This is not what you wanted to read. Normally, you wouldn’t. Most would rally, sweep this under the rug. All the same, for whatever reason, tonight it’s the cutting-room floor, the tail end of a month that demanded that you write three stories, collate a manuscript, apply to a festival, ready for a performance and now this, the dregs of a conversation.  

If you were to ask me when I was 16 years old if I would never again want an automobile, I would have told you that you were crazy. Every teenage boy wants his own set of wheels. I was no exception. My first automobile was a 1959 Chevy Biscayne. It’s a bit faded now, but that’s me in the photo with my car.  

Steve Chabot banned cameras from a town hall meeting in Green Township for “security purposes.” Chabot then advised residents to fight a new plan to add public housing units to the neighborhood, though his speech was reportedly cut short when he saw a guy playing “Angry Birds” on a cell phone and thought he was recording a video and laughing.  

I liked this young woman cutting my hair. Focused at the task at hand, she wasn’t saying a word to me. She kept her eyes squarely on the top of my head and used those scissors like she knew what she was doing. A friend had driven me around Western Hills last week looking for one of those express haircut places on Glenway Avenue.  

We were happy today to have one more reason not to go to Amelia: We prefer to avoid places that don’t have police forces. Village leaders have already asked the county sheriff if he will help out if any teenagers figure out that the high school’s football helmets look like anarchy signs and start freaking out.  

Most people would have bought a new basketball or a box of golf balls, but I opted for an Airsoft gun. Having a $25 gift certificate to Dick’s Sporting Goods did me little good considering I play zero sports. Yet, in hindsight, I probably should have bought a few baseballs. At least they would’ve kept me out of trouble.  

Ohio State University football coach Jim Tressel today resigned amid investigations into rule violations by his players, only to have the school and its fans respond with a heartfelt :’(. Tressel, who is best known for wearing sweater vests, beating Michigan and pretending to be the dad in Family Ties, said his departure is what’s best for the university.  

The guy has been eyeballing me for weeks at the bus stop in the mornings and has been chatting with me. Small talk at first — you know, the weather, why are the buses always late, that type of thing — but lately, the conversation has been more personal, wanting to know what I do for a living and where I live.  

It’s rare that scientists are able to figure out exactly when an invasive species was introduced to an area — there is generally more than one person at a time who thinks it’s funny to see what a weird animal from Australia will do if you let it loose in your own neighborhood (probably get killed by cats, maybe eat a bird). The Enquirer today reported that one such not-so-local species — the European wall lizard — followed a different path to Cincinnati.  

Do you know someone who insists on carrying a concealed weapon in public? Probably the type of person willing to jump to action at the first sign of injustice, using his or her weapon only for good and never accidentally shooting anyone or raging?  

He will never again disarm us with his smile. Never will wrap a burrito or put another pie in the oven. Nor have me smoke pot with a gas mask, then walk me to my apartment because I forgot where I lived. He won’t again dress as a nun on Halloween and be photographed smoking a cigarette and holding a can of MGD with a life-sized cutout of James Dean in the background. Nor will he ever not leave behind a good-looking corpse.  

John Boehner today said the government needs to consider trillions of dollars worth of cuts before he will agree to raise the debt limit but no one could tell if he was serious because he was crying and smiling at the same time.  

Getting ready for work, I thought back to that morning when my son was born over 25 years ago. I started to feel sentimental, something I try hard in my life to avoid. Not on that morning. I looked at photos when he was first born and when he was little. I looked at pictures when he played baseball in grade school and pictures when he first entered high school. My mind was on the past. Where did the time go?  

When I drive through Mount Adams, there’s only one thing that comes to mind. I couldn’t tell you a thing about the bars, restaurants, real estate, shops or where to find parking, but, damn, I know the perch of that parking lot. “Shout it right now. You’re a 10, Hannah Mae McCartney. We’re not leaving until you do. I swear I will get in my car and leave you here if you don’t.” I remember wondering to myself if this scenario could possibly be any more corny.  

It’s typically not a big deal to hop on a city bus in the morning, ask the bus driver if it’s going in the direction you think you left your car the night before and then enjoy the air-conditioned ride back to wherever you got wasted (Metro bus driver: “I ain’t mad at ya.”). Such understanding is apparently not always to be expected by professional drivers in Austin, Tex., one of whom recently determined on his own that two women shouldn’t be escorted in the direction of a Planned Parenthood clinic for fear that they might get abortions.