November 20th, 2008 By Charlie Gibson | The Morning After | Posted In: Life


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A new mediocre everything store! White people rejoice! Kenwood has FINALLY opened up the fancy new Kroger Fresh Fare. It's like regular Kroger but with more "market" and "organic" produce that is more expensive and appeals to the high-class folks that still have their jobs.

When I got out of my car it was like I was thrown all the way across the continental United States and landed in Seattle's Pike Place. There were just as many white people and a lot more tiny shopping carts. The old whiteys that are on vacation are usually in a better mood than the Kenwoodians who are mad at the cold weather and the defeat of McCain. My girlfriend was shoved out of the way so that Gramps could get to the free organic smoothie samples that Gladys was slanging. Have no fear though; the old white people will roll out once 4:30 p.m. comes around.

One of my favorite new fancy things at the Fresh Fare was the cafeteria-style food line! No more cooking Mac and Cheese for you Mom! With the "gourmet," pre-made meals you will go home, dish out the goods on the plate before the rest of the family gets home and pretend to be the all around parent of the year! Make sure you hide those dinner containers though.

Some of the new food selections you can look forward to come from the new Burrito Cafe, which "is better than Chipotle," says the screaming the manager who works for Kroger. I suspect she was biased! There's also the Fresh Sandwich station complete with Sandwich Sculptures, which are much better than a starving sandwich artist. Finally the cafeteria line comes to an end with the All American Café, which includes chicken, beef, mashed potatoes and a greasy mess that I didn't really recognize.

At the other end of the cafeteria line is a snazzy sushi bar for an oriental experience that is out of this county — complete with six authentic Japanese men ready to slice and dice up some octopus or eel in front of your raw eyeballs. I swear they were speaking Japanese when they were talking on their iPhones. I didn't get to taste much while I was there because all the free samples were being horded by the fat people. I will have to ask Maija for a gift card to Kroger so I can sample everything and get back to you on all the good eats.

To all those "regular" Kroger diehard fans, they still have the same old products that you love so much like the fan favorite Kroger brand baked beans, overpriced produce probably shipped in from Mexico, Racist Kroger Value Brand Almibar de Pancake and charcoal. With this fresh fad that is going on around the world, what will happen to the "regular" Kroger? More importantly what will happen to Ghetto Kroger in Corryville? I love waiting 45 minutes at midnight to buy a party pizza because only one person is working. Who would have thought college students and homeless dudes stay up past midnight? So we welcome you Kroger Fresh Fare! Welcome to the Cincinnati area!

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