What should I be doing instead of this?
May 20th, 2011 By Danny Cross | The Morning After | Posted In: Rapture

What if the Rapture Actually Happens?


Most people have probably already heard about the widespread belief that the Rapture will occur sometime tomorrow. It's been reported here, here and by this guy, who says what will happen is God opening up all the graves on Earth and everything in those graves coming up out of the ground, their bodies transforming into spirits and going up to heaven, followed by any believers.

It might sound like a pretty wild scene to most of us but, if you really think about it, this is probably not the time to be wrong about a worldwide concern for civilization. This is not like Y2K, where our greatest fear was a bunch of computers messing up and people losing their ATM codes or having to re-register for the cable company's online billing system. The Rapture is such a big deal that people who believe it's going to happen aren't even stocking up on bottled water like they did in 2000 because if it actually happens THE WORLD WILL FREAKING END. 

In fact, the true believers are spending every last bit of their savings before Saturday, leaving themselves absolutely nothing to fall back on if the Rapture doesn't occur because … fuck it right? Why leave half your net worth inside a bank that's just going to get burned up during Hell on Earth? These are obviously not stupid people — they're logical, analytic and dedicated to getting the most out of life, even if there's only one day left.

I'm feeling somewhat uncomfortable about the length some people have gone in response to the rumor of the End Days being upon us. It was just last night that I found myself casually scrolling through Facebook, enjoying the witty banter among friends and the website's free advice on who else I should be friends with (What's up Ollie Kroner? Glad we were able to be Internet friends for two days before the world ended), when I started to come across references to the Rapture that can only be described as “snarky.” I felt troubled.

In response to hundreds of thousands of people's sincere belief that the Rapture will occur on May 21, 2011, there exists a Facebook event scheduled for noon on Saturday called, “Post rapture looting.” There are currently 494,144 planning to attend, including this guy:


Then again, it's one thing for Kevin Osborne to join such a group (he didn't want anyone to celebrate Osama bin Laden getting shot in the eye so whatever), but then today I get to work, punch the clock, sign into Facebook and soon come across this:


A CityBeat intern advising people to spend the entire day mocking the potential Rapture. And it gets worse — a couple hours later I was still on Facebook and saw this:


She's been making fun of the Rapture for like two straight days! And it gets worse. There's another person, who, admittedly, could be respectfully preparing for the Rapture by tagging a photo of herself eating a hot dog on Earth for the final time as “Rapture weiner.” But if you ask me it's getting a little close to May 21 to be straddling such a fine line, last hot dog ever or not.


And then there's this guy, whose idea to dress up like Jesus and walk around judging people on Saturday is probably not going to go real well if it coincides with the actual Apocalypse. Just sayin'.


The bottom line is that the Apocalypse is going to occur someday, or else a lot of people have been wrong about a lot of stuff for a real long time. And even the biggest skeptic has to admit that there are signs of this Apocalypse's legitimacy all around us.

Consider that the Centers for Disease Control website recently posted instructions on how to survive a Zombie Apocalypse, and people found the information so useful that the increased web traffic eventually shut the whole CDC site down.

A group of atheists has respectfully reached out to the believers, offering a pet-caring service called Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA, which for a fee will assure that an individual who has blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation, will care for any pets left behind by believers. UPDATE: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets' email volume has apparently been maxed out and it will be unable during the next 24 to 48 hours to respond to any emails that don't include a contract and PayPal information.

But for everyone taking this epic situation seriously there are people like New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who yesterday offered to suspend alternate side parking in the city if the world ends. Real funny. Have fun ticketing a car that's on fire, asshole.

There are also these Minnesota Twins baseball fans, who think their hometown baseball team sucks so bad that its single-game win over the Oakland Athletics last night is a sign of the End Days. Good one, guys. You're not going to be laughing when your taxpayer-funded stadium is on fire for the next year or so.

All I'm saying is that if the Rapture actually happens it will suck because it sounds really scary.

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