Finally, the fucking happy-time holidays are over. No more seeing weirdos from high school, staying out past my bedtime and drinking 3,000 calories' worth of booze every night. Srsly, I can get back to my boring, old man lifestyle of sleeping in and eating early dinners at Bob Evan's.
All of this running around really did a number on my ME time. My family was so obsessed with eating out and spending time with me that I could barely watch any Queer As Folk. Traveling cross-town to meet up with ex-cincyites from Brooklyn (OMG!) and other fancy places really put a damper on my 12 hours of sleep a night. The holidays are definitely filled with love and excitement, but do they really have to drag on for so long? It seems as though from Thanksgiving til New Year’s my whole schedule explodes into shrapnel consisting of spending time with loved ones and reminiscing with old buddies about how we used to smash bottles on our heads. I can only take so much of it before I lose my mind.
Then everyone wants to be a saint and give gifts to make themselves feel all special inside. I’ll show up to the White Elephant exchange game with a hand full of high fives and all of a sudden that isn't good enough for your holiday bash. Shouldn't my presence be better than presents? I could gift wrap myself if you'd like. I'm sure I'm more of a burden to have at the party than a pleasure. I'll drink all your mixed drinks and probably manhandle and break your new iPhone you got from Saint Nick Lachey. It's the holidays though, so you’ll have to be nice and understanding when I want to download $5.99 apps one after another til it explodes.
After the gift giving part of the holidays it is time for the biggest let down night of the year, New Year’s Eve. Everyone decides that they are going to throw the best party ever, but that doesn't happen, does it?! About 1,000 parties are being thrown that evening in your local area, give or take. Hopefully you only got invited to about five of these NYE P.A.R.Teez. People try to spice up their parties with free booze, strippers, naked mud wrestling, DJ Jamz or Karaoke. It doesn't matter what the party throwers do since there are so many other parties and the crowd will be so sparse everyone will just end up with a frowny face. There will be 3/4 of a keg chilling for the next week. Strippers will only have one breast out because there was no one there to pay the extra dollar to get the other one dumped. The wrestler will be wading in the mud completely clean with the look a bride who was left at the alter. DJ Jamz will spin to himself and the KJ will be singing "Laid" by James while controlling the smoke machine to puff up on cue to hide the empty room.
So when you look back at the holidays try not to worry about all the weight you have gained from eating and drinking yourself into comfort during those awkward "so what have you been up to" conversations. Try not to care so much that you won't be invited back next year to your friend’s ugly sweater party. And I hope you weren't surprised when you walked into the NYE party and had to kiss yourself at midnight.