from pink to black, which help give each color grape a distinct taste. When was the last time you saw a color-changing banana enhancing anything other than the stench of my garbage can. Hey bananas, changing from yellow to brown is the equivalent of me sitting in my bed all month long and turning pale. What do grapes do when they sit out in the sun all day? They turn into an awesome, good snack called raisins. If they are cool enough during the "tanning" process they will get some hip sunglasses and move to California to become musicians. Bananas are just used as props for jokes. Way to be a tool for the man, bananas.

Grapes are so boss that they are endorsed by the Food Network's own Alton Brown. This guy is a food wizard and comic genius. He talks non-stop about the wonderfulness of grape juice. And grapes not only get the Alton Brown seal of approval, but do you know who else endorses grapes? Kids. They love the purple color of Welch's grape juice. Can you deny a child his love for grape juice? What are you going to have him drink, orange juice? Orange juice is the product of lazy, old Florida. Florida is all about trying to distort your memory about the past election confusion they had by offering you free orange juice at the welcome center on I-75. Not going to work Florida. Have fun running over manatees while driving your boat all hopped up on screwdrivers.

Grapes are the bee's knees and the truth is right in front of you. So substitute that beer for wine, and be sophisticated for once in your life, Westside. Drink the "purple stuff" in your fridge cause Sunny D is DDDisgusting! Instead of listening to CRApples in Stereo put on some Purple Rain (that's about grape juice, right?). What other fruit's album had gone Platinum three times (California Raisins "Meet The Raisins" 1988)? Even in clothing we see the dominance of grapes. Why do you think two out of the four Fruit of the Loom characters are grapes? Why not be a goddess and eat some grapes naked. So when you're drinking grape juice you can think about all the healthy goodness you are putting into your body. But the next time you're drinking Orange Juice try not to think about murder and white Broncos.


 
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