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Toys R Some of Us

0 Comments · Thursday, April 8, 1999
Hey, moms and dads with young kids at home, take a moment to answer the following: Do you ever think of yourself as a helpless parent? A gutless parent? An acquiescent parent? With your kids, are   

The Right to Not Choose

0 Comments · Thursday, April 1, 1999
I've always been pretty much a black-and-white guy. You either support the death penalty or you don't. You're either a dog person or a cat person. You're either a liberal or a Clinton supporter. Per  

Necessary, My Ass

0 Comments · Thursday, March 25, 1999
-- So, Bob, in for a physical today, hmm? -- Uh huh. But my HMO limits my coverage to conditions that rhyme with "orange," so if you find something, keep it to yourself. -- Understood. OK. Let's s  

Cataloging Consumption

0 Comments · Thursday, March 18, 1999
Just like you, my mailbox doubles as a point-of-sale for merchants and merchandisers, as every day a veritable bale of catalogs, brochures, circulars, come-ons, flyers, coupons, offers and various o  

Green Like Me

0 Comments · Thursday, March 11, 1999
Holy mackerel, it's March already. Time to don the garden gloves, grab a trowel, do a couple lines of crystal meth and bolt out into the yard. Because if you want your flowers, vegetables and other   

I Brake For No One

0 Comments · Thursday, March 4, 1999
I was born to drive. I'm certain of this because my whole life people have told me I look like a bad driver's license photo of somebody else. When I was 2, I knew my hand turn signals; at 3, I coul  

(The Body) Politic

0 Comments · Thursday, February 25, 1999
Campaign headquarters. 11:48 p.m. The second Tuesday of November 2006. "... before I bring out the Governor-elect, I'd like to say a few words to you, his supporters, the people who made this happe  

Write It Loud

0 Comments · Thursday, February 18, 1999
I argued against it at last year's WURST (Writers United to Rapturously Stroke Themselves) meeting. I told them, "Don't. Don't pit Writers History Month against Black History Month this February. Bl  

Aesoptional

0 Comments · Thursday, February 11, 1999
The Mouse and the Elephant One day as Miles Mouse was walking home from his job at the lab, he suffered shortness of breath and severe chest pains. I thought the lab guys were injecting my brain wi  

Hounding the President

0 Comments · Thursday, February 4, 1999
-- Come, Sherman, to the Way Back Machine. -- Where're we going today, Mr. Peabody? -- The year: 1995. The place: A windowless corridor off the Oval Office in the White House. It's there I expect   

Doomsday's Silver Lining

0 Comments · Thursday, January 28, 1999
Hello, friend. If you have come to this space hoping to find glib observations on contemporary life, I fear you shall be disappointed. If you come here in search of the "quipster" who has long and