Fantasy football can make you feel like George W. Bush did when that guy threw shoes at his face. I think the only way to deal with not winning any money again this year is to blame the players on my team, the firearms they misused and my own draft day shortcomings.
Fantasy football is great. As long as you haven't been eliminated from contention, that is. Once that happens, a short list of who's to blame gets drawn up real quick-like.
I finished fourth in the second annual Cincinnati Loser League this year, which I suppose is an improvement of sorts ... except that I still didn't win any money and I think one of my underperforming players shot himself in the leg to avoid playing for my team.
I read once that at Angola (Louisiana's State Penitentiary) dozens of inmates once maimed themselves to avoid working on the chain gang — slit their ankles so they wouldn’t have to melt in the sun all day. I wonder if that’s how players on my team felt about suiting up for me ... if they resented my firm style of leadership, and I wonder what could’ve been done better. Since my team isn’t going to win me one red penny, or even a food stamp, let us condemn those who I feel are responsible and be done with it.
I’d have to start with Plaxico Burress (pictured). He put up a few decent games early in the season, then lazed through the middle stretch complaining about a hamstring. Eventually outwitted by the safety mechanism of the firearm he was carrying, his suspension created a void where once there was strength.
Ted Ginn, Jr.: Never again will I make the mistake of putting some lousy, two-bit Buckeye on my team again. You were picked up off the waiver wire, and I didn’t ask for much ... but the .3 points you offered me in my fatal playoff game were much appreciated.
Ryan Grant. I knew I should’ve stuck to my policy of not drafting or playing Packers (stemming from a longstanding grievance against then-Packer WR Javon Walker and his bum knee which doomed an earlier campaign), but I didn’t. Why? Perhaps I like failure.
I’d also like to thank you for having such a disappointing season that you reminded me of the year where I nicknamed Fred Taylor “Fuck Me Freddy” because he was terrible and hurt that year and I won about four games.
Lastly, I’d like to give big ups to Tony Scheffler, for not doing shit the entire year. I wasn’t expecting to get great numbers out of you, but the being listed as active then NOT CATCHING A FUCKING PASS thing was lame. If you wanted to ride the stationary bike so bad you should’ve let Mike Shanahan know earlier, that way he could’ve given me time to rectify said situation. I did not see the play, but the fact that you rushed once for -1 yards yesterday raises suspicion of a mutiny ... and this I will not stand for.
Take note, NFL players. When it comes to GM Isaac Thorn’s Shit List, it takes just a second to get on it and a lifetime to get off of.
Bless this day, the Lord has made.