What should I be doing instead of this?
Home · Articles · Columns · Pseudoquasiesque
Top Articles from Pseudoquasiesque
No articles in this section

Birth of a Notion

0 Comments · Thursday, August 19, 1999
Phase 1 -- Inception: Steal or duplicate an idea for a product. Explain the idea to several close friends who declare it a surefire success but in reality simply don't have the heart to tell you th  

A Brand-New Dénouement

0 Comments · Thursday, August 12, 1999
Epilogue I didn't see Marcus after that summer. Not because I held him responsible for my severed optic nerve, but simply because I had a severed optic nerve, something which kept me from seein  

Money Talks/Talk Money

0 Comments · Thursday, August 5, 1999
It's a new day in America. On street corners, hungry men and women now clutch shards of hand-lettered cardboard reading, "Will evaluate portfolio diversity for food" and "Disabled Vietnam veteran  

You've Got Male

0 Comments · Thursday, July 29, 1999
Ruthless predator. Awkward communicator. Rutting, carnal beast. Sweaty. Slovenly. Slow to comprehend. Sad, isn't it, guys? Those words could just as easily describe a man of 10,000 years ago as the  

Coming Soon (to a Post Office Near You)

0 Comments · Thursday, July 22, 1999
Pity the FBI. The capture of Rafael Resendez-Ramirez, instead of lightening their workload, only increased it. The bureau must now scramble to select and name one lucky criminal to fill the newly c  

Waiting for the Light

0 Comments · Thursday, July 15, 1999
I was having breakfast when the authorities burst into my apartment. "Robert W.," the official in charge said, "you will please to come with us." His manner was so utterly threatening it's possible  

The Fall of Man

0 Comments · Thursday, July 8, 1999
Fall is coming. Soon, I guess. Otherwise the networks wouldn't already be running promos for the upcoming TV season. And early word has it that the networks got it right for the 51st season in a ro  

My Sick Perspective

0 Comments · Thursday, July 1, 1999
Her grin was 100 percent institutional: barely functioning and poorly painted. Her "May I help you" hung in the air, unfinished, waiting to be completed by a phrase like, "... light your hair on fi  

Caught on Paper

0 Comments · Thursday, June 24, 1999
Dear reader,First, I, along with all my fellow writers of print materials, would like to thank you for your continued support. Without your scanning eyes and comprehending brain, we'd be forced to   


0 Comments · Thursday, June 17, 1999
Like Urban Legends, Suburban Legends are the product of a little fact, a collective, unspoken fear and some accumulating flourishes. The difference is, Suburban Legends more often involve a car, a m  

Deeply Shallow Tales

0 Comments · Thursday, June 10, 1999
The Top Dog Every four years, dogs throughout the land hold an election of great importance. It is for the office of Top Dog, leader of the canine population. It was not long before one of these e  

"Ere" Conditioning

0 Comments · Thursday, May 20, 1999
Without a doubt, the most anticipated movie of this or any other summer is Star Wars: Episode 1 The Phantom Menace. Already, the trailer has grossed more than Forrest Gump and Forrest Gump II: I S  

Pooling Our Talents

0 Comments · Thursday, April 29, 1999
Neither Dad nor I was particularly handy, clever or capable. We'd proved that the year we'd resodded the front yard greenside down. So the day he said I should grab the tool box (contents: a ball pe  

Public Figuring

0 Comments · Thursday, April 22, 1999
Use only a No. 2 pencil. Turn in any scratch paper with your finished test. When done, let's meet at the border and find a way out of here. 1. Laura Pulfer writes a column about one of our "neighbo  

The Cowboy Weigh

0 Comments · Thursday, April 15, 1999
His bandana was the color of tangerine-pomegranate sorbet. The trail dust that had settled on the crown of his Stetson made it look as if it'd been dusted with cinnamon. And his fingers carried a li